Wild Hogs Page #22

BOB:

(WHISPERING)

What is that?

DUDLEY:

(WHISPERING)

It's that blue port-o-potty juice. It's

coming out of the can.

The guys all cringe in disgust, but know they can't move.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

Jack finally turns away from the pot-o-potty and smirks.

JACK:

(TO GANG)

Now, that's a port-o-potty that ain't

worth sh*t.

The Hell's Angels all laugh and turn back to the diner.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 82.

JACK (CONT'D)

All right, then. Nobody wants to tell me

where they are? Fine. Maybe this'll jar

your memory.

Jack takes a garbage can and tosses it into the diner

window. The crowd gasps, as the Hells Angels laugh.

CHARLEY steps out of the crowd.

CHARLEY:

I think they're out at Mckinley's

pasture. Something about slapping a

bull. It's up past the lake a ways.

Jack smiles.

JACK:

Good.

(to Hells Angels)

Saddle up, boys.

The guys get on their bikes.

JACK (CONT'D)

(TO TOWN)

And if they ain't there. We'll be back

reeeal soon. Because I don't let any man

get away from me.

The gang snickers. Jack realizes;

JACK (CONT'D)

(TO GANG)

Shut the hell up! I didn't-- You know

what I meant!

Jack starts his bike and roars out of the town. The

others follow him, gunning their bikes and leaving skid

marks and smoke in their trail. A kid yells at the Hells

Angels as they ride out of sight.

KIDS:

Go ahead and come back! The Wild Hogs

aren't afraid you! The Wild Hogs aren't

afraid of anything!

Suddenly, the door pops open on the port-o-potty and the

WILD HOGS topple out of it in a heap. We see they're

soaked in blue port-o-potty juice.

They scramble to their feet and run towards the large

fountain in the middle of the town square.

I:

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 83.

DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY

Ahhhh!/ I'm going to vomit!/ Ecchhh!

The townspeople watch in silence as the guys jump into

the fountain and try to rinse off.

Bob puts his head under a water-spouting marble fish.

BOB:

It got in my hair! Gross!

The guys desperately try to rinse off the juice - then,

drenched from head to toe, turn their glare to Woody.

DOUG:

(TO WOODY)

You lied, didn't you!? You stood there

and lied to us!

BOB:

You did! You're a stinking liar!

WOODY:

I did it for you guys! I wanted you to

live!

DOUG:

Live!? We're going to die, Woody! You

burned down their bar! We are dead men!

DUDLEY:

Oh, man. I thought it was going to

happen slowly. I thought I had time!

Dudley sits on the fountain edge and starts to tear up.

WOODY:

(TO GUYS)

I'm sorry, okay!

DOUG:

Sorry? That's it!? You're sorry!?

WOODY:

Yes, I'm sorry! I just didn't want us to

go back.

DOUG:

Why? It's just a stupid vacation!

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 84.

WOODY:

Because I don't have anything to go back

to, okay!

Doug and Bob go silent. Woody looks away - trying to

collect himself. After a moment, he faces them.

WOODY (CONT'D)

I've lost everything. The firm fired me,

Claudia left me... It's all gone. My

whole life is gone. I don't even have

enough money to get my lawn raked

anymore.

Doug, Bob and Dudley are stupefied. Woody takes a deep

breath and continues.

WOODY (CONT'D)

That's why I couldn't go back. This

isn't a vacation for me, it's the only

thing I have left. There's nothing more

in my life but you guys. So, I lied

about the Hells Angels. I lied because I

wanted to have one thing in my life that

wasn't a complete failure. A real trip

with my best friends... You're all I

got. I'm sorry.

Woody lowers his head. The guys take this in for a

minute. Woody looks at them, waiting for their sympathy.

Finally, Doug speaks.

DOUG:

(realizing, to Woody)

This trip is just you running from your

life. Your miserable, screwed up life.

(GETTING ANGRIER)

And you knew you couldn't go back to it,

so instead you screwed up our lives,

too... You a**hole!

Woody's puppy-dog face dissolves.

WOODY:

Fine! I see how important I am to you

guys. That's just fine. I just thought

being a "Wild Hog" meant something!

Woody takes off his "Wild Hogs" jacket and throws it at

their feet. He hops out of the fountain and storms off

down the street.

"Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 85.

DOUG:

It doesn't mean anything! It's just a

patch my wife made!!

Doug, Bob and Dudley look at each other. After a moment,

they look over to the sidewalk and see:

ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLE, staring at them in disappointed

silence. Slowly, the townspeople turn and quietly head

back to their homes. Doug, Bob and Dudley lower their

heads in disgrace. So much for being heroes.

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