Wiener-Dog Page #3

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What's the best number

I can have him reach you at?

- My cell will be fine.

- Great.

Then I'll let him know

you called as soon

as he gets off.

Thanks.

Bear with me.

Okay, then.

So...

how are you doing?

Great.

Great!

Great.

Would you like something

to drink?

- Bottled water?

- Oh, thanks.

Thanks, I'm good.

Good.

So, tell us...

why do you want

to be a filmmaker?

Well, I've just always

wanted to be a filmmaker.

Ever since, really,

my whole life.

Well, that's great.

Yes, but... why?

Well, I just feel I have

so much to say.

Like what?

What do you have to say?

Well, just everything.

I mean, movies have always

been so inspiring to me.

But tell me,

what movies have inspired you?

What movie or movies

made you want

to become a filmmaker?

Oh, gee.

Well, really,

there are just so many.

I mean, you name it.

Like, all... all kinds.

- Name one, for example.

- Oh, God.

That is such a good question.

And, I mean,

it's really hard, you know,

because there are so many

that are just so great.

What movies have you seen

in the past few weeks

or months?

Have you liked

any of them in particular?

The past few weeks?

Hmm.

Any movie

that you saw over the last year

and that you really liked.

Or made an impression.

Yeah, I know this is

like a trick question, you know,

but there really are so many

that I... I just

can't keep track.

Please, just name a movie.

Any movie.

Excuse me.

I have to take this.

Hello, Schmerz here.

I've got Trey Silver for you.

- How you doing?

- Great!

Great.

Listen, I have big news.

It's gonna sound

like bad news at first,

but I promise you

it's good news in the end.

Uh-huh.

I'm leaving the agency,

and I'm moving over

to Universal

to be VP of production.

I feel super sad

about leaving you,

but it's gonna be so much

better for you in the end

because I'll be in

a much stronger position

to help move

your projects forward.

Have you gotten

to read my script yet?

No, but I wanted

to be totally focused

on where I was first instead

of giving it a sloppy read

while I'm in the middle

of a major job switch

and the phone

is ringing off the hook

and I've got, like,

5,000 e-mails

and Variety...

Yada, yada, yada.

So when do you think

you'll get around to reading it?

First, I want to hand you

over to Carol Steinhardt.

She's super excited about

taking over as your agent,

provided you feel

cool about that.

She's hot,

she's young, she's smart...

Straight out of Harvard.

She's a major up-and-comer.

You're gonna totally click.

So Carol's gonna read it first?

Right now

I think that's your best move.

Speaking off the record

as your friend.

I'm gonna tell her

to give you a call

as soon as we hang up.

Er, wait.

Kara?

I'm here, yes.

See if you can get

Carol Steinhardt right now.

Oh, okay.

Really this is the best thing

that could ever

have happened to you.

I'm, like, so happy for you.

- She's on a conference call.

- Oh, okay, listen.

It's all gonna work out great.

Promise.

Now I got to run.

But I'll talk to you soon,

my friend.

You need to exercise.

I walk my dog.

Exercise.

I can't.

Work out.

Lose weight.

I can't.

You're a ticking time bomb.

Hello?

- Hi, is this Dave Schmerz?

- Yes.

Please hold. I have

Carol Steinhardt for you.

So nice to connect

with you at last, Dave.

Things have been, like,

so crazy here at the agency.

But, tell me,

how are you doing?

Well, I don't have cancer.

Oh, gee!

Trey warned me about you.

- So how are things going?

- Oh, my God.

You can't...

Okay, well, listen now.

Are you sitting down?

Yeah.

I slipped a copy of your

script over to DreamWorks.

Oh.

So when do you think

they'll read it by?

I should know by Monday.

I mean, really,

they are desperate

for new material.

- Uh, did you read it?

- Dave, are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, it's genius!

Hilarious!

I'm telling you, the script

is going to be

a game changer for you.

Oh, gee!

Because I was really worried

about the third act

where DooBee disguises himself

as his mother-in-law

and the Mafia chases him

and then suddenly...

List...

Oh, listen, Dave, honey,

that's DreamWorks

on the other line.

I'm gonna have to jump

onto that. Talk soon!

Hey.

Dave.

Thanks for dropping by.

I got a message you wanted me

to come talk with you.

Come sit down.

Don't worry,

it's really nothing so serious.

Can I get you something

to drink?

Coffee?

No, I'm good.

Good.

So...

how are things

going with your screenplay?

Things are happening.

Good.

Good!

Oh, I'm sorry

that I had to drop

out of that interview

last week, the student.

Nah.

I understood.

Totally cool.

Things are happening.

I get it.

Listen... we have a surprise

director

coming this evening

for the Director Series,

and I know you're not required

to show up for these things,

but I'd really like it

if you did,

as a favor.

I really need a good turnout.

Oh, I can show up.

That's what you want?

Fill a seat?

Thanks, Dave.

Is that all?

Actually...

there is something else.

I've gotten a few reports,

e-mails from some faculty,

some students.

Who?

They're not happy

with your performance here.

What did I do wrong?

You didn't do anything wrong.

It's just...

the general consensus is...

you're a little too negative.

General consensus?

Well,

not everyone's complaining.

It's...

just there are always a few...

complainers.

So they're being negative

about me?

Look, Dave, I'm talking

to you as your friend.

I know you're a great

teacher here.

I helped push

to keep you full time.

"Celebrity Schmelebrity"

is a terrific script.

It's a piece of sh*t.

I tried to do something good.

It's... something...

Get into my childhood.

Get into some...

Something real.

Real stuff.

Pain.

Memories.

Dreams.

But I wanted it to be funny.

I wanted people to like it.

I wanted it to sell.

So I threw in

the mixed-up identities...

I threw in the sex jokes.

The Mafia.

A little schtick.

Everyone loves a little schtick.

You're not tenured.

This is a new administration.

Shapiro's out.

Brenner's gone.

Wienstein's gone.

Horrowitz and Mandell, gone.

There's only so much

I can do if you don't put forth

a more positive attitude.

Show people

that you really care.

Show people.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

The students and faculty

are all so delighted

to have you with us today.

As an alumnus,

you serve

as a real-life inspiration.

You've shown how it is,

in fact,

possible to achieve success

after film school.

Yes.

But really

all I did was make a movie.

One movie.

Luck is such a big factor.

Yes, but talent doesn't hurt.

- Well...

- Tell me,

how do you feel about

your film school experience?

I mean,

how did it prepare you

for the real world?

Nothing can prepare you

for the real world.

Yes,

but what would you advise

the students here

today who want to make movies,

be like you?

My advice?

Drop out.

Drop out and make a movie.

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