Wild Wild West Page #14

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JIM:

Damn! We go through all that and

does he even wait for us?

He turns to see his partner dashing back into the factory.

INT. STEAM WORKS - DAWN

Artemus leaps up onto the work table and reaches up above

the hanging lamp. Jim walks over, leans against the table,

wondering what the hell he's up to.

JIM:

Having fun? Because we really

gotta catch this guy...

Artemus unhooks the recorder from the cable and sets it

onto the table. He starts winding its crank. Jim sure

looks confused.

ARTEMUS:

(proudly)

Know what this is?

JIM:

Sure. It's a wind-up... thing.

ARTEMUS:

A cylinder recorder. My own design.

Jim's about to say something. Artemus holds his finger

to his lips for silence and resets the needle. He pushes

a lever and the cylinder spins. We hear SCRATCHY STATIC

and then, miraculously -- a VOICE.

MIGUELITO (V.O.)

... And do give me some room,

Voltaire. You're breathing on my

head! I hate it when you breath

on my head!

JIM:

Dr. Loveless?

Artemus nods. Jim is amazed.

MIGUELITO (V.O.)

Now you're standing in my light.

How many times must I tell you?!

Very well, gentlemen, what is our

report on Dr. Pemberton? Is she

cooperating?

ASSISTANT (V.O.)

They've persuaded her.

MIGUELITO (V.O.)

Good, good. Now, everyone, take a

look at this...

Then SILENCE for precious seconds. The needle has almost

reached the end of the spinning cylinder. Artemus gazes

at it impatiently.

JIM:

This is good.

ARTEMUS:

Shhh!

(to recorder)

Come on. Tell us something!

MIGUELITO (V.O.)

That is precisely where we will

find little Willard. And,

unfortunately, Willard will have

to be exterminated if we are ever

to be taken seriously. We must

move quickly. Get everything in

order. And, Voltaire, be a good

boy and find me one of those Western

hats...

(on second thought)

No, no, one of those attractive

pith helmets. It's damnably hot

out there, isn't it?

(pause)

Oh, we are so close. So very close

to the grand culmination of my

dream. The entire world will

tremble when they see...

But the recording cylinder runs out.

ARTEMUS:

Oh, damn! That's it.

JIM:

It's better than nothing.

ARTEMUS:

It is?

JIM:

He's going to put on a pith helmet

and kill some guy named Willard.

INT. THE WANDERER - PARLOUR CAR - DAY

The TELEGRAPH CLICKS AWAY. FIND Jim and Artemus eagerly

decoding the message. Then, simultaneously, they look

crushed. Artemus drops onto the sofa as Jim flops into a

chair.

JIM:

No record of him.

ARTEMUS:

You'd think if Loveless is going

to kill him he could at least be a

prominent citizen.

Artemus looks out the window as we HEAR a train CLANGING

and CHUFFING to a stop on a parallel track.

ARTEMUS:

What's this?

JIM:

Sounds like a train.

(glancing over)

Looks like a train.

ARTEMUS:

Yes. And a much nicer one than

ours.

The door flies open and TWO BODYGUARDS and TWO AIDES march

in. Jim leaps up:

JIM:

Who the hell are you? Ever hear

of knocking? You think you can

just barge in here like that...?

The men step aside for -- President Grant who strides in.

Jim keeps on talking, but a different tune:

JIM:

... well, of course you can. Mr.

President, what a surprise. What

brings you here?

GRANT:

On my way to Denver...

AIDE:

Albuquerque is next, sir.

GRANT:

Whatever. My whistle-stop tour of

the Southwest. One godforsaken

cowtown after another.

(sees Artemus)

You must be Gordon. Speak French,

huh? Hope it helps.

Grant doesn't pause, reaching out to the aide who hands

him a telegram.

GRANT:

Got a message from some crackpot

named Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

Ever hear of him? Wants the U.S.

to give him half the Southwest.

Claims it's his. If we don't sign

his cockeyed treaty, he's

threatening to destroy an entire

town every day until we do.

Jim and Artemus are stunned.

JIM:

Where'd he say he was going to do

this?

GRANT:

He didn't. That's your job. I'm

taking you off that other case

until you've nabbed this lunatic.

Good luck.

(takes in the parlour car)

Nice train. But mine's nicer.

Grant hands the speechless guys the telegram and instantly

marches out, followed by his entourage.

Jim and Artemus take a moment to collect themselves, then

brighten as they realize:

ARTEMUS:

Willard...

JIM:

It's not a guy...

ARTEMUS:

It's a town!

They race to the bookshelf, pull down atlases and start

flipping through them.

ARTEMUS:

Got to be somewhere that's hot.

He said it was "damnably hot."

JIM:

(scanning the index)

That rules out Willard, Vermont;

Willard, Minnesota...

(brightening)

Willard, New Mexico?

Jim flips to the right page --

ANGLE - ATLAS - MAP OF NEW MEXICO TERRITORY

MOVE IN on the map, finding the tiny town of Willard.

EXT. THE WEST - DAY - THE WANDERER

churns across the majestic western landscape we've been

waiting for!

EXT. THE WEST - NIGHT - THE WANDERER

is a tiny speck streaking through the desert darkness.

INT. THE WANDERER - PARLOUR CAR - NIGHT

Artemus lounges, smoking a cigar, his face hidden behind

a book:
"A Guide To The Ancient Fighting Skills Of The

Oriental Races."

Jim, on the other hand, paces the room, itching for action.

JIM:

Damn, I wish this thing would go

faster.

ARTEMUS:

Relax. We're almost there.

JIM:

We oughta get a couple of those

rockets. Voom! We're there before

we left!

As Artemus lowers the book he's reading:

ARTEMUS:

I'll work on it.

Jim stares -- Artemus is in another disguise with a full

beard and bulbous nose.

JIM:

What is that?

ARTEMUS:

This?

(fingers the nose)

I'm testing a new spirit gum, to

see how it holds.

JIM:

And people are actually fooled by

that?

ARTEMUS:

(offended)

My disguises have helped me solve

many a difficult case. I spent

three years on the stage, you know.

(standing and taking off

his make-up)

Remind me sometime to regale you

with my Lear.

The men get down to business, strapping on their guns.

Artemus hands Jim the infamous belt-buckle-derringer.

JIM:

Not again.

ARTEMUS:

I adjusted it.

Jim reluctantly straps it on, takes a fighting stance,

and slaps the buckle. Nothing happens. He tries a few

more times. Still no gun pops out.

JIM:

So the idea is if a guy punches

me, he really hurts his hand?

ARTEMUS:

(testy)

You said it popped out too easily.

Nothing's ever good enough for

you, is it?

The train BRAKES SQUEAL and we hear Doyle over the speaking

tube:

DOYLE (V.O.)

Willard, New Mexico... I... I think.

EXT. WILLARD - THE WANDERER - PARLOUR CAR - NIGHT

Jim and Artemus step out and freeze. Smoke blows past

them. Doyle hurries to join them and they all silently

stare. PAN TO REVEAL --

The town has been utterly destroyed. It's Hiroshima.

Buildings are shattered rubble. Blackened timbers claw

up at the night sky. Embers smolder everywhere.

A twisted rifle lies in the dust. A pair of boots juts

from under a smashed wagon. A woman's ragged dress

flutters on a splintered beam. There's not a soul around.

Stunned Jim and Artemus stare hopelessly at the horrifying

scene.

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