Wild Wild West Page #19

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CASSANDRA:

They don't even realize they should

be frightened.

MIGUELITO:

Well, let's help them with that.

Take the legs.

Cassandra takes over the walking levers. Miguelito moves

to a new set of controls. He stomps a treadle, and an

ornate glass disk rises out of the floor, stopping in

front of his face. It is etched with concentric circles

and range numbers -- a 19th century heads-up aiming

display. He squints through it, then shouts into a

speaking tube:

MIGUELITO:

Forward guns ready!

EXT. TARANTULA - GUNNERY DECK - DAY

At the front of the machine, steam cannon barrels slide

out of ports in the armored lower deck.

EXT. TARANTULA - TOP DECK - BRIDGE - DAY

MIGUELITO:

"Look on my works, ye mighty, and

despair!"

Miguelito merrily yanks the fire controls!

EXT. ALBUQUERQUE - CENTRAL AVENUE - DAY

The first rounds go wide and high, BLASTING a water tower;

throwing up geysers in the Rio Grande. But the townsfolk

get the point.

Bedlam! Screams! Utter chaos!

The next rounds are more accurate -- explosions march

down the street toward the bandstand. Grant and the

dignitaries dive unceremoniously off as the bandstand is

shattered.

Another blast shears a flagpole and the American flag

flying over the courthouse topples in the dust.

Civilians run everywhere. Riderless horses buck wildly.

Soldiers are stunned, paralyzed.

PRESIDENT GRANT:

rises from the dust, glaring off at the monstrous machine.

The old war veteran hears the call to battle. He bellows

at the soldiers:

GRANT:

Soldier, pick up your rifle! You,

get those horses under control!

Man the field pieces! Get the

women and children under cover!

EXT. THE WANDERER - LOCOMOTIVE - DAY

The train thunders along, everybody now in the cab. Dr.

Pemberton leans way out, face sooty, hair flying, shouting

to Doyle:

PEMBERTON:

(re the locomotive)

The cylinders are perfectly

balanced. You're getting no back-

lash even at this speed!

DOYLE:

Dear me, woman, you do know your

engines!

Doyle gazes at her. Fascinating woman.

Jim and Artemus point ahead simultaneously:

JIM:

There it is!

EXT. TARANTULA - DAY

Miguelito's walking war weapon marches along ahead of

them, bearing down on Albuquerque.

CANNON and small-arms fire ECHO from the city as Grant

and the soldiers mount a hopeless defense. Puny explosions

PUFF around the advancing machine like so much harmless

flak.

EXT. TARANTULA - TOP DECK - BRIDGE - DAY

Ignoring the EXPLOSIONS and RICOCHETS, Miguelito hums his

National Anthem as he spins from the fire controls to an

elaborate pedestal-mounted pair of field glasses.

MIGUELITO:

(to Cassandra)

So, my dear, what would you like

to be? Princess? Duchess?

Countess...?

He peers through the glasses at the fleeing citizens.

MIGUELITO:

Yes, run, run. Cower. Hide.

Cringe! Prostrate yourselves

before...

(suddenly)

Wait! There he is! It's Grant!

Commander-and-Chief of the occupying

forces! Stop, stop! I need to

aim carefully!

Cassandra heaves back on the red Master Speed Control

lever, bringing the Tarantula to a swaying stop. Miguelito

springs to his aiming display glass.

EXT. TARANTULA - GUNNERY DECK - DAY

Again the menacing steam cannons slide out into firing

position.

But CAMERA BOOMS DOWN along the powerful legs, continuing

down, down to REVEAL --

The Tarantula is standing right on the railroad tracks!

EXT. THE WANDERER - DAY

Jim, Artemus and Doyle see this. Too good to be true.

Jim looks at Doyle. Doyle knows what he's thinking.

DOYLE:

(with a mad grin)

Would you be thinking... ramming

speed, sir?

JIM:

I would, Mr. Doyle! Are you game?

Doyle nods. Artemus turns to Dr. Pemberton:

ARTEMUS:

Time for you to get off, Ma'am.

PEMBERTON:

Like hell! I'll see it through!

Ram the bastard!

With an admiring double-take at this spirited woman, Doyle

spits a stream of tobacco and throws the throttle wide.

The Wanderer SHOOTS FORWARD!

EXT. TARANTULA - TOP DECK - BRIDGE - DAY

Miguelito sights through his aiming glass.

MIGUELITO:

Adios, Mr. President!

But Cassandra glimpses something to one side.

CASSANDRA:

Miguelito!!

She dives for the leg control levers, yanking them.

EXT. RAILROAD TRACKS - DAY

The Wanderer is seconds from colliding with the Tarantula

when the big machine leans crazily sideways. The two

legs on the tracks lift quickly up. It balances like a

dog taking a pee.

The Wanderer BLASTS past underneath, so close that the

locomotive's smokestack is ripped off as it clips a huge

steel foot.

EXT. TARANTULA - TOP DECK - BRIDGE - DAY

The bridge yaws way over as Cassandra fights to keep the

machine's balance. Miguelito tumbles ungracefully across

the floor and plows headfirst into a chain-mail curtain.

He scrambles up, composes himself, and peers out.

MIGUELITO:

It's West and Gordon! Again! I

would never have given them their

own train!

EXT. THE WANDERER - DAY

Doyle hits the brakes. The train SCREECHES to a stop at

the edge of town.

DOYLE:

Shall I reverse her, sir?

PEMBERTON:

Yes! Let's do it again!

But Artemus is looking back.

ARTEMUS:

No... I'm afraid it's time to

abandon ship.

EXT. TARANTULA - DAY

The agile machine is twisting around, bringing the forward

steam guns to bear on the Wanderer.

The cannons open FIRE!

EXT. THE WANDERER - DAY

The EXPLODING SHELLS literally chew up the train, blowing

apart the parlour car, the sleeping car, the tender.

Doyle grabs Dr. Pemberton. They dive out one side. Jim

and Artemus dive out the other just as --

BLAAAM! The beautiful locomotive takes a direct hit and

is blown sky-high in a massive steam and TNT blast!

ANGLE - JIM AND ARTEMUS

scramble to their feet, staring off angrily at their

trashed ride.

ARTEMUS:

My God! He's so excessive!

JIM:

Where have you been?

A HELLISH NOISE interrupts them. The Tarantula's gunners

have opened up with MOTORIZED GATLING GUNS. At an

unthinkable 3800 shots a minute, they cut a terrifying

swathe toward the duo. It looks like the ground itself

is boiling. Jim and Artemus run like hell and dive into

an arroyo.

After the bulletstorm ROARS over them, they peek up.

THE TARANTULA:

pivots back on course, marching onward.

ANGLE - JIM

looks around desperately. If there's a way to fight that

thing, he'd love to come up with it now.

ANGLE - JIM'S P.O.V. -- THE OBSERVATION BALLOON

sways serenely in the distance.

BACK TO SCENE:

Jim stares at it, an idea hatching.

JIM:

Artemus, come on!

He charges for the balloon! Baffled Artemus gives chase.

ARTEMUS:

I'm with you, Jim! Just tell me

what I'm doing!

EXT. ALBUQUERQUE - CENTRAL AVENUE - CHURCH - DAY

Having nowhere else to run, the townsfolk have taken refuge

inside a church at the end of the street.

Grant and the few soldiers who aren't dead or wounded man

field-guns behind a hastily thrown-together barricade in

front of the a church.

GRANT:

Stand your ground. We'll fire at

point blank range!

A SERGEANT points off.

SERGEANT:

Who the hell is that?

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