Without a Paddle Page #6

Tommy?

Tom, do you see anything or not?

I think I might still be stoned.

Hello? Excuse me, miss?

- Ladies?

- My name is Flower!

You may call me Butterfly.

And if you're

from the logging company,

you'll have to speak to our lawyers.

If you look to your left,

you can totally see her downstairs.

What?

We're not... We're not

from the logging company.

- Peace.

- Peace.

- Hey, peace.

- Peace.

- What's your name?

- Jerry. Jerry Conlaine.

And what's your forest name?

Slug. His forest name is Slug.

- I got you.

- Thanks, Tom, thanks a lot.

I'm sorry, Slug. We can't

abandon our post.

Do you understand?

Well, could we come up there,

then? Please?

Come on up.

So then we run straight into

this freezing, like, water pond.

We had to hide underwater,

but we used these reeds.

Reeds? Like p*ssy willow reeds?

Really?

God, it must've been so hard

to breathe.

Yeah, it's been quite a trip.

Do you guys have a cell phone

that we could use?

Sorry, Slug. Cell phones are bad

for the environment

and people who live

in the environment.

- Right.

- You poor boys.

You need to get out

of those damp, dirty clothes.

Here, let us wash them for you.

- No, no. I'm fine.

- Let us nurture you.

Oh, boy!

Mighty Oak could go

for some nurturing.

- Stay right there.

- No. It's...

Just relax, Condor.

No, it's okay, honestly. I'm actually

not really into being touched.

I'm a doctor, so I usually

do the touching.

Yeah. I've been told I give

a very good calf massage.

If you wanna roll down

those stockings, I could give you one.

- Stockings?

- Leg warmers?

I'm all-natural.

Supernatural.

- You guys live up here year-round?

- We've been here 287 beautiful days.

How do you guys get supplies?

When we need supplies, we radio

the Earth Child Support Network.

Radio?

You... You guys have a radio?

Yeah. We haven't used it

since that last big thunderstorm.

Remember that, Flower?

Oh, my God. That thunderstorm

was so spiritual.

Earth Child's limbs were just waving,

heaving back and forth,

like she was dancing in the rhythm

to the thunder. It was just like...

Full-on Tantric orgasm.

- So where's this radio?

- Tree had an orgasm?

You don't say.

We danced naked

in the storm all night.

And then held each other,

soaking wet, until the morning.

The rain is like a drug.

It just makes you wanna...

What? Makes you wanna what?

Can we please use the radio?

Sure thing, Slug.

Wow. Monkey feet.

Yeah. It's like a second pair of hands.

Hello? Anyone out there?

My name's Jerry Conlaine,

and my two friends and I

are lost in the woods. Hello?

- You gotta say "Over. "

- Over.

I read you, son.

This is Breaker Station 22.

- What is your position? Over.

- See? He said, "Over. "

We are two miles east

of Harold's Bluff

in a giant redwood

called Earth Child. Over.

In a tree. We'll find you. We will

give assistance and whatnot.

Peace. Over.

You just sit tight.

We're coming to get you.

Over and out!

So we ran out of food in Borneo,

so we just ended up

eating our mosquito netting.

Just salted it up, and it was good.

It was really good.

Oh, you messy thing. Let me get that.

Thank you.

Well, there's plenty more

grubs here, Condor.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

That bark shot right through me.

I need to visit the little trees' room.

Where do you guys do the do?

Top side of the tree.

Got a real kick to it.

Bag it when you're done.

Put it in the basket up top.

If you bring it in, you take it out.

Right?

Okay, will do.

Do you have any paper?

Oh, great. You know,

I think I'm gonna wait

until we get to the ranger station.

Someone's here, someone's here.

- Good afternoon, ladies.

- Nice-looking tree.

End of the line, boys.

Come on down.

- They're gonna kill Earth Child.

- No!

No, they're not gonna kill

Earth Child. They're after us.

We gotta get down and we gotta

make a run for it, all right?

- No!

- No!

Go to it, Elwood.

We're gonna die up here

in this stupid tree.

You know, Condor, even if your bodily

death is extraordinarily painful,

- your soul will live on.

- Everything happens for a reason.

Listen up, karma chameleons.

Nobody's dying.

Here's the plan.

Send those boys down,

pretty little birdies.

I'm gonna rappel down.

And then I'm gonna secure the rope

and then I'm gonna distract them.

You two slide down after me. All right?

- Okay.

- Stop it!

Cut it down, Elwood.

Good plan, Jerry. One small change.

Time to find out whether

I have the family curse or not.

For me, Jer, for me?

Yeah, go, go, go.

Give them hell, Tommy.

This Hell-mart's open for business,

and I'm slashing prices.

- Stop!

- Come on, boys, don't be afraid.

We gotta cover him.

I have an idea.

You just send those boys down.

There won't be no more trouble

for you, Earth-mama.

- Heavier than it looks.

- Oh, good idea.

- Oh, yeah.

- You've got it.

- Ready?

- You got it.

- Oh yes.

- I'm hit. I'm hit.

It's doody, Dennis.

One, two, three.

Oh, sh*t.

Dano, let's go.

Get away from my tree!

This is wrong.

- Okay.

- I can't do this, Jerry.

Okay.

Jamming up my gun barrel.

- This is not me.

- You're a beautiful spirit.

Fly free and know

that love follows you.

Thank you, kind, crazy,

hairy lady of my dreams.

Thank you, kind, crazy,

hairy lady of my dreams.

It was cute.

- Get off my tree!

- Shoot her.

Filthy hippie! Shoot her again.

That is it!

- I don't wanna do this, Jerry.

- Remember when we used to jump off

that railroad bridge into Cedar Lake?

That was higher than this.

No, no. I never jumped off of there.

You guys always pushed me

when I wasn't looking.

Oh, yeah.

Go!

- Hold on, Dan.

- I made it.

Did I kill your grandma?

- I don't think so.

- Where are they getting all this poo?

He's getting away on my wheeler!

- Get him, Elwood.

- I'm gonna shoot him!

Come on, let's go. Get on, get on.

Move, baby, move. Come on, Jer.

Go. Go.

- Hold on.

- Come on, Dennis, we gotta move.

All right, I'm on. Go. Go.

Hold on, Dano.

Can't this thing go any faster?

Shoot the one driving!

What are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm on a speeder bike

so I can block out reality.

It's my process. Leave me alone.

Over there. It looks like a clearing.

That way.

That way, that way, that way!

Damn it, Elwood.

I think I just swallowed my underpants.

Shoot them.

- I can't believe they survived that fall.

- Dennis, they're getting away.

No, they're trapped like rats.

Only way they can go now

is up the mountain.

We know right where they're headed.

Let's go.

- Flat tire.

- Damn it, Tom.

Keep moving.

Getting close, Elwood.

This way.

All right, that is it. I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I have spent the last, like, two hours

within sniffing distance

of a sweaty ball sack and a sweaty

ball sack, and I am out. I'm out.

What does that mean?

I think it means he's out.

Like, coming out.

Like, he's finally admitted he's gay.

You know, I'm just gonna stay

here until help comes.

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