Wild Oats Page #2

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How he had the wind on the deck,

the fear of the unknown...

The genocide of the Indians.

Well, yeah, that, too.

- Thank you, Doc.

- Well... How's Maddie Reynolds doing?

- She's fine.

- Yeah?

She holding up okay?

I'm sorry?

Oh, no. Just... tell her I said hi.

No, wait. Wh-What's wrong with her?

Uh, just tell her I said hi.

Maddie, what is the matter with you?

Well, I could stand to lose ten pounds.

- Maddie...

- And weird as it may sound,

I mean, some people find me depressing.

- Please.

- While others envy me for my fantastic figure.

- Please tell me.

- And still others

leave me for their secretaries.

He left you?

He packed up his clothes

and moved in with Clarissa's 25-year-old ass.

Oh, my.

Do you know how great my ass was?

It's still the envy of the town.

Not anymore.

Pull yourself together.

- You know what really kills me?

- I don't want to know.

What... does she see in him?

Hi.

What can I get for you ladies today?

Would you... date someone in their 60s?

I'm sorry?

Uh, French toast... that really looked good.

I mean, would you go out

with a man in his 60s?

It's a simple question.

- Um...

- It was challah French toast, yes?

Am I pronouncing that correctly?

I mean, just give me an answer because

my husband just left me for someone

who could be your twin.

Oh, my God.

Are you Maddie Reynolds?

Yeah.

My friend Clarissa just moved in

with your ex-husband.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.

- We should have a Spanish omelet now.

It's really awkward. I am really sorry.

She is such a b*tch.

I thought you said she was your friend.

Well, yeah...

What does she see in him?

H-He kind of looks like Patrick Stewart?

What?

No.

I mean, it takes him an hour in the bathroom,

no matter why he has to go.

He's got a gut.

He has no muscle tone left.

He's losing all his hair.

He uses Viagra.

Now, none of this is his fault, but...

why isn't your friend Chad moving in with me?

We need to just take a minute.

I don't have any friends named Chad.

And second of all, I mean,

I think old faces are beautiful.

I don't know why you're

so uptight about your age.

We'd like to have the two

breakfast specials, please.

Thank you very much, and then you can go.

I am so sick of taking the blame

for Clarissa's bullshit.

Thank you so much, and you please go away.

Now, why... isn't my hot young secretary

moving in with me when I've got

one foot in the grave, huh?

What does that mean?

It's nothing, it's nothing.

You're my best friend

for 40 years and I love you,

and I need to know what it is

that's going on.

Do you remember, uh, when I went

to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina?

Yes.

Well, I didn't really go there.

Where'd you go?

Johns Hopkins Hospital in Maryland.

What about all those...

sights from the Civil War?

The... you sounded so knowledgeable.

Wikipedia.

I'm okay. It's all fine.

Is it, really?

Yes, and six months from now,

it may still be fine.

Six months?

There's even a 20% chance...

that it'll be great.

20 percent?

And until then, they have done

everything that they can possibly do,

and I never want to talk about this again.

I'm glad you told me.

I told you nothing.

All right, dear.

Here comes Greg Pinkerton.

Big Laurie's father?

He's coming over here.

Well, just say hi.

I mean, legs aren't everything.

Eva Fenton?

Oh, yes, hello.

I'm Greg Pinkerton.

I hear you got a little crush on me.

No.

So, Mom, Luke and I brought you a present.

Oh, thank you. This is quite beautiful.

What is this?

Well, we were watching this infomercial...

Oh.

...and we said to ourselves,

"That is something she should really have."

You wear it around your neck.

See, if anything happens,

you press the button and it connects you

directly to the paramedics.

Ah.

So, what's wrong with the telephone?

Well, what if you couldn't get to the

telephone because you were incapacitated?

I mean, you could totally be incapacitated.

Yeah, it would take you days

to crawl to the telephone.

- And then what if the battery was dead?

- By the time you got there.

Well, I could try to crawl to the kitchen,

where I have one on a hook.

But, Mom, there was this old woman,

and she fell in her bathtub,

- and if her daughter hadn't come by...

- Mm-hmm.

...she would have totally died.

Life Alert saves lives from catastrophe...

...every ten minutes.

I know why this looks so familiar.

Mrs. Benson put one of these

on her dog, and he had really...

used to run away a lot,

and he had very bad arthritis

in his hind legs.

Now you see.

Older and bigger dogs, they get arthritis.

But, Mom, this is not for dogs.

Hmm.

It's for people.

You see, you have to push the button.

Doesn't work if you don't have

opposable thumbs.

Oh.

I see.

Certified letter for Eva Fenton.

Oh, thank you. You filling in for Pete?

Pete retired, moved to Orlando.

Really?

He seemed so young.

Pete, no.

I thought you said

the policy was for $50,000.

- It is.

- But this is more than that.

Oh, I know that, but look at the letter.

"Enclosed:
Full payment

of the amount of $50,000."

Yeah, but this is more than that.

I know that.

This is $5 million.

I-I can count the zeros.

Whoa. Well, there must have been

some computer glitch.

I called the insurance company.

- And?

- Oh.

Welcome to Beneficial Life,

where your life matters.

To continue in English,

press one or say "English."

Para Espaol, oprima dos.

Representative.

For main menu, press one or say "Main menu."

Representative!

For automobile insurance, press one

or say "Automobile insurance."

For motorcycles and off-road

vehicles, press two or say

"Motorcycles and off-road vehicles."

For personal watercraft, press three

or say Personal watercraft."

For life insurance, press four

or say "Life insurance."

It's amazing, isn't it? Technology.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

- Maddie.

- What?

Welcome to Beneficial Life,

where your life matters.

What?

For personal watercraft,

press three or say "Personal watercraft."

I'm not gonna say a thing.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

For personal watercraft,

press three or say "Personal watercraft."

For life insurance, press four

or say "Life insurance."

Life insurance!

You have pressed four for life insurance.

Yes!

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

No!

Life insurance.

- Press four.

- Life insurance.

Did you just say "Personal watercraft"?

For life insurance, press four

or say "Life insurance."

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

I have a question about the policy.

Please ask your question,

then press the pound key.

- There, go on.

- Okay.

Um, my question is that, um, I don't think...

I don't think that I got the right amount

on my, on my husband's life insurance policy.

Press the pound key.

Pound. Okay.

Thank you for calling Beneficial

Life, where your life matters.

If you would like to speak

to a representative,

please say "Representative."

Representative!

Oh.

I'm sorry, all our representatives are

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