Wiener-Dog Page #4

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You learn by doing.

Class time is a waste.

But, really,

are you saying

you learned nothing here?

Maybe some storytelling

techniques,

screenwriting approaches?

What if? Then what?

I mean, no offense, but...

Sh*t.

Is Schmerz

still teaching here?

You have reached

the office of Carol Steinhardt.

Our office hours are Monday

through Friday,

9:
00 AM to 6:00 PM.

Please leave a message telling

us your name, phone number,

and purpose for calling

at the sound of the beep.

Thank you.

Carol...

it's Dave Schmerz.

I love you.

Go on, I'm listening.

Well, the thing is

I just don't understand

why I can't write

a script about identity.

What about identity?

I mean, identity

in terms of gender.

Its fluidity.

I've been wanting

to apply '90s queer theory

from a race perspective,

as well,

but after reading

"Epistemology of the Closet,"

I'm just not sure

how to go about the problem

of cohesion and structure.

Look...

you know what I'm gonna say.

You got to have a "what if."

Simple as that.

What if you got locked

out of your house?

What if your girlfriend

cheated on you?

What if you won the lottery?

Then you would have a story.

Then you would be in business.

- I don't know.

- I know.

Thanks for your time,

Professor Schmerz.

Hey, Zeno...

how'd it go with Schmerz?

I'm dropping out.

What did he say?

What if.

F*** that sh*t.

I mean, like,

what if you taught

script writing at a film school

and had no f***ing talent?

What if you wrote,

like, one movie 19 years ago

and it was a piece of sh*t?

What if you had

incurable halitosis?

At least he's got an agent.

Big f***.

My ex-boyfriend's an agent.

The school

should get rid of him.

It's just somehow everything

he suggests seems totally lame.

Like, it's all shtick.

He's probably got, like,

the box set

to "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

- Or "Seinfeld."

- Or Woody Allen.

He's such a homophobe.

He's an idiot,

and he's old.

He's a dinosaur.

Look, I read your script.

It's good.

It's transgressive.

- Thanks.

- I want to start a petition.

I already talked to Phillips

about it...

My uncle's on the board.

I'm just,

like, done with this sh*t.

He's so out of here.

- Yeah, but, like, what if...

- What if what?

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

I.D.?

Are you David Schmerz?

What if I am?

Then what?

You did what?

Cheese!

Hi, Nana, it's Zoe.

Um, listen, I'm just

running a little bit late,

but I should definitely

be there in, like, in 20...

20, 30 minutes tops, okay?

And I'll...

I'll see you soon, okay?

Okay, I love you.

This way. This way.

Yvette! Hi!

Hi.

Nana!

I'm sorry I'm late.

Just the traffic

and now with that new highway...

Hi.

Oh, let me introduce you.

This is Fantasy.

Hey.

That's his actual name.

He's, um...

He's got a sister called Dream.

So...

Yvette!

Kaopectate.

You look really good.

Huh?

I said you're

looking really good.

I heard you.

Fantasy is an artist.

Like Picasso.

He was just in this group show,

and it got mentioned in

"Artforum" 30 Under 30.

And he was a finalist

for a Guggenheim last year.

Oh, I got robbed.

You know,

Nana used to do some painting

when she was young.

Didn't you, Nana?

I posed nude

and spread my legs.

That's cool.

Yeah, Fantasy is actually, um,

he's involved

in installation work.

Not... Not type specific,

but more like mixed media.

And, um, he actually

finds these dead animals,

and he embalms them,

and then he sort of

roboticizes them

into these, like,

audio sculptural sort of...

- I'm interested in mortality.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean his work is...

very exploratory,

very controversial.

And you might be thinking

that it's sort of

like a Damien Hirst derivative,

but it's...

F*** that derivative sh*t!

But it... But it...

But his work is...

Motherfuckers.

His work is actually

very, um...

you know, social welfare,

income gap, inequality oriented.

F*** Damien Hirst!

Thanks.

I think it's really great

that you got a new dog,

and it's so cute!

I mean, I think that everyone

should have a pet.

What's its name?

Cancer.

Wait, wait, um...

Why would...

you name it that?

It felt right.

Wait...

Nana, are y... are you?

Everyone's dying.

- I'm going outside.

- Here.

Take Cancer with you.

She has to go.

Um, there's all of

this traffic now,

and it used to be so quiet here

and peaceful and...

sound of bird calls.

Do you ever think about moving?

No.

But the highway...

Oh, um...

I got you a little present.

What for?

I just thought, you know...

crazy, spur of the moment.

Here, open it.

You open it.

Yeah, okay.

It's, um...

It's an ostrich egg.

It's... It's...

It's supposed to be

like a delicacy in South Africa.

People worship it there,

and you can fry it or poach it

or scramble it or,

you know, pickle it or...

Yvette?

Just be super careful

with it, Yvette.

It's just really delicate.

I got a part in a movie.

It's a speaking part.

Um, I play...

a crack whore,

but it's very emotional,

super tender.

Very tender.

And it's two scenes.

Nana, I know that I haven't been

to visit you in a while.

When was the last time

you came by?

I don't know.

Three years.

Four.

How much do you need this time?

10,000.

But it's not 'cause of drugs.

It's just this could be such

a big deal for Fantasy.

You know, in this moment

of his career and he's...

You know, he's worked so hard

and he's so sensitive inside.

And it's...

It's for a really,

really good cause.

How's your dad?

He's in...

California, I think.

When was the last time

you saw him?

We don't speak.

- When are you getting married?

- I don't know.

Um...

You know,

there's just so much stuff

going on right now, and...

Fantasy and I are kind

of just taking things easy,

you know,

'cause there's no rush, like...

I mean, I'm still young, so...

Don't kid yourself.

Um, you just...

You just forgot to fill out

the amount.

No, you fill it out.

I'm no good with numbers.

I'm worried that...

I'm worried that Fantasy

isn't faithful to me.

Yo, Zoe!

That's him.

I got to go.

Bye, Nana!

We'll be back soon.

Thank you!

What happened to you?

I got old.

- I don't want to be old.

- Don't worry.

It will happen so fast,

you won't even know it happened.

Do I have to get wrinkles?

They're not so bad.

Yes, they are.

Well, you can always

have work done.

You mean Botox?

Who are all these children?

You.

They're all you.

All the different lives

you could have had

if you hadn't chosen

the life you chose.

But I didn't choose.

That's you if you had

continued studying art.

And that's you if you had

married your true love.

And that's you

if you had forgiven your mother.

So many years

you never got to know.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

And that's you

if you'd shown kindness

to your daughter.

And that's you

if you'd learned

to overlook others' flaws.

And you if you hadn't

given up on life.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello. Hello.

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