Without a Paddle Page #3

- What, are you gonna melt?

No, but this water is teeming

with microbes.

They don't bring losers

to the swag pot!

So this is Spirit River.

We take that to Widowmaker Bend.

And then we hike

the Devil's Staircase,

and that should lead us

to the top of Hellfire Ridge.

What's with all these satanic names?

Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?

No, but there's

a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.

Okay, just keep your eyes open

- for our first day's marker.

- What's that?

It's a rock formation called

Grandpa's Nose.

Grandpa's Nose.

Looking for Grandpa's Nose.

I think I see it! It's right there.

Good work, Dan.

Prepare to port.

I'm gonna drink some beer!

I predict you'll be puking in that river

before the end of the night, Tom.

Dry timber...

Hi there, coalminer's daughter.

You want a hand?

Or you can always try these fancy

new things called "matches. "

I saw how to do this on

the Discovery Channel.

Okay? And I'm gonna do it.

I got it covered.

Oxygen in there...

Get that right combination...

Stop, drop and roll!

Why would you do that?!

I'm with my face right next to the...

And you blow...

- Why would you do that?!

- It's warm.

It's a nice fire.

Hey.

We did it.

I told you.

Do you really wanna hurt me?

Do you really wanna hear this crap?

Please. You liked this song

just as much as I did.

When we were kids,

it didn't matter what the song was.

We weren't wrapped up

in what was cool and uncool.

We just listened to the music.

It should be like that now.

Just listen to the song, man.

This song is so uncool.

- Well, I like it. It soothes me.

- Dan, what is wrong with you?

I'm blessed with good taste.

One day, you'll see,

I've always been correct.

Don't get cocky, 30-year-old Dr. Mott,

with 46 years of school under his belt.

Excuse me for getting an MD

and starting a successful practice.

Excuse me. I found a way to make 12

grand a month without having an MD.

Really? How do you do that?

You running immigrants

over the border again, coyote?

Those guys fell asleep in my truck.

I thought I'd just gotten shitfaced

and bought a bunch of sombreros.

I didn't know there were dudes

underneath.

For real, though?

Selling Harleys.

It's the greatest gig on the planet.

Congrats. I'm happy for you.

Seriously, though,

you guys both sound

- like you're doing great.

- Aren't you?

I just don't know if I'm cut out for

the whole family-wife-kids thing.

I would kill to have a woman at home

willing to have sex with me every night.

At work, I just sit in my office

and I think,

"There's gotta be something better

out there. " You know what I mean?

- I thought you liked your job.

- I like to surf.

Sitting out in the water.

Waiting for that perfect wave.

And I also like being out here.

I like this, right now.

The first time in months,

no worries, no responsibilities.

Just living in the moment.

Just like Billy did.

Hey.

Here's to Billy.

- To our dead friend.

- Get them up.

Tom...

Dano, whatever happened between

you and Cockeyed Katie, anyway?

You know, I don't appreciate the

name-calling. Katie was very attractive.

It was a mutual separation.

Yeah, between her eyes.

That girl had not one,

but two wandering eyes.

It was like her eyes were trying

to escape from her head.

You know, Tom, I'm sorry she wasn't

up to your high standard of women.

No tattoos below the waist,

never worked as a carny.

Name one girlfriend of mine

who worked as a carny.

Jo Jo, the one who had

her downstairs pierced.

Oh, Jo Jo. That's one.

How do you know what she did

with her downstairs?

She had that website:

- JoJosDownstairs.com.

- That was a good one.

Hey, Dano, let's see what

you packed us for dinner.

- What is this, astronaut food?

- No. It's a vitamin gel pack.

It tastes like watermelon. It's very filling

and it preserves well for camping.

I'm not an astronaut.

I'm an American.

And there's fresh salmon

in that river for the taking.

What?

I'm eating salmon tonight.

That's great, except

we didn't bring any fishing gear.

Don't need any.

- We'll shine them.

- That would kill a fish.

Shine the fish, old Cherokee trick.

I forgot the Cherokee had been using

the flashlight for thousands of years.

No, didn't they pioneer the D battery?

All right, suckers.

Let's see who's eating salmon tonight

and who's eating crow.

- Do you have a crow-catching trick?

- Yuk it up, astronauts.

They love figure eights.

Hey, 100 grand

and my left nut says

the only thing you catch

out there is a cold.

Got it! Grab it!

What are you doing?!

- Fantastic.

- Can you do that again?

You owe me 100 grand

and the left nut.

Are you gonna catch it

when I throw it up?

- Yeah, yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, come on!

I'm gonna have to use a distinct pattern

now. They got used to the figure eight.

It's gonna be tough, but I'll focus.

What the hell are you doing?

I toss it, you grab it.

That's your part of the deal.

What?

- What are you doing?

- I'm taking off my shoes.

- Why?

- Because I run faster with no shoes.

- You can't outrun that bear.

- I don't have to outrun the bear.

I just have to outrun you.

Stay calm.

It's important that you don't

let them smell your fear.

- Just follow my lead.

- What are you gonna do?

It's a bear! We're all gonna die!

Run!

Keep going!

Get out!

- Go away! Go!

- Get out!

- Stay calm. Get in the fetal position.

- Oh, God.

It won't bother you

if you're in the fetal position.

- Nothing's gonna happen now.

- Is he gone? Is he gone?

Abort the fetal position!

It's not working!

- It's not working!

- Run!

No...

The bear thinks Dan's her cub.

What do we do now?

Stay... Stay down.

Don't make eye contact.

- Help me!

- Let's go.

This is bad. This is really bad.

Do something.

- Go first.

- No, you go first.

Hey. Where's the bear?

He's trying to fatten Dan up

so they can hibernate together.

Chew it up and eat it.

Eat it.

- Stop pretending.

- Dan, you have to eat it.

You have to actually eat it.

- Okay.

- Bite.

Eat it.

It's delicious. Very good, thank you.

Is there another one?

That was good. That was real good.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

- Move, move, move.

- Up the tree.

- Your mom misses you.

- She's in my stuff.

Hey, that's my phone.

She ate my phone.

How long do you think

she'll keep looking for me?

Hour, hour and a half, tops.

Bears have very short attention spans.

I know a guy who trains them.

What was that?

I don't know, but it scared away

our friend. Let's get out of here.

What do you think could happen

if this thing went off right in the boat?

- You think we'd die?

- I think you throw it right now.

What if I toss it to you

and then you throw it?

Elwood, throw it!

- Cue the insane hillbillies.

- What are these freaks doing?

They're fishing.

Why aren't they using

their flashlights, Tom?

This is exactly what you hear about

when people go into the deep woods

in the middle of summertime.

Aside from getting all sorts

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