Wit Page #3

One thing that can be said...

for an eight-month course

of cancer treatment:

lt is highly educational.

l am learning to suffer.

Yes, it is mildly uncomfortable

to have an electrocardiogram, but...

the agony of a colonoscopy

sweeps it from memory.

Yes, it was embarrassing

to have to wear a nightgown all day long.

Two nightgowns.

But that seemed like a positive privilege

compared to watching myself go bald.

Yes, having a former student

give me a pelvic exam...

was thoroughly...

degrading.

And l use the term deliberately.

But...

l could not have imagined

the depths of humiliation....

Oh, God.

Please....

Steady.

Steady.

Oh, God.

What's left?

l haven't eaten in two days.

What's left to puke?

You may remark that my vocabulary

has taken a turn for the Anglo-Saxon.

God, l'm gonna barf my brains out.

lf l did actually barf my brains out...

it would be a great loss to my discipline.

Of course, many of my colleagues

would be relieved...

to say nothing of my students.

lt's not that l'm controversial.

Just uncompromising.

False alarm.

lf the word went around that

Vivian Bearing had barfed her brains out...

first my colleagues,

most of whom are my former students...

would scramble madly for my position.

And then their consciences would flare up.

So to honor my memory,

they'd put together a collection...

of their essays about John Donne.

The volume would begin

with a warm introduction...

capturing my most endearing qualities.

lt would be short but sweet.

Published and perished.

Now, watch this.

l have to ring the bell.

How you doing, Miss Bearing?

You having some nausea?

-Yes.

-Okay, l'll be with you in a second.

Someone has to come and

measure this emesis...

and record it on a chart

of my intake and output.

This counts as output.

lt's about 300 ccs.

ls that all?

lt was very hard work.

Yeah, it's 300.

Good guess.

Okay.

There anything else l can get you?

You want some Jello or something?

Thank you, no.

-Are you okay all by yourself in here?

-Yes.

Not having a lot of visitors, are you?

None...

to be precise.

l didn't think so.

ls there somebody you want me

to call, or something?

That won't be necessary.

l don't want visitors.

Okay.

l'll tell you what.

l'll come in every once in a while

to see how you're doing.

Make sure you're okay.

lf you need anything, you just ring.

Thank you.

Okay.

You just call.

Do not forget...

that you are seeing

the most interesting aspects...

of my tenure as an in-patient

receiving experimental chemotherapy...

for advanced metastatic ovarian cancer.

But as l am a scholar l feel obliged...

to document what it is like here

most of the time...

between the dramatic climaxes.

ln truth, it is like this.:

You cannot imagine...

how time can be so still.

lt hangs.

lt weighs.

And yet there is so little of it.

lt goes so slowly.

And yet it is so scarce.

lf l were writing this scene

it would last a full 15 minutes.

l would lie here and you would sit there.

Not to worry:

''Brevity is the soul of wit.''

But...

if you think eight months of cancer

treatment is tedious for all of you...

consider how it feels to play my part.

All right.

Let's say it's Friday morning.

''Grand rounds'' is what they call it.

Action!

-Dr. Bearing.

-Dr. Kelekian.

How are you feeling today?

-Fine.

-Great, just great.

Very late detection,

stage is four upon admission.

Hexamethophosphacil

with Vinplatin to potentiate.

Hex at 300 milligrams per meter squared,

Vin at 100.

Today is cycle four, day three.

All cycles are at the full dose.

Primary site is here, behind the left ovary.

Metastases are suspected

in the peritoneal cavity...

mainly in this area here.

Full lymphatic involvement.

At the time of first-look surgery...

a large part of the tumor was de-bulked...

mainly in this area here.

Left and right ovaries...

fallopian tubes, uterus, all out.

Evidence of primary-site shrinkage.

Shrinking in metastases

has not been documented.

Primary mass frankly palpable,

in pelvic exam...

all through here.

Excellent command of details. Okay.

Problem areas with Hex and Vin?

-Myelosuppression--

-Myelosuppression...

lowering blood-cell counts.

With this combination of agents,

nephrotoxicity will be next.

Anybody else?

Side effects?

Nausea, vomiting.

-Jason?

-Routine.

-Pain while urinating.

-Routine.

-Psychological depression?

-No way.

Anything else?

Other complaints with Hex and Vin?

Come on.

-Mouth sores?

-Not yet.

-Skin rash?

-No.

Why do we waste our time, Dr. Bearing?

l do not know, Dr. Kelekian.

Use your eyes.

Good grief.

Hair loss.

Come on! You can see that!

Jason?

Hair loss after first cycle of treatment.

That's better. Dr. Bearing.

Full dose?

Good, excellent. Keep pushing the fluids.

-Jason, clinical.

-Right.

Thank you, Prof. Bearing,

you've been very cooperative.

Wasn't that grand?

Full of subservience, hierarchies.

Gratuitous displays, sublimated rivalries.

l feel completely at home,

it is just like a graduate seminar.

With one important difference:

ln grand rounds they read me like a book.

Once l did the teaching...

now l am taught.

This is much easier,

l just hold still and look cancerous.

Jason was impressive, wasn't he?

l taught him, you know.

Nephrotoxicity,

kidney poisoning, myelosuppression.

They are medical terms.

l looked them up. lt has always been

my custom to treat words with respect.

l can recall the time...

the very hour...

of the very day...

when l knew words

would be my life's work.

l like that one best.

Read another.

l think l'll read...

The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies.

lt has little bunnies on the front.

''The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies...

''by Beatix Potter.''

''lt is said that the effect...

''of eating too much lettuce...

''is....''

What is this word?

Say it in bits.

''So-por-i-fic.''

What does that mean?

Soporific? Causing sleep.

-Causing sleep.

-Makes you sleepy.

-''So-por-fic'' means ''makes you sleepy.''

-That's right.

Now, use it in a sentence.

What has a soporific effect on you?

What has a soporific effect on me?

What makes you sleepy?

Nothing.

That's right.

What about you?

What has a soporific effect on me?

Let me think.

Boring conversation,

l suppose, after dinner.

Me too. Boring conversation.

Good, excellent. Carry on.

''lt is said that the effect

of eating too much lettuce...

''is soporific.''

The bunnies in the picture are sleeping.

They're sleeping like you said,

because of sop-or-fic.

The illustration bore out

the meaning of the word...

just as he had explained it.

At the time it seemed like magic.

So...

imagine the effect the words

of John Donne first had on me.

Ratiocination, concatenation.

Coruscation. Tergiversation.

Medical terms are less evocative.

Still...

l want to know what the doctors mean

when they anatomize me.

My only defense is

the acquisition of vocabulary.

-Fever and neutropenia.

-Okay, when did it start?

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