Without a Paddle Page #4

of diseases and things,

they just wind up being the victims

of some kind of

unexpected man-rape.

How you like me now, boy?

- I don't like this...

- Quiet. Go, go.

She ate everything.

Including my very expensive

cell phone.

All right, let's load up.

There's treasure in them hills.

Wait a minute, you're not actually

considering continuing, are you?

- Why not?

- Well, because I just...

I got carried away by a bear. And then

we spent the night sleeping in a tree.

Well, we got that out of the way.

Now we can get back on the river.

There comes a time

in every cub's life

when he needs to strike out

and make it on his own.

Fine.

Fine. But I say we avoid them and we

launch around the bend there, okay?

All right, all right. Heave-ho.

They call this portage. Or portage.

- What's the map say, Jerry?

- You know, it's a map.

It's gonna be... It's gonna be good.

Jer, isn't the river supposed to fork?

No. It just goes straight

the whole way. Straight shot.

Are you sure?

We are back in business, boys.

All right. Let's rudder back.

Bring the tail out.

- It's getting kind of rough, Tom.

- Not bad, I've been in much worse.

Really?

Not a good time to read a map, Jer.

Guys, I wanna pull over. I need

to take some Dramamine...

I got the stern. Work the bow,

work the bow, Jer.

Guys, let's pull over.

This is exactly what you'd expect.

We're doing great.

Tom, guide us to the bank.

- Watch the current.

- Trees! Trees left!

No problem.

That's typical river behavior.

Rocks! Rocks! Keep rowing!

I'm not having the fun

you promised me!

Just keep rowing!

- Follow my lead!

- Terrible!

Same stroke, same stroke!

- Tom?

- Yes?

- It's getting big.

- No problem.

Like, real big.

- I'm in over my head!

- What?!

- Don't tell me that!

- I'm in over my head!

Please don't tell me that!

Forward! No, backstroke,

backstroke!

Come on!

Dano!

Tom!

Help!

Jerry! Help!

- Dan! I'm coming!

- Can you see me?

- Dan!

- Jerry!

- Dano!

- Throw it! Jer!

Catch the rope!

I got you!

- Dan, come on, baby, I got you.

- Hypothermia!

- I'm gonna get hypothermia!

- Come on!

You all right? Hold on.

- Tom! Tommy!

- Tom!

In here, boys!

We made it!

That's how you go down the rapids!

- Better get in.

- Get up.

- I about sh*t. Did you about sh*t?

- I about sh*t.

- I did sh*t.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, sh*t? What "oh, sh*t"?

- What? What, what?

- Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, sh*t!

I don't believe this, man.

Tom...

- Where were you a river guide?

- San Dimas.

- Raging Waters?

- Yeah.

They had some serious

rapids there, man.

- What, class "toddler"?

- Hey, I was employee of the month

at the Monsoon Lagoon.

- I knew you were lying.

- Great.

- Oh, you did?

- I knew it.

Well, you're the reason

that we had to launch the boat

in the wrong part of the river.

Hey, I am not

the navigator-map guy.

Okay, Jerry, didn't you see

on the map that the river split?

I would've, if your friend,

the big-ass bear, didn't eat the map.

Hold on a sec. Tom?

Were you really

employee of the month?

No. I lied about that too.

I must have been crazy. I...

All right. This trip is officially over.

This is finished! Let's...

- Let's just go home.

- I agree. That's a great decision.

All we gotta do is jump up over

that 100-foot waterfall,

swim upstream 20 miles,

get the sheriff on the phone...

He liked us, I remember. And he'll

send out a rescue boat. And...

Hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.

Look at this, it's cold.

We are in serious trouble, my friends.

All data points to us being...

How do you humans say it?

Completely screwed?

Yeah. You know, that is...

That's a good way to say it.

I mean, it pretty much sums it up.

I suspect Tom is drunk.

I didn't wanna say anything,

- because he's such a live wire...

- You guys, we're fine.

We got the compass.

I've got Billy's compass!

Look, that's east, west, north.

- That's south.

- That's south! That's south!

That's great!

- What?

- Sorry.

It only works with the map.

So you're saying you lost the map?

You don't have it?

No. I'm saying I forgot

to hold on to it while my ass

was free-falling

over a 100-foot waterfall.

So you don't have it?

Hey, do you hear that?

- Oh, hell, yeah.

- Hey, that sounds like Creed.

I never thought I'd be happy to hear

anything that sounds like Creed.

Lights.

Thank you, God. Civilization.

- Look at that.

- They have a fire.

- You think they're cooking food?

- I hope so. I am starving.

- Damn it, Elwood. This blade is dull.

- Ain't my fault.

- See how I popped off that fish head?

- What is it?

I told you not to use my buck knife.

How you like me now, fish?

You ain't so tough

without a head, huh?

Oh, what's that? You can't hear me?

That's right, because

you don't have ears,

because you don't have a head,

because I cut it off!

Okay, that's... I mean,

that's a little weird, right?

We should get out of here.

Listen, I say we just try talking...

Shut it.

The hell was that?

- Is that a gun?

- That's a gun.

Must've been a possum.

Boll weevil.

- Guns and fish heads...

- It's okay, Dano, relax.

We'll just lay low.

We'll get out of here in a second.

- Hey.

- Yeah?

- These guys are pot farmers.

- What? How do you know that?

Oh, boy. We should go.

Lynyrd. Skynyrd. Come here.

There you go, spoiling them dogs.

Lots of vitamins in these fish heads.

Look at that. Skynyrd likes fish heads

almost as much as you do.

Do you think they saw us?

No, I don't.

- What are you doing?

- What?

I'll write you a prescription. Let's go.

- Come on.

- All right.

On my go. Ready?

Go, go, back here. Come on.

Hey, guys.

Listen. We don't want any trouble.

We just got lost on the river,

you know?

Hey, can we use your phone?

Oh, of course.

And... Who cares, you know?

- Let's go through there.

- Where? There's no door.

- Lynyrd, Skynyrd. Get them.

- Come on, Dano.

- Good work, buddy.

- Thanks.

- Let's go.

- Come on, Dano.

Come on!

Go, go, go!

What did you do?

Why are there flares?

Great mother of ganja.

Come on! I see them! I got them!

- Hey, boys, come back here.

- We ain't gonna hurt you boys!

- Just wanna talk to you.

- There they are. Right there.

Damn it, you head to the left.

I'll cut them off.

- Go, go, go!

- They're shooting!

I think I got them, Dennis!

They're shooting at us! Run!

Come on, Dennis, I'm gonna get them!

Damn it! I can't see nothing

through this smoke!

- We're dead. We're dead.

- We're dead.

- We're dead!

- They're gonna... They're gonna...

We're gonna die...

You set the security flares

too close, Elwood.

The whole damn field's on fire.

Where the hell are the damn dogs?!

You guys gotta promise me that you'll

never tell my patients that I got stoned,

because if they found out I got stoned,

they'll think that I'm a stoner.

The next thing you know,

I won't have a license anymore.

They'll take away all my instruments

and my coat and my office,

and I won't have

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