Why Him? Page #3

Honey.

What? Your mom

is beautiful.

She is. She deserves

some props for that.

Well, I'll take a compliment

wherever I can get one.

Well, here's another one.

You got a bangin' bod, too.

All right.

Hey, what's going on, everyone?

Richard Blais, everybody.

This is the maestro

of molecular gastronomy.

Oh, my god.

That's that cute one

from top chef.

Oh, he's the one

who goes, "bam!"

No, that's Emeril.

He's a f***ing dick, that guy.

Dickie Blais what's up?

Yeah, so laird thought it would be a

fun idea to do a pop-up restaurant

just in your honor tonight.

Did he?

Yeah.

And I have here

a little amuse-bouche.

So if anyone's looking for

a little pre-dinner snack,

you can head on up here.

Count me in,

'cause I'm famished.

All right.

There are so many surprises.

I know.

You're hungry, you've come

to the right place.

I've got surf and turf for you.

Steak and lobster.

Yum, yum.

My version of surf and turf,

edible soil and plankton foam.

Dig in.

Oh.

Wow, can't wait for dinner.

No.

Hey, so I think

it's going great, right?

I think they've already

accepted me.

I'm getting a little bit

of a different vibe.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Don't try so hard.

I'm not, what do you mean?

You put in a bowling alley

for my dad

and you got a tattoo of my

entire family on your back.

Oh.

Was the tattoo too much?

Yes.

F***.

Sh*t, I knew it.

Yeah, Gustav said

the same thing.

Okay, don't worry...

I won't get any more tattoos

of them while they're here.

Thank you.

Okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay.

Oh, one more thing, stop

calling them motherfuckers

and talking about

how hot my mom is.

Well, she's sneaky sexy,

took me by surprise.

Dude, she is a MILF,

like a genuine MILF.

And if it wasn't your MILF,

she'd be a MIWF...

A mother I would f***.

Mmm-mmm.

But I won't.

Okay.

Of course.

Thank you.

All right, it's pretty.

Yeah.

You know...

It's a lot.

Yes! I mean, the moose...

Yes.

And the language.

Come on!

Mmm-hmm.

A real moose!

And he's coming onto your mother.

That's not okay.

And the tattoo?

The tattoo! And how...

Oh, my. And you're...

Yes!

You didn't like the mural

of you and Scotty

down in the new bowling alley?

The bowling alley

with the mural is...

And the bowling alley

is regulation.

That's quite nice

and that's very rare

to have something that nice.

And the Polish

that he used was quite...

It was good. But...

I'm sorry.

I should have told you.

About everything, of course.

Honestly, I didn't know how to

explain him over the phone.

I just kept imagining...

Mom googling laird Mayhew

and you guys

jumping to conclusions

before you even got

a chance to know him.

Well, now we know him.

No, you don't.

You've been here for 15 minutes.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I wouldn't have asked you

to come out here

and miss Christmas in Michigan

for the first time ever,

if he wasn't...

really important to me.

Hmm.

Okay.

You'll give him a chance?

Okay. Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Come here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

So if I did Google him,

what would I find?

Don't do it.

Oh.

Just don't Google him.

Oh.

Well, I still don't see it.

Darling, this is the male,

and he's thrusting.

Oh, god.

All right, everybody,

dinner is served!

Scotty! Come on,

grab a stump.

Dad, you wanna

go there? Mom.

You sure you don't want

to take off your coat?

No. I'm good.

We do it family style here,

so everyone just dig in.

It's super Cas.

Okay, so we have three dishes

for this evening.

We have sous-vide geoduck.

We have mission-style

sea urchin burritos...

Yum.

With edible paper.

Because you're a printer.

And last but not least...

Sweet.

We have smoked California bear.

Enjoy.

Oh, sh*t!

Thanks, Blais.

- Bear?

- Mmm.

Yo, Scotty,

you see the Revenant?

No, I wanted to,

but my parents don't really

let me watch r-rated movies.

You're darn right we don't.

He's only 15.

You want some paper?

Yes, certainly. Thank you.

I don't know

what section that is.

Because that bear

f***ed that dude up!

Now we're gonna

f*** this bear up.

Hey, what about that language?

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

Ah, I think I've got

the arts section here.

You better slow down, Barb.

You're gonna be full

before you get to the funnies.

Ned.

So, um, how did you two meet?

Uh, you want me to go?

Yeah.

Okay.

Laird sponsored a talk on campus

with doctor Joanne Liu,

the head of

doctors without borders.

Oh!

Melinda gates

got me totally pumped

about issues

in the developing world.

Now I'm obsessed.

Wow.

- That's Bill Gates' wife.

- Yeah.

- She's great.

- Yeah.

That's terrific.

That's Steph's field of

interest, too, so that's great.

Yeah, I know.

Ned, you should've

seen her at the talk.

She asked the most intelligent

question. I was blown away.

Really? What did I say?

You were like...

"Hey, what's

the connection between

"women's health

and population density

"in indigenous communities?"

I was like,

"bam! Who's that?"

That's so sweet of you

to remember that.

Of course I remember. Mmm...

- The first time I saw you.

- That's our girl.

She's always been the smartest

person in the room.

So true.

Yeah.

And the sexiest. My god.

Well.

I couldn't keep my eyes off her.

Her hair, and her eyes.

Very pretty eyes.

The way her spine gently arches

to meet the top of her tailbone.

I just wanna pitch a tent and live

in there. You know what I mean?

No.

You're taking it too far.

Quite the outdoors man.

I just mean

she's got a great body.

Oh, well, yes.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

She's a darling girl.

- Like you, Barb.

- Great genes.

Okay.

Two fit women.

I'll have to

agree with you there.

Ol' slamming bod Barb.

Two fit women

and two lucky dudes...

And one double-dicker.

Okay, well.

Laird, when did you graduate

from Stanford?

Oh, I didn't go

to Stanford, bro.

I hardly even graduated

from high school.

He's being modest.

He actually started writing code

for sun micro systems

when he was 13.

That's true.

Wow, that's just like me.

I've been interning

at the Fleming company

since, what, the seventh grade?

Mm-hmm. Yup.

Future CEO,

but you are going to college.

I know, dad. I know. I know.

Just like your sister.

So, Steph,

weren't your surprised

that this big tech mogul

wanted to date you?

He said he was some

low-level programmer at Uber.

I had no idea that

he sponsored the entire event.

So he lied to you.

Oh, Ned, I had to.

I mean there are so many gold

diggers in silicon valley.

They just wanna f*** you

for your tech money.

Language, baby.

You gotta be careful.

I didn't spill the beans

till April.

April? That's

eight months ago. What?

Steph, over the phone, you said

you've only known each other

for a couple of months.

It was super casual at first.

No.

No, it was not.

We exchanged I love you's

on the third date.

Remember? Right after we...

The third date?

Made love in the hot tub

at Esalen in big sur?

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