Why Him? Page #2

Free continental breakfast.

Yes.

Mint on the pillow,

turndown service,

all things available

at the Sheraton.

I mean, is your lover

going to have that?

Your lover? Your lover?

We already all know

that you've seen his penis.

What?

Scott!

What?

Well, this is cute.

Actually, this is the gatehouse.

Gatehouse?

What the heck?

Is that

a facial recognition scanner?

Mmm-hmm.

That's so cool.

The hedge is moving.

Honey, who exactly

are you dating?

Laird started this company

called guerrilla gang.

You play ape assassins, right?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, that was my jam

in the eighth grade.

Great, that's him.

So, he makes video games?

- Apps, dad.

- This is it!

This is his house?

Mmm-hmm.

Are you sure this isn't

an apple store or something?

Oh, my god.

What is up, you gang?

I know!

The Flemings are here.

You have arrived!

Hi, buddy. Hi.

Hello, sweetheart.

Don't touch anything.

How was traffic?

It was okay.

Hi, they're here!

Hello.

Hello to you, Ned Fleming.

Barbara.

Yes.

You are perfect.

Well, thank you.

Oh, my god.

And this must be the main man.

Scotty, huh?

Yup.

All right. Hey.

- Who are you?

- Gustav.

I am Gustav. Yes.

I never know

how to describe you.

Um, well, estate manager

is cool, Stephy, yes.

That works.

I used to run

the four seasons group in Asia

but after some point, you know,

the corporate life becomes

a bit of a snooze-fest.

You know, "Tiffany's this,

Cartier that."

But, you know. Just dot,

dot, dot. Enough already.

You know what I'm

talking about, Ned.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Boring.

Where's laird?

Laird is upstairs.

He is just finishing

a teleconference.

He'll be right out.

Oh, okay.

Why don't we go up then?

Laird, I'm Ned.

No, no, no.

No, this is Randy.

That's not laird.

He's our intern.

Just graduated

Summa cum Laude at MIT.

So Randy, shake a leg.

Get their luggages.

Yes, sir.

The motherfucking Flemings

are in the house!

Yes!

This is f***ing awesome!

Get up here.

I'm so psyched to meet you.

Family, baby.

F*** yeah!

Oh, my god.

Scotty.

Yes, my brotha!

Welcome.

Hey, Barb.

Hi.

Oh.

Welcome.

Hey, Ned. All right.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

So glad you're here.

Yes.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

I f***ing missed you.

Why aren't you wearing a shirt

on your body?

Oh.

Don't worry about that.

I have a little surprise.

Let's stay half an hour and

then we go back to the hotel.

That's a good plan.

Thank you.

Dad, come on.

This place is so sick.

Yeah, it's sick.

25 minutes.

That's it.

Hey! Just leave her alone.

Hey, oh, Ned. Ned.

Ned, would you look at that.

That's your face, sis.

Oh.

Very good likeness.

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

The Stephy tattoo. I got it, like,

a week after we met, right?

One week. You know,

right on my heart.

Great. Okay, do you guys

want to go see the house?

Uh...

We probably should...

We came to stop and say hey.

Yeah. We should go.

Actually, no.

No. Before we go, um...

I have a little surprise

for everybody.

Sh*t.

I'm f***ing nervous.

Do you want to

consult me about it?

You want to talk to me

before you...

You know what? No, I'm just

jumpin' in. All right?

I'm just going to do this.

Laird, it's going to be

f***ing great.

Ta-da!

Oh, my god.

I just got it done this morning

yeah.

I bet it's red, huh?

I need a little feedback.

Is that our Christmas card?

Yes.

Yeah! That's exactly what

I used. How'd you know?

Look, he even got

noodle in there.

Hurt like balls.

Gosh, it says "happy holidays"

and everything.

What?

Get the f*** out of here.

Okay.

It says "happy holidays?"

Barb, f*** you.

God damn.

I gave the guy

the Christmas card.

I didn't know he put

"happy holidays" on there.

Wow.

F***.

Guess it's stuck on there, huh?

Oops.

F***.

Well, you know,

you guys were coming over...

I was so excited, I just had

to do something, you know?

Well, that is something,

all right.

You know what? Sometimes, you

just got to say, "f*** it."

F*** it!

You should...

Laird,

this is a 15-year-old child.

So, we don't really...

Oh, sh*t.

- You don't say f***?

- No, mom, I...

Heck yeah, I cuss.

No, you don't.

You do?

Yeah.

Oh, he cusses.

No, you don't.

Yeah, bro, what's your

favorite cuss word?

Oh, boy.

Don't egg him on like that.

What's your favorite?

- Uh...

- Hmm.

Titties.

Titties? Titties.

Stop it. Stop that.

Titties? Classic.

Okay. We should be going.

Nice one. What else you got?

A**hole.

A**hole.

All right. That's enough.

Okay. Another good body part.

What else?

Dicking. Double dicking.

Double dicking.

Okay.

Wait. Hold on.

Double dicking?

Are you happy?

That's a new one on me, bro.

What the f*** is that?

What the hell is that?

Is that like dick to dick?

Okay! Good night!

We're going to the hotel.

This kid is nasty

and I f***ing like it.

Yeah.

Yes!

All right, let's do the tour.

I'll show you around!

All right?

Just throw your sh*t anywhere.

You little double-dicker,

come on.

Throw your stuff anywhere.

By the way, I'm a huge fan.

I'm part of the online ape army.

Awesome.

You know, this is what I was trying

to tell you guys in the car.

This is okay here?

Do you want to

take your coat off?

Uh, no.

Nope. I'm fine.

Come on, guys.

All right,

so this here's the Kitch.

This is where we keep the food.

The dining room.

That's a sculpture

of a couple people f***ing.

Painting of a fat squirrel.

And this one's called

"triple team,"

self-explanatory.

All right. This is the den.

These dudes are just

testing out video games.

Ned, Stephy says that you're

pretty serious about your bowling,

so I had

a couple lanes installed.

Oh, my god.

None of this was here?

No.

You said you were fixing

a crack in the foundation.

Is that us?

Yeah, I got the images off

your league's Facebook page.

That's so insane.

Dad, look, he even got in

your signature "crotch chop."

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

All right, this here is

where we develop a few apps

for the apple and

android platforms.

Hey, gang,

say hi to the Flemings.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what's up?

Wait, I don't understand.

Do your employees live here?

Uh, maybe some of them do.

I don't really know.

Gustav is actually

an amazing architect.

We designed this place together.

When did you go to machu picchu?

Hun, when did you put these up?

What the heck is that moose?

That's a Phillip Manfredi.

Great pick-up, Barb.

Stephy told me that you're this amazing

art and photography professor.

- That's awesome.

- Mmm-hmm.

I teach a couple of classes

at a local community college.

Don't be so modest, mom.

You're an amazing photographer.

Oh, that looks like

a real dead moose.

Well, that's exactly

what it is, Ned.

A dead moose

suspended in its own urine.

It's meant to symbolize the way

that our culture

has imprisoned our minds.

Oh.

I got to tell you, Ned,

great art really

gets me aroused.

It's actually

a very strong aphrodisiac.

Laird.

Not that you need any help getting

turned on by that gorgeous woman.

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