Wilson Page #5

And it's a great chance

for your daughter

to see who you are.

She's not

our real daughter, man.

I know. I know, Pippi.

I mean, she's never

gonna live with us.

But she's always

gonna be a part of us.

I don't want to live

in a fantasy world.

Yeah, well...

how's reality

working out for you?

You know, the wife

is not a big dog person.

What are you gonna do?

How could anyone not love you?

I bet you can't take

two steps on the sidewalk

without someone

wanting to pet you.

Oh, it is kind of disturbing actually.

It's like...

"Hello there, up here!

I'm an actual human being.

"I can do math and...

"drive a car and cook

food and do tiddlywinks...

"and masturbate."

(LAUGHING)

I didn't know you were married.

Oh, yeah. Wife, kids,

the whole shebang.

Nice.

Claire, your folks

are okay with you coming?

I just told them it was

a weekend trip with Hannah.

They don't give a sh*t.

They're just thrilled

I have a f***ing friend.

Okay...

this is a family outing.

Let's try to keep it PG-13.

That's just how I talk.

Okay, well, in that case...

Swear all the f*** you want!

(WILSON LAUGHING)

You're f***ing crazy.

Let's face it,

this is pretty great.

Look, even Pippi's happy!

(LAUGHING)

Why not, right? F***!

I spent my whole life

feeling like sh*t

about myself, you know?

Never enjoyed a goddamn thing.

F*** that, right?

Yeah, f*** that completely.

F*** it!

Yes!

(SIGHS)

WOMAN:
(SINGING ON RADIO)

Here's my number

So call me maybe

And all the other boys

Try to chase me

That killed the mood.

Killed it. Stop.

WILSON:
That's terrible.

Turn it off. Turn it off!

Oh, God!

What obnoxious drivel.

Hey, I just met you

And this is crazy

But here's my num...

Oh, God.

Oh, come on, chin up.

This is gonna be fun.

F***, we're so late.

Stop.

Oh, honey!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Will! Remember me?

Of course. Wilson.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, you guys...

Yeah, this is, uh...

Polly and Will.

And this is your niece, Claire.

Oh, Claire,

it's great to meet you.

Come in. Please.

Wow.

Mmm-mmm.

Sorry.

WILSON:
Hey, Polly...

you look great.

Thank you.

I don't mean that

in a salacious way at all.

I just think you look great.

Thanks.

Don't you think she looks...

You do, too, Will!

Thanks.

(WHISPERS)

What's the boy's name?

Cooper.

Cooper!

The last time I saw you...

you were two or three years old.

You were trying to get your mom

to pick up some Legos and...

you were literally

just freaking out!

And at the time

I thought that you guys

were terrible parents...

but I didn't get it

like I do now.

I used to be way over

on the nurture side

of the nature/nurture debate...

but not anymore.

I mean, look at her.

Look! The way

she holds her fork

is exactly like Pippi.

And just

a million things, like...

she has my mom's

little half-smile.

And then she has Pippi's

sarcastic laugh and...

my temper. I mean,

DNA, it's just...

it's truly unbelievable.

Coop's heading

to Duke in the fall.

(CHUCKLING)

It's hard to believe.

(POLLY CHUCKLES)

Coops!

(CLEARS THROAT)

And Jenny's already halfway

through law school.

Oh, Christ, I forgot

you had another one.

I totally forgot.

So is she my cousin?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)

Oh, brilliant, Watson!

Definite college material.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you gonna major

in, brain surgery?

(LAUGHING)

So, Claire, have you been

thinking about school yet?

F***, no.

(LAUGHS)

You see?

Now, that is pure Wilson.

Here's to you, Claire.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)

And to you, Coop!

Coop!

Why Golf Matters.

I feel like I'm doing fieldwork

among the natives or something.

We shouldn't have come here.

What?

Mmm-mmm.

She'll always find a way to win.

What are you talking about?

Look at us, Wilson!

We're something

out of a horror movie!

We're all pasty and bald

and bitter and...

lonely and...

(G ROANS)

Hey... they're all fancy and...

I would rather have our daughter

than that creepy little kid

any day of the week.

It's not really our daughter!

Stop it, Pippi!

(WHISPERS)

Stop it! Stop it!

Pippi, we're here on vacation.

I can't.

(SHUSHING)

Let's just try to have fun.

You know?

Yeah.

CLAIRE:
How come

you're so quiet?

(WILSON CHUCKLES)

Oh, Well, I...

Some of my best times

with my mom were spent, um...

not saying a word, just...

just sitting together

in the same room...

feeling...

the connection.

Like a chemical thing.

You know, I always

used to try to imagine

what you were like.

My "real dad."

(WILSON CHUCKLES)

Well, I hope you're not

too disappointed.

Nah.

You're cool.

(PIPPI GROANS)

They went for a walk.

Oh.

Oh, God.

(GROANING)

Oh.

Thanks.

Aw, Pippi.

I was afraid

I'd never see you again.

Yeah.

I want you to know

that I fully understand

why you didn't

come to Dad's funeral.

And I also know that things were

tougher for you after I left.

(CHUCKLING) Oh?

Yeah?

Maybe they were a little

bit tougher for me?

Yeah.

So, it's good to see

you wanting a family.

That says a lot to me.

And I know that I've said

some negative things

about Wilson in the past, but...

(SIGHS)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

So, what are Claire's

real parents like?

Are they okay?

Amazing.

Mmm.

Super rich.

Mmm-hmm.

Super well-educated.

Yeah, they got

a big house. Like...

way bigger than this place.

That's great.

Mmm-hmm.

And how did Claire's

parents feel about

you and Wilson making

contact like that?

Or was that their idea?

They must really trust you

to let her stay here

for the weekend.

Yup.

I mean... (SIGHS)

Do they know about your...

troubles?

They're really cool with me.

Mmm-hmm.

Do Claire's parents even

know where she is, Pippi?

Oh, my God, Polly!

Ugh! Look at you!

You're still just playing

Little Miss Perfect.

Kissing Dad's ass,

staying all quiet

while I spoke up

for the both of us...

and I'm the low-life

scumbag?

I knew I shouldn't

have come back here.

I heard Claire on the

phone this morning.

She told her mom

she was staying at

a beach house

with her friend Hannah.

You're a f***ing c*nt!

(SHRIEKING)

(GRUNTS)

When you're a kid,

you have all this future.

This potential.

But when you get to be my age,

you kind of look at things

in a different way.

You're kind of living

more in the moment.

Things like this lake

and the ducks...

Sh*t like this

becomes so damn huge.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Ow!

F*** you!

Get away from me, Pippi!

Oh, oh, oh!

Stop it! Pippi!

I'm getting f***ing

tired of this bullshit!

No, Pippi! (GROANS)

(SHOUTING)

(FROG CROAKING)

Oh, oh, oh! Look.

Oh. Ooh.

(CROAKING CONTINUES)

A little woodland creature.

You know, they haven't

changed at all

since the time of the dinosaurs.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you're so cute.

Ooh, what's your name?

What did the frog

say to the fly?

(LAUGHING)

That's right.

(CHUCKLING)

Big drinkers, though.

Big, huge drinkers.

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

POLLY:
There he is!

Come here.

What?

Get over here.

(STAMMERS) What's going on?

Guys? No, I didn't

do anything!

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