Wonderwoman 1984 Page #2

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(Santa speaking Mandarin)

(grunts)

(bird chirping)

-What?

-(gasps) Jesus.

-Where'd you come from?

-Well, what are you looking at?

Look, look.

There. You see it?

-KATE:
Oh. -Just above

the lip of the roof there.

It's quite unusual to see

a bird like that in town.

-Blimey.

-(bird screeches)

(groans) Damn it.

Here. Uh, I think

it just pooed in your eye.

Yeah, I think so.

-SANTA:
Goodbye, my people.

-KATE:
Sorry. Ow.

-(Santa speaks Mandarin)

-Ow.

-Where have you been?

-(groans)

A shitting bird

just shat in my eye.

-Oh. Is there a bird in here?

-No.

Some bloke was outside the shop

playing silly buggers.

Well, maybe you can focus

your attention

-on the silly buggers inside

the shop. -(phone ringing)

I know. Oh! My phone.

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry, Santa.

Yeah, Jenna!

Yes! Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so...

I'll be with you around 8:00.

-Okay. You are number one.

-Get off the phone now!

Okay, I got to go. Bye.

Yeah, I'm just gonna get

the sh*t out my eye.

-I'll be right...

-Time to sparkle!

♪ Just hear those

sleigh bells jingling ♪

♪ Ring-ting-tingling, too... ♪

There you are, sir. Enjoy your

festive hybrid Hanukkah bush.

Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Take care.

(ringtone playing):

♪ She drives me crazy, she... ♪

SANTA:

Your mother again?

-I curse the day I was born.

-Me, too.

Ha! Funny, no. I installed

everything on her phone

from Snapchat to Instagram.

All it means is that

I can disappoint her

in more ways than ever.

Mothers are hell.

Oh, yeah.

KATE:

Mm.

Hello.

-Leave him to me.

-Oh!

You'll just flirt with him, and

he'll forget to buy anything.

-Hi.

-How can I help you?

Wouldn't mind finding him

in my stocking.

-Hi.

-(yells) Hi. Hi.

I came in to check on your eye.

It's fine.

-It's good luck, you know.

-What is?

Getting pooed on by a bird.

-Bollocks is it.

-No, seriously.

So I thought I'd see

if you fancied

-a little stroll with me.

-Oh, that's my luck?

-Going for a stroll with you?

-Might be.

Look, did you find me

on Swiper?

-Swiper?

-Yeah.

The modern dating application

you might have heard of.

Oh. So not.

Look, to be honest,

you're not really my type.

To be honest,

you're not really mine.

(opens drawer)

Well, maybe we should

just leave it, then.

I do like a challenge, though.

-You considered BASE jumping?

-(closes drawer)

-Japanese blowfish?

-No, I have,

but right now I'm considering

a little stroll with you.

Well, consider away,

because it's a no.

Is there anything

that I could improve upon

to, say, persuade you?

-No.

-Any reason in particular?

Because you're weird, this is

weird, and I don't know you.

So, please, could you

just leave, okay? Just get...

-Shoo. Just go. Just go.

-Hold on. This is weird?

Let's just...

Yeah, you're weird.

-You're strange. I don't

really... -Weirder than Grabber

-or Swiper or whatever

it's called? -Yeah.

(sighs) Oh, just...

Weirder than total strangers

deciding on

one Photoshopped image

whether or not to engage

in immediate foreplay?

I'm busy.

You're weird. Goodbye.

(register beeping)

Can...

Um... do you need any...

-(drawer closes)

-(register beeps)

Good evening.

Good eve... (gasps)

Can I help you?

I think so.

Go on, then.

What is it

you were looking for?

Um...

This.

That is very nice.

It's Mr. Claus, I believe.

Yes.

Upon his vehicle.

-Yes.

-Do you have something...

dissimilar?

Yes.

We have many...

dissimilar items.

Uh, for instance,

this Christmas gibbon.

(high-pitched voice):

♪ Last Christmas ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

-(gibbon screeches)

-(button clicks)

-(screeches)

-♪ This year ♪

♪ To save me from tears... ♪

It is amusing.

I think so, too.

-♪ Special, special,

special... ♪ -(screeches)

(music stops)

I'll come back for it.

Yes.

-Yes.

-(sets figure on counter)

SANTA (hushed):

Yes.

Wow.

That was like watching

a short Scandinavian film.

Are you all right?

-Yes, I'm fine.

-(sets gibbon on counter)

Wait. Hang on.

Did you... like him?

You're so mysterious,

I can't tell.

Of course not.

Oh, my God, you did like him.

(gasps)

I don't know anything

about him.

And you're fantasizing, elf,

because all you seem to

think about these days is sex.

Ooh.

-Oh, my God, he's coming back.

-Where?!

Got you.

I knew you liked him.

Well, now I know.

You like your men tall,

shy and translucent,

like a squid but with bones

and less legs.

Shut up, lock up,

and good night.

-Mm-hmm.

-(cell phone chimes)

(gasps, exclaims

in Serbo-Croatian)

(grunts)

Arse, head and hole!

("Fantasy" by George Michael

playing)

-(kazoo buzzing)

-(Kate muttering)

Piss off, Klaus!

Sorry! Late for an audition.

♪ The next you tell me

you don't ♪

-(horn honking)

-♪ One day you say you will ♪

♪ And the next

you tell me you won't... ♪

-(horn honks, tires squeal)

-Sorry!

Bugger.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Please wait, please wait,

please wait!

He was... he was very good.

Not for me.

-Charming.

-Jarring.

DIRECTOR:
I would put him

in "maybe plus."

CASTING DIRECTOR:

"Maybe plus."

Hi.

-Hi. Sorry.

-Hi. Oh.

-So sorry. I'm late.

-CASTING DIRECTOR: Sorry.

-The auditions are closed now.

-Right, yes.

I was on the list.

No, my name's Kate Andrich.

Yeah, there was just a terrible

accident on the way here.

Was, uh, Santa involved?

Well, yeah.

She was, actually, yeah.

"She"? Oh, is this like a

"God being a woman now" thing?

Oh, no, no, no.

These are just my work clothes.

-Don't worry about it.

-Where do you work?

Elf and safety?

Uh... (laughs)

Not exactly.

-Uh, I'm so sorry.

-CASTING DIRECTOR: Sorry.

-You're gonna have to come back

next time. -It's too late.

DIRECTOR:
Well, you know what?

Let her go.

I... Who knows? She might be

the next Streisand.

-We don't know.

-(producer sighs)

Plus, I've never seen an elf

audition before.

(laughs)

Um, yeah. Take it away,

you weird little

North Pole-ian.

It's Kate. Uh, wh-where

can I plug in my music?

The sound engineer's gone home.

-Great.

-A cappella.

The penalty for lateness.

Yeah, I can do that. Okay.

Sure.

Okay.

(clears throat)

♪ Raindrops on roses

and whiskers on kittens ♪

♪ Bright copper kettles

and warm woolen mittens ♪

♪ Brown paper packages

tied up with string ♪

♪ These are a few

of my favorite things ♪

-Stop! Stop.

-♪ When the dog bites... ♪

(chuckles softly)

-You've got the part.

-(stammers)

Oh, uh, sorry.

No, no, no, it was, uh...

-it was sh*t.

-(director chuckles)

-(clears throat)

-("Jingle Bell Rock" playing)

(sighing):

Oh, for God's sake.

Whoa! (gasps)

-You again?

-What do you mean, "again"?

Did you follow me here?

No, I made a delivery here.

-Yeah?

-Are elves always so cynical?

Yes, relentlessly.

These are dark times.

-So, having not

followed you here... -Mm-hmm.

...and having made my delivery,

and you having bumped into me

by chance, here we are.

"Here we are"?

Well, for instance, we could go

for a walk together.

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