Wilson Page #2

93 years old. I'm literally

counting the seconds.

Well, I just...

I don't have any family left.

And I've known you...

since we were, what,

nine years old? Ten?

I don't have a single

person who shares

my same memories, you know?

Lucky you.

(SIGHS)

You know...

people always said that

you were kind of "difficult,"

but I don't know,

I guess that...

Who said that?

F***ing Ted Kuby?

No. No, no.

I think that...

I need to change my life

a little bit. Just...

you know, meet some

new people and...

shake things up a...

Ugh...

Excuse me.

I'm thinking to...

try dating again

a little bit, you know?

Yeah, I gave up on

women a long time ago.

You bust your f***ing ass...

and what do you get?

Empty f***ing bank account?

Getting bitched at all the time?

It's a f***ing fool's errand!

You know, Olsen,

I was thinking that maybe

we could be friends again.

But I guess...

I sort of forgot...

what a toxic soul-draining

vampire you really are.

And by the way, those

grapes have turned.

(HORNS HONKING)

MAN:
Pull over, dumb-ass!

It's my dad's car!

WOMAN:
Nice driving, a**hole!

Everybody's in a hurry.

Hey, could you

hand me that chicken?

Oh, sure. Here.

Hold this.

Okay.

(SQUEAKING)

Okay.

Twelve dollars?

Oh, my God.

Are you f***ing serious?

That's twelve dollars?

Oh, I know.

It is a total racket.

They know that pet

owners are all damaged

and neurotic and we will...

happily throw our money

at the most nonsensical

crap just to...

buy a little affection.

Yeah. Yeah, no sh*t.

No sh*t.

(CLATTERS)

(SOFTLY) Oh, sh*t.

(ENGINE STARTING)

What the f***?

I am so, so, so sorry.

My, uh...

I'm just not used to this car.

It's actually okay.

It's fine.

Well, it looks like

you have maybe a crack

or a crease or a dent.

That was already there.

Why don't we exchange

information?

Just in case...

You know.

It looked like

he did it on purpose.

It's fine, okay?

It's fine. Thank you.

But excuse me!

Before you go, um...

(CHUCKLES) ls there any

chance that we could, uh...

maybe go out sometime?

I felt like we had a spark

or something back there.

Why does every f***ing psycho

always pick on me, man?

What the f***

did I ever do wrong?

Get away from my car.

(ENGINE STARTS)

I'm not a psycho, lady.

What the heck

crawled up her ass?

Yeah, no kidding.

I'd be pretty stoked

if some random guy

tapped my car just to

get into my pants.

MAN:
My, my, my,

my, my, my, my, my, my

My angel lover

My, my, my, my, my, my, my

My angel lover

Oh, Christ, I haven't

done this in a long time.

Me, neither. I don't get

asked out on too many dates.

Oh, men can be cruel.

Looks aren't all that

important to me.

Whoa. That's good.

Wow, this place has got

1,748 reviews on Yelp.

And what the hell

does that even mean?

(WILSON LAUGHS)

Yelp.

Aren't you a little old

to be doing all that

computer stuff?

(LAUGHS)

I'm totally addicted.

You know, it just feels

so undignified to me.

I mean, in the end

you're just sitting

all alone staring at a screen.

It's just so sad.

I would be a lot

lonelier without it,

that's for sure.

Have you ever

been married? Kids?

No.

I lived with this guy

for six years once,

but then one day

he just says, "Guess what!"

"I'm a big homo...

"and I find all women

totally disgusting."

Jeez. You know, my wife

left me 17 years ago.

Walked out, got an abortion.

Moved to L.A. No explanation.

Nothing.

My one chance at a family, poof.

Yeah, everything was fine

all that time

until he just up and says...

"I'm into dudes," you know?

I'm done with her.

I just need to move on,

find somebody new.

Not you necessarily, but...

Did you ever do

a People-finder search,

or even just Google?

Well, my friend

tried it once, but nothing.

Forget it, I'm done.

I'll find her.

What's her name?

(CHUCKLES)

Pippi. My Ex? Uh...

Pippi.

Pippi what?

Pippi Carmichael.

But like I said,

you won't find a...

Here's

a Polly Carmichael-Wiggins.

Wait. Are you serious?

Uh, yeah.

That's her sister.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, she's all over here.

She's got a big presence.

Really? So...

Oh, yikes! That's...

Yeah, that's her.

Yeah, she's right over

there in Silverdale.

So...

after six years, this

guy's all, "I love you,

"but I just don't see

a future for us."

And I'm like, "I get it, dude.

You're into penis.

"So am I. But...

"couldn't you have

just told me that

"before I let myself

go all to sh*t?"

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

WILSON:
Recognize this voice?

Because I recognize yours.

No.

No.

Uh-uh.

Nope.

No, see it's Wilson!

(SIGHS)

Jesus Christ, Polly, spare me

the history lesson, okay?

I'm just...

calling to find out

if there's any news from Pippi.

Hmm.

Got to be around here somewhere.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Watch your door.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir?

Just a second.

Watch the door.

Quick question:

Can you tell me where

a guy could find some

p*ssy in this town?

Oh, you're looking

for a strip club, huh?

Uh... Well, no,

that's for suckers.

I'm looking for the kind

you can actually f***.

Looking for a hooker?

That's it, exactly.

I'm looking

for my ex-wife.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey. How you doing?

Oh, good.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

What's going on?

Okay.

Have you ever seen this woman?

Now, this is

an old picture, so she...

probably looks much,

much worse now.

Bruises from the drug use

and beatings.

Frizzy coke hair.

Waxy skin.

You, of all people,

know the drill.

Her name's Pippi,

but I'm sure she's got some...

florid nom de guerre now

like, uh...

"Klimaxx" or something.

I don't know no Klimaxx.

According to her sister,

she recently located

back here from L.A.

I'm sorry, I don't know her.

Okay. Well, in that case,

I guess I'll...

take a blowj*b then.

All right.

Ooh.

I should've brought my wallet.

WILSON:
Belinda, do you

know where Pippi is?

BELINDA:
Stay the f***

away from us.

We don't want nothing to do

with that crazy b*tch.

Don't talk to him.

Look. It's torture for me

to see you guys, too...

especially hatch

hatchet-face over here...

but I need to know

if you've seen Pippi.

She's working at some

restaurant by the lake.

That's all we know.

Now please...

f*** off.

A restaurant?

What restaurant?

F*** off!

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, we close

at 9:
00 tonight. Sorry.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I just wanted to ask...

Do you have a Pippi

working here?

Like Pippi Longstocking?

Oh...

You don't ever want

to call her that.

Her sister says that

she's fallen on hard times.

You know, drugs, prostitution,

who knows what else.

I guess she's trying to get her

sh*t back together, but...

I blame her father.

Rich Republican prick.

But that's a pretty good way

to get back at him, I suppose.

"Hey, I'm blowing strangers

for drug money, Daddy.

"What do you

think of me now?"

This looks

like Lynne. Lynne!

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Two Pinot Noir, please!

I don't get the Lynne thing.

Why "Lynne"?

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