Wilson Page #4

Pippi, is that all that you took

from this experience?

Well, we just totally

ambushed her!

I thought we were

just gonna hide out.

I can honestly say...

I have never seen

anything more beautiful...

than the look on your face...

when you first saw her.

You were...

glowing-

I guess it was good

we got to see her, right?

I feel like maybe

I can stop worrying.

And I'll let her go.

Thanks.

WILSON:
I think

you're right, Pippi.

She certainly doesn't need

any help from us.

It's like she has

that miserable,

anguished look...

like you had

when I first met you.

Of course, you turned out okay.

In the long run.

Oh, Pippi.

Oh, Pippi!

(SOBBING)

(HORN HONKING)

Hi, there.

(SNIFFLES)

What do you want?

Well, I just didn't feel like

we got closure to our, uh...

you know,

little introduction, and I...

I can't believe I just used

the word "closure," but...

Why the f*** is everyone

up my butt today?

Up your...? No.

What the hell's wrong?

Hey, come on, hop in.

I'll give you a ride.

No, thanks.

I'll get the bus.

No, no, I'll give you a ride.

Claire! I can't stand

to see you like this. Please.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

(WILSON EXHALES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

How about I take you

for ice cream?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Yeah, let's get the fat

girl some ice cream.

Hey, not everybody's

out to get you, Claire.

Well, that's what it

f***ing feels like!

Is it those jerks from the mall?

Because I'll kick the

sh*t out of them.

It's everybody.

Okay, I'll kick the sh*t

out of everybody then.

It is a given

that every decent person

who ever lived got sh*t

on in high school.

I'm sure they picked on

Copernicus, for f*** sake.

It's a badge of honor.

However...

that does not mean

that you have to sit back

and get reamed for four years.

So is there

one particular a**hole?

Yeah.

Monika the b*tch.

Monika?

Monika.

Now, is there like a creepy

teacher or janitor or...?

Mr. Naisbitt.

Ah, okay.

"Monika, Monika, you blow

"Mr. Naisbitt

like a harmonica."

You see how that rhymed?

That's just a bonus.

No, "you blow Mr.

Naisbitt's Syphilitic Dong

"like a harmonica."

Eaugh! Too far.

Yeah.

You passed my house.

How could you tell?

No, the Cassidays seem

like wonderful people.

I was thinking

I should arrange a meeting

so we can all be

on the same page together.

That's a horrible idea.

I bet...

your mom does some fancy

cooking in here, huh?

We never use any of this sh*t.

My mom can't even

work the stove.

Well...

They took in an innocent baby

and raised it as their own.

Folks like that

are the heroes of this world.

(SARCASTICALLY)

Mmm.

Yeah, they could spend

a little more time with you.

Yeah.

I mean, I could do without

all the over-compensatory

display of class privileges...

but...

I mean, Christ, what

kind of example is that?

It's like they're laughing

at the next generation.

(MOCKING LAUGHTER)

"We used up all your resources.

F*** you."

I always wondered

how I got like this.

No. No. I'm not

doing that, Wilson.

Come on, it'll be fun.

I haven't been there

since I was a kid.

Wilson! You know I'm not

talking about that.

Look.

For better or worse, Pippi,

we have totally

freaked this girl out.

Yeah.

And it is our duty

to make sure that

she doesn't have

some major meltdown.

You know? I mean,

can you imagine

what she's going through?

No! No f***ing way. Of course I can't.

Can you?

She's a sweet kid

with two crazy people

stalking her.

We're not stalking her.

Wilson.

And how many times

do I have to tell you

what I'm going through, huh?

I am barely making it

through each day.

And you're expecting this

huge emotional commitment...

while you're dragging me along

for this insane

f***ing insta-family?

Pippi, it is that commitment...

that is exactly what you need

to help you move forward.

Trust me, I know.

(GROANING)

You're an a**hole!

Goddamn it!

What is in there?

Pippi?

Goddamn it!

Calm yourself.

F***!

This is why I left you

in the first place.

You think you know it all.

You don't!

You don't know sh*t about sh*t!

Are you done?

WILSON:
Wow! So cool!

You must have been here

a million times, huh?

Nope.

My mom's scared of poor people.

Perfect!

It's all ours then.

Thank you. Whoo!

This used to seem

so huge when I was a kid.

Hey, you guys ready

to take it for a spin?

You're embarrassing her.

This is a little kid ride.

I'm not embarrassed.

Come on, Pippi,

you don't have to be

such a lump

on a log. Hop in.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON PA)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

You guys are so beautiful.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Ugh.

They're watching us.

Stop it, deer.

(CHUCKLES)

Any kids?

Yeah.

How old?

They're six and fifteen.

Why?

Oh, nothing. I just have

a 17-year-old daughter.

She's quite a handful.

(SIGHS)

She's going through a

rough patch with her mom.

You know how they

are at this age.

My oldest is going through

the same thing. (SCOFFS)

You have to remember that

they're just kids, you know?

They still need to know

you love them...

as hard as that

may be sometimes.

Yeah.

You know, that's...

Thank you.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

You're a wise man.

Nice cock, by the way.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Pippi?

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey!

(ALL SCREAMING)

WILSON:
Hey, hey.

(LAUGHS)

They grow up so fast.

F*** you!

What a day!

Can you imagine...

how much bird feces

is in this park?

What time is it?

Well...

Don't you have your phone?

Are you kidding me?

That's unbelievable.

This thing has been right

on time for like two weeks.

Sh*t.

Anyway, time is like,

you know...

Here and now is where we're at.

Claire?

Hey, Dad.

(PIPPI SHUSHING)

Oh.

Sorry.

Okay!

Okay, bye.

Bye! Bye! (G ROANS)

You know, I heard

you call him "Dad"

and I wonder if he realizes

how lucky he really is.

I better go.

Okay

Okay, well, hey,

let me give you a hug.

I really have enjoyed this time.

Next time we'll do

something fun like maybe...

get a pogo stick

or something, or...

Frisbee.

Frisbee'd be easier probably.

See ya.

Bye!

Watch out for the bird sh*t!

(DOG BARKS)

Hey, hey, Pepper.

Cut it out.

PIPPI:
I think she's

disappointed in me.

No, it's just she's

all desperate and needy.

She can tell when someone

doesn't love her.

Not the dog, stupid.

Who, Claire?

You're nuts.

Did you see the way

she was looking at you?

Really?

(SCOFFS)

Magical.

Oh, Christ.

F***ing Polly, man.

Why can't she leave me alone?

Delete.

Bullshit.

(CHUCKLING)

What?

(LAUGHING)

What?

I just had

this thought of like...

What if I showed up

with you and Claire?

I was at her front door

and we're all like,

"This is my family, b*tch."

(LAUGHING) I'd love

to see her face!

Right? Yes!

No, no, don't laugh.

We have to do that.

I am not going to her stupid

suburban shithole life.

But there's nothing

nuts about that.

Look, look, just...

all of the sh*t that

you've been through...

and you've come out

the other side

better than she'll ever be.

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