Why Him? Page #5

that's pretty still.

Searching,

searching, und searching.

And we have target achieved!

And sploosh!

Oh!

There you go, girls.

You raise chickens?

All free-range.

Cows, too.

Pigs, artisanal llamas.

Everything you eat here

comes from within

a 500-yard radius.

I call it

"lawn to table eating."

There she is.

Hey, Daisy.

Oh.

Hi.

Go on, get.

So glad we're doing this, Ned.

I feel like I know you after everything

that Steph's told me about you,

but still not the same...

Do you submit?

F*** you!

Gustav!

Ned, stay away!

You wanna fight?

Tap out!

No!

You want to tap out.

Okay, okay! Fine!

Nice work!

And your reactions

are getting quicker.

Really?

Absolutely.

Thanks.

I am so sorry, Ned. I just

didn't want you to get hurt.

Wait, so you just do

this pink panther thing?

Pink panther?

Pink panther?

The pink panther

from the pink panther movies.

When Cato attacks inspector

Clouseau to keep him sharp.

Are those really old?

I never heard of it.

I'm not familiar, either,

but it sounds

absolutely charming.

Pink panther.

The movies?

Mm-hmm.

Cato is his assistant,

his houseboy.

Houseboy?

Well, it's...

That sounds racist.

He did call him "my little

yellow friend." But...

I'm sorry, you have to

understand, Ned.

Laird is the CEO

of a massive tech company.

I don't like bodyguards around

so I have goose train me in case

I get kidnapped or whatever.

By the way, your CHUN kuk do

moves were very solid.

But what happened to

the evasive parkour?

Ah, evasive parkour.

Yeah.

I totally f***ing spaced!

There's always room to improve.

All right.

Thanks, man.

You got it, brother.

All right, ciao for now,

you friends.

And you guys have a lovely chat.

Ned, come on. I wanna

show you my office.

You know, that's like

classic pink panther.

This is where you work, huh?

Yeah.

I have a den in the house

where I do the financial stuff

but this is where

all the big ideas happen.

Don't you need a computer and...

Nah. My girl Justine

records everything.

Right, j?

- Yep, I'm here.

- Hey, Ned.

Hey, why don't you play back a

blip from yesterday's session?

All right, hold on. F***. There's

so much sh*t up here in your cloud.

Okay, okay got it.

Come on, idiot, think.

Names for games. Um...

Ape assassins six:

Capuchin chaos.

Uh, silverback salsa.

Baboon Bukkake.

F***! Wow, that's awful!

Bad idea.

Why? Why's that?

Uh...

What does that mean?

Bukkake?

Oh, um...

Just means a lot of

things are happening

and you're feeling overwhelmed.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've felt Bukkake before.

Hmm...

Grab a seat. Make yourself

comf. Let's break it down.

Just pop down

right here on the floor.

There you go.

Ned, I think you and

I have so much in common.

We see something we want

and we just dive in

and we take it.

Know what I mean?

Yeah.

Which is why...

on Christmas day...

I'm going to ask Stephy

to marry me.

And I know

how tight you two are.

Mm-hmm.

So I'd really, really

like your blessing.

Uh, laird.

Really appreciate

you coming to me.

'Course.

But, uh, the answer's no.

Dude, I'm so confused.

What the f***?

What the hell?

This went so much differently

when I rehearsed it with Gustav.

Yeah. I asked you

and you were like,

"yeah, dude. My son."

Laird. Listen to me, okay.

Beside the fact that I don't know

you from a hole in the wall...

Stephanie is just not ready

for this step in her life.

Oh, I'm totally getting

the signals that she is.

I'm her father,

I know her pretty well.

Okay, all right.

All right, Ned...

Dude, I know

I sprung this on you.

My bad. Okay?

Let's just back it up.

All right?

All right.

Why don't you give me a few

days to win you over, okay?

And by Christmas morning...

I promise, you're going to be

calling me "son."

I'm gonna be calling you "dad".

Don't think

that's going to happen.

I think it's gonna, dad.

Don't.

Dad, come on.

Don't call me "dad."

Don't call you "dad"?

I'm not your dad.

I mean, you're gonna be my dad.

No. No.

What, dad?

Okay, now you're

playing with me.

All right. Dad.

Look, laird.

Why do you even care

about what I think?

You're Stephanie's father.

I'm not gonna ask Stephanie to marry

me unless I have your blessing.

Okay.

Justine, did you get that?

Totes.

Yeah, recorded every word.

Totes. And totes is what?

It means totally. But totally's kind

of long, so "totes" is just easier.

Okay. Good.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Yeah.

But you gotta promise me

that you won't tell Steph

anything about this.

About any of this.

Trust me, that is the last

thing in the world I will do.

For reals, dude.

I want it to be a surprise.

No word. I won't say a word.

Barb and Scotty, too.

No clowning.

No clowning.

What?

I'd just feel a lot better

about this if we pinky swore.

Oh.

I see what you mean.

Cool.

Go get breakfast.

Okay.

F***!

Sup, guys?

- Hey, boss.

- Mayhew!

The f***?

Come with me immediately.

The hell is this room?

Randy, get the f*** out.

Yes, sir, Gustav.

Mm-hmm.

I am on the needles und pins.

I need you to tell me

how it went right now

or I'm going to burst.

He said no!

What? Okay, okay.

But how did you respond?

I was blindsided, man.

I didn't know what to do.

I challenged him.

Okay.

I started calling him dad.

Oy vey.

The f***, man!

Why would you call him dad?

You're putting him at unease!

You have to find a way in.

You have to do something

for him that's truly special

so that he knows

that your intentions are pure.

Dude, goose, I don't know

how to talk to the guy.

It's like we speak two different

languages or something.

You do.

Yeah.

He speaks English.

And you speak English with

resounding amounts of "f***."

All right, Stephanie's been

on my case, too.

Yes.

I got it.

All right?

Okay.

Right.

All right, man.

Great.

Great.

You just f***ing really

hit me really hard.

I know. I am sorry.

It's just, laird...

your relationship

with miss Stephanie

is very special.

It's the real deal.

Hey.

Yes.

Goose, I know I pay you

a sh*t-ton of money,

but you're my best friend.

Our friendship is priceless.

Hey. Thanks, brother.

Okay.

Okay. Ow! Mercy. Mercy.

F***.

Bro, you're incredible.

That was very imaginative

how you took that tender moment

and used it

as your pivot to attack.

Yeah.

Very good.

What's up, cheese?

I'm about to go to

the football game.

Lions, baby!

Great. How's business?

Tell me something good.

Oh, uh...

I talked to my guy

over at dick's sporting goods.

Don't tell me

they're going with China, too.

Worse.

Freaking online banner ads.

No. Damn it.

All right, listen.

I'm gonna call Don Millis at

Subaru of Southern Michigan.

I heard a little rumor that they might

be looking for a new dance partner.

Yeah, don, the big guy, right?

You guys go back

to your car selling days.

Yeah. It's worth a shot.

Listen...

I need you to go in

and pull his card

from my Rolodex

while I look for a pen.

You got it, cheese.

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