Wild Wild West Page #16

---

JIM:

That would be... the Mexican War?

MIGUELITO:

Call it what you like. The point

is, I was heir to that land, Mr.

West. It belonged to my beloved

grandmother! Now I intend to have

it back. My own country!

He gestures to a flag on the opposite wall.

MIGUELITO:

You see, I have everything. A

flag... My own postage stamps...

He points out colorful stamps in a glass display case.

Then he digs in his jacket pocket. Jim warily c*cks his

pistol.

MIGUELITO:

Oh relax!

Miguelito slowly pulls out paper money, tossing the bills

on the desk in front of Jim. They bear Miguelito's

portrait.

MIGUELITO:

I've even printed my own currency.

JIM:

(reading from a bill)

"Emperor Miguelito...?"

MIGUELITO:

The first.

JIM:

Well, your highness, what makes

you think we'll ever sign a treaty

with you?

MIGUELITO:

Because I am holding all the western

territories hostage, Mr. West! A

town a day will disappear! Willard

was merely a test run, a stroll in

the park. Next, I level all of

Albuquerque!

(off Jim's reaction)

Yes, that's right. Only yesterday

I learned what you undoubtedly

already know:
your own President

will be there. What an added bonus!

The gods are shining on me! After

tomorrow every American citizen

will rise up and demand I be given

back my humble little empire!

JIM:

(looking to the others)

So, I'm the only one here who can

tell the difference between an

Emperor and a murderer?

Miguelito glowers.

MIGUELITO:

The definition of what I am, Mr.

West, depends simply on... whether

or not I win. And guess what?

I'm going to win!

With that he suddenly presses one of a row of brass buttons

on the edge of his desk. A trap door opens!!

But not under Jim. It opens a couple of feet away. Jim

smiles. Miguelito is abashed.

MIGUELITO:

Oh poo! Don't you just hate it?

I mean, people are simply never

standing where they're supposed to

be!

He sighs -- then wildly punches several more buttons.

Trap doors open all over the floor. Jim agilely leaps

from spot to spot. But he can't avoid the inevitable and

finally plunges from view.

As the last trap door snaps shut, Miguelito strides over

smugly; then suddenly shouts at the floor:

MIGUELITO:

You think I'm stupid?!

(to the others)

If he did, I bet he doesn't think

so now! At least I hope he doesn't.

He'd better not!

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

We're in a dungeon-like room set up as a laboratory.

CAMERA PANS to a wall. In a moment, the wall BANGS open --

and Jim rockets out of a chute, skidding on his back

headfirst across the room. The wall SLAMS shut.

Jim slides right under a woman's flowing skirt!

JIM (O.S.)

Dr. Pemberton, I presume.

He pulls his head out and finds a startled Dr. Pemberton

staring down at him.

PEMBERTON:

Why... Mr. West!

Jim quickly gets to his feet. The room is full of

scientific equipment -- a combo lab-prison.

Dr. Pemberton looks like she's been through a lot, face

dirty, clothes torn.

JIM:

Are you all right?

PEMBERTON:

(sighs)

For the moment. But I fear not

for long. I'm of no use to him

now.

Jim tries the bars on the window during:

JIM:

You finished the work on his steam

engine?

She nods sadly, her eyes misting:

PEMBERTON:

They threatened to harm my father...

(sudden anger)

And it's my engine, stolen from my

own patents! He put it in his big

war machine. But of course he'd

installed the valves improperly.

It works perfectly now.

Dr. Pemberton sinks down in a chair, hopelessly.

PEMBERTON:

He... he's planning to kill us,

isn't he?

JIM:

He's just full of plans that aren't

gonna work out.

He looks around and grabs a small, thick-walled metal

cylinder among the lab equipment. He examines it with

interest.

JIM:

This is something.

PEMBERTON:

(not following)

It's a smelting retort.

He unscrews the top of the cylinder, pours out the sandy

contents.

JIM:

Now it's a bomb.

PEMBERTON:

It is?

He pulls a cartridge off his gun belt.

JIM:

All how you look at things.

He works the bullet out of the end of a cartridge and

dumps the gunpowder into the cylinder. He hands her a

few cartridges, indicating she do the same.

JIM:

Just have to get it hot enough,

and take cover. Come on, help me

get the bullets out.

EXT. MIGUELITO'S FACTORY OFFICE - NIGHT

From the top of the stairway outside his office, Miguelito

angrily berates a group of GUARDS assembled below. (We

notice among them one particularly fierce guard -- a bushy-

bearded, eye-patched roughneck.)

MIGUELITO:

... Mr. West strolled right through

your defenses again! I've had to

capture him again! And Mr. Gordon

is undoubtedly lurking about again!

So find him and shoot him here!

(points to his own forehead)

With a big gun!

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

CLOSE ON the metal cylinder we saw Jim start to fill with

gunpowder. It is now capped tight and wired to the bars

on the window. A wad of FLAMING RAGS burns below it,

heating it up!

PAN TO Jim and Dr. Pemberton hiding behind a barricade of

tables and equipment.

EXT. MIGUELITO'S FACTORY OFFICE - JAIL CELL - NIGHT

BOOM! Bars and bricks fly!

INT. MIGUELITO'S FACTORY OFFICE - NIGHT

Miguelito, Cassandra, and Antoinette take cover as plaster

rains from the ceiling, shaken loose by the blast

downstairs. Miguelito slaps on his new pith helmet:

MIGUELITO:

Call it intuition. Something tells

me Mr. West is still with us!

(to Cassandra)

Come, my dear! Destiny calls!

As Miguelito and Cassandra rush out, he calls back:

MIGUELITO:

Mozart, Antoinette! Mozart!

She starts gamely playing the harpsichord.

EXT. MIGUELITO'S FACTORY OFFICE - JAIL CELL - NIGHT

Jim, with Dr. Pemberton in tow, leaps out through the

smoke and dust. They dash around the building --

Only to find their escape blocked by FOUR GUARDS converging

ahead of them, their Winchesters aimed. A tense standoff.

Jim's thinking about drawing when -- CLICK -- a Colt

Peacemaker is suddenly held to his head.

WIDEN TO SEE it's the fierce, eye-patched, bearded guard.

He barks at the other guards:

GUARD:

What the hell's a matter with you

yella-bellies? Orders is to shoot

Gordon. Goes for them, too!

(to Jim and Pemberton)

Git movin'!

He shoves his prisoners, marching them off behind a steam

shovel. Almost immediately we hear TWO GUNSHOTS.

ANGLE - BEHIND THE STEAM SHOVEL

CLOSE ON Jim waiting for the bullet. He looks over,

baffled. The guard is holding the smoking pistol pointed

in the air. He speaks:

ARTEMUS:

Go ahead, make fun of this disguise.

And Artemus pulls off his disguise! Dr. Pemberton is

stunned. Jim is very impressed.

JIM:

No, this one is much better.

Using the steam shovel as cover, the three hurry off into

the darkness.

CUT TO:

EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Jim, Artemus and Dr. Pemberton sneak along in the shadows,

staying low behind stacks of supplies.

JIM:

Artemus, you ready for this? His

next target is Albuquerque.

ARTEMUS:

What? President Grant is...!

JIM:

I know! I know!

ARTEMUS:

I don't have to tell you what that

would do to our careers!

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes