Why Him? Page #4

No, no, no.

Where, what?

Esalen in big sur.

Really?

Ned. Don't get

the wrong idea.

It was not sexual at all.

It was so much more than that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm confused.

Did you have intercourse or not?

Scotty, shut it.

Dad, I'm just trying to

connect the dots here.

Look. Yeah, we did.

But what I'm saying is

I was transformed.

Stephy opened up like a flower.

You should have seen it.

I shouldn't have seen it,

but now I feel like I have.

I just want your parents to know

that you're living with someone

who's completely devoted to you.

Wait a minute.

What-ing with someone?

You say you're living together?

Yeah.

No. We do not.

Okay, five nights out of seven.

Your stuff is here.

You don't really

stay at the dorm.

Do you have a toothbrush here?

Yeah.

That's cohabitating.

Scotty, stop talking

and eat your paper.

Dad, we do not live together.

Yeah, we're cohabitating.

"Opened up like a flower."

Honey, I'm looking at

the Esalen website right now

and there's nothing

dirty about it.

You go up there for yoga

classes and things like that.

They've been practically

living together for a year.

Why didn't she

just tell us that?

Where the heck are the towels?

He's even affected Scotty.

What is a double dicking,

for crying out loud?

Oh.

Uh...

There she is.

Oh, my god.

Oh, yeah. She's gonna...

She better explain what

the heck is going on here.

All right, so be nice.

Be like, "oh, my god. I love

your boyfriend. He's so normal."

I'm good.

Hi.

Hi, uh...

I thought you'd be Stephanie.

Steph's super pooped.

We had a big fight because of

the way I behaved at dinner.

Don't worry, we took a shower

together and worked it out.

But I snuck out

to have a little check in.

Okay. Well...

Ned, would you come join us?

I'm good here.

Oh, please.

This is an Alaskan king.

There's so much room.

So much room.

It'd really mean

a lot to me. Please?

Okay.

Hey.

I owe you two an apology.

When I get nervous

all kinds of crap comes

flying out of my mouth

and I know that's not

how you guys roll.

No.

I was just trying

to make a good impression.

Yeah. Well, you did.

It was...

I mean you didn't,

but it's okay.

It was an awkward dinner.

It was a unique situation for...

Yeah, but let's all

just move on.

Okay. Great.

Truth be told,

I haven't spent a lot of time

with parental figures.

I don't know if you know this,

but I never knew my father.

Yeah, he picked up my mom

in this bar in Oakland.

They had some sloppy car sex,

and then never spoke again.

Yeah.

I'm not really close

with my mom, either.

To be frank, she's kind of

a motherfucking b*tch.

If I had a nickel

for every time I...

Yeah.

We're sorry to hear that.

That's some tough stuff, pal.

Yup. That's...

That's...

All right. Well,

it's getting late, so...

Yeah.

I'm in love

with your daughter, dudes.

And I'm just so f***ing psyched

to get to know

the people that raised her.

Mmm-hmm.

And we're gonna do Christmas

just like you do at home.

Tomorrow night,

I'm gonna throw a party

in your honor.

Oh, you don't have to

go to the trouble.

You don't... it's not.

We're gonna do

all the holiday sh*t.

Okay. Hmm.

All the sh*t.

Ned, I'd love some

guy time with you.

So maybe we could take a walk

tomorrow morning?

Okay.

Okay, cool.

Justine, will you set Ned

an alarm for 6:
30 A.M.?

You got it, laird.

Ned, an alarm's been set for

you for 6:
30 en la manana.

What? Who is that?

That's Justine.

Yeah, she's like Siri,

but awesome.

I got that chick from

the big bang theory,

Kaley Cuoco, to do the voice.

J, say hi.

Hey, Ned. Hey, Barb.

How are you guys?

- Hi.

- Oh, my god.

Stephanie's told me

so much about you.

Anything you need, I'm here.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

She can't...

Can she see us?

She says that she can't,

but I think that she can.

What the f***

are you talking about?

You know I can't see them.

She's a perv.

Laird.

Anyway, I hope you two have

a nice night's rest.

Yeah, have a good night.

Great night.

Have a great night.

Yeah.

My instinct is to

hug you right now.

- Oh. No.

- I don't think you...

That's okay.

Oh.

Oh, my god.

Barb.

Good night.

Peace.

Barb? There's

no toilet paper.

Uh-oh.

Would you get

a roll for me, please?

Papa make a poopie?

Yes. I made a poopie.

Did daddy do a doo-doo?

Barb, just get

the toilet paper, please?

All right.

Well, you sit tight.

I'm gonna go find you some TP.

Thank you.

Of course.

Mr. playboy.

Unbelievable.

Who is that?

She's a bit of a plain Jane.

Darling?

Yeah. Yup.

Just, um, crack the door

and toss the roll, please.

It's gonna be a little

more complicated than that.

Good morning, Ned.

It's Gustav.

Great.

As I've already told Barb,

we are a paperless household.

Paperless? What?

It's a paperless house, darling.

I got that.

But how am I supposed to

complete my business?

Well, all Japanese toilets

have a very effective

and pleasant cleaning spray.

And I will be very happy

to walk you through the entire process.

Oh, god.

Ned, please locate the

control panel to your left.

Okay, I see it.

Now on that

control panel is a button

that shows an image

of water spraying up.

Okay. And I just push it?

Just press it, yes.

Was that Cologne?

Oh!

Cologne? Oh, yes!

That is a designer-scented

talcum powder.

But that button should

not have activated that.

Ned, that is what is called big

pony for men by the Ralph Lauren.

I'm excited to try.

Can we please just continue?

All right.

Ned?

Yes.

I would like to apologize

sincerely again.

This is the 2018 model

that you are on right now,

so they have not yet made

an instruction manual

in English yet.

So I'm going to take care

of this on my end, all right?

So Ned, you focus on

your end in there

and I will focus

on your end out here.

That's too good.

This is it.

This should do it, Ned.

Okay. Something's whirring.

Something's spinning around

in there.

No! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

God!

Oh, Scheisse!

We are having some

technical difficulties.

That was the vaginal cleanse.

The what cleanse?

I just want a square

of toilet paper.

The vaginal cleanse.

Which I hear is refreshing

and apparently

also very stimulating.

Just saying.

Ned?

Really?

I'm so sorry, Ned...

But I'm going to have to manually

reboot the system from the inside.

In here?

I am so sorry.

Fine.

Why not?

Barb, would you

close the door? Sorry.

It's gonna be great.

Ned, I am blinders.

I see nothing.

I smell nothing.

The print is very small.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, forgive me.

I can't see the instructions.

All right.

What do we have here?

Hmm...

I had some

stomach problems last night.

I think it was the bear.

I can guarantee you,

it was the bear.

Turning on the fan.

Great. Wunderbar.

How'd it go?

I am so sorry

that it took so long.

Ned, I'm going to need you

to be completely still

while we try to

lock in your location.

I'm sitting on a toilet,

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