Without a Paddle Page #7

I mean, this is serious.

I lost my inhaler.

I've known you almost,

what, 25 years now?

I've never seen you have

even a hint of asthma, anything.

That's because I have the inhaler,

Jerry.

No, I think Jerry's right. I think

this whole thing's just in your head.

You just need to take a couple of real

deep breaths and you'll get over it.

Oh, okay, why didn't I think of that?

I'll just get over my chronic

respiratory illness.

I'll just breathe.

There you go. I'm over it.

See? That wasn't that hard, was it?

You gotta relax, Dano. All right?

It's no time to give up hope.

Let's just keep going.

No, actually, Jerry, I'm convinced that

this is the perfect time to give up hope.

I don't know that there has ever been

a better time to give up hope.

I mean, look at this.

Things are as bad

as they could possibly get.

I stand corrected.

Elwood, what are you doing?

It's raining. It's raining.

Tom, man, get under here.

You're gonna die of pneumonia.

No, but we will die of hypothermia.

Look, our only chance

is to huddle together.

We gotta huddle our bodies together

for warmth.

I, for one, choose death.

Interesting.

One minute you mock

my sweaty ball sack,

and now you wanna cuddle with it.

You know, the whole huddle-up thing

is the oldest trick in the book.

I've used it.

It's just for getting a girl naked.

Worked, though.

Every time.

This never leaves the cave.

I'm starting to feel warm.

See? I told you guys.

Let's just try and get some sleep.

Hey, Dano.

How hot were those chicks

in the tree?

They were hairy, but hot.

The rain,

dancing to the rhythm of the thunder,

full-on Tantric orgasm,

are you kidding me? Hey, didn't?

Didn't she kiss you once?

It was nice.

Oh, my God.

They are probably dancing naked

right now.

Dancing...

Soaking wet.

Hey.

Hey! Oh, my God, Dano,

how could you?!

It wasn't me, it was Jerry.

Jerry, why would you do that?

I'm sorry. My bad. I'm so sorry.

What happens in the cave,

stays in the cave.

Oh, my God. That was your...

Come back to bed, you guys.

I'm freezing.

Not till he puts Jabba back in his hut.

Freeze, perverts.

Wait, wait, wait, just...

Please don't shoot us, okay?

This isn't what it looks like.

If you're gonna rape somebody,

rape Dano.

Did I ask you to talk?

- No.

- Come with me,

or I'll shoot your testicles off

and stuff them and mount

them on my mantelpiece.

That's gonna be an ugly mantelpiece.

- Go on.

- That's it, come on.

What is it?

Cinnamon.

What the hell are you doing, collecting

herbs for your goddamn herb garden?

Well, all the twigs are broken.

They've been through here.

That they have.

- Nice place.

- Get along.

- Build this yourself?

- Open the door.

- Okay, I'm going.

- That's it.

It's a lot warmer in here.

I think he's gonna try to cook us.

Where you going?

Oh, Susanna

Don't you cry for me

If you're gonna kill us,

just do it already, okay?

I am sick of waiting to die.

Okay.

- Was that reckless?

- Yes.

If I was gonna kill you,

I would have done it outside.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- I agree.

- You're a very gracious man.

- That's a good one.

Yes, with a happy ending.

D.B.

- What'd you call me?

- D.B. The maps...

You are, aren't you?

You're D.B. Cooper.

No, I ain't D.B. Cooper.

That's ancient history.

I tell you what's not

ancient history, though.

It's three naked deviates

on my mountain.

We were searching for D.B.

And, yes, we're naked,

and we're trespassing, but

there's a perfectly good explanation.

First thing, I want you to put

some clothes on.

And then I'd like to hear this story.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

More of your own

homemade fashions?

I wouldn't mind wearing

one of these deer pelts up there.

I'd get dressed faster if I was you

because I've been alone in this cabin

for 30 years.

- Oh, God.

- Okay.

They would've come in here

to escape the rain.

They laid down right here, Dennis.

Right here.

Lay down beside me.

In order to stalk your prey,

you gotta go where they go

and do what they do.

Then a scuffle broke out,

and there were some harsh words

exchanged,

and they beat that little one

until he was limp.

Elwood,

I don't need to know

what happened.

I just need to know

which way they went.

Up-mountain. All right, let's get back

to the wheeler.

I know a shortcut

around Devil's Staircase.

We can still beat them to the summit.

And then you, you scared us

with your testicle-mounting speech.

That just came right off the top

of my head.

- It was very scary.

- It was creepy too.

May I ask you one question?

Could you really see their downstairs?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You could

see everything. It was...

It was quite a view.

So, Del,

were you D.B.'s partner?

And his best friend too.

We've known each other ever since

we were able to pee straight.

So...

- Is he still alive?

- Hell, I don't know.

D.B. Had this plan, see.

When he jumped out of the airplane,

he was gonna land

of Red Devil Ridge.

And he had a flashlight.

He was gonna signal me,

I'd find him and then we were gonna

work our way down to Rio.

I love Rio.

What...? What happened?

It snowed.

A blizzard. You couldn't see anything.

You couldn't see your hand

in front of your face.

Hell, I don't know where he landed.

I looked for him for months

and months. So did the FBI,

so did the cops. No D.B., no money.

But you could've left.

Why'd you stay up here

all these years?

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

You know what I mean, kid?

Yeah,

- I do.

- Have you ever spent

- No.

- Then you don't know what I mean.

I mean, metaphorically,

I know what you mean.

Metaphorically, have you ever spent

Ye... No.

Well, then, think before you talk.

Point is, I've spent the best years

of my life sitting on the porch,

playing the harmonica,

waiting for something better,

and the years have been going

by faster and faster.

And then all of a sudden,

I was an old man.

Well, I bet you can play the sh*t

out of that harmonica.

That I can.

Except there's no one around

to hear me play it.

Piece of advice:

You can lose your money,

you can spend all of it,

and if you work hard,

you get it all back.

But if you waste your time,

you're never gonna get it back.

Whatever it is you fellas

are looking for,

you gotta go out and get it.

And you gotta go right now.

Not right now, you idiots.

Well, you boys get some sleep.

In the morning, I'm gonna point you

in the right direction,

get you right off this mountain.

Morning.

Bacon.

Squirrel.

Squirrel.

Nice T-shirt, JJ.

That's my JJ Walker T-shirt.

"Dy-no-mite. "

Dy-no-mite.

Dy-no-mite.

Dy-no-mite!

That's too big.

- Bathroom?

- Outside.

Thought so.

Dy-no-mite.

Dy-no-mite.

Creeping me out.

Look at this.

Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

Hey. Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

My cell phone.

Where did you find that?

Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

- Usually.

- Unbelievable.

I gotta make a quick call,

all right?

- Who you gonna call?

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