Woody Woodpecker Page #4

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B-bird's the word

Bird!

Oh, yeah! That was awesome!

Woody, that was sick!

Oh, yeah! The bird is the word!

You know this song is about me, right?

Hmm. It's quiet. Too quiet.

I can fix that.

Mmm!

Anyone else smell gas?

And it's not me this time!

Nothing works around here.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

Whoa!

Oh, jeez.

Kids, don't try this at home.

I'm a professional cartoon character.

Ew! Definitely swipe left.

Oh, boy.

Baby, please,

can we talk about this a minute?

-You know what? You were right.

I should have

listened to you in the first place.

We'll go to a hotel.

I'm going to a hotel.

The Fairmont Olympic in Seattle.

Five stars. All the amenities.

Suite for one.

I will get rid of that woodpecker,

I promise you.

It's too late, Lance.

You're not the man I thought you were.

I fell in love with a cold,

heartless, courtroom killer.

Not a man who loses to a flying squirrel.

If you ever move back to Seattle,

we can do lunch.

Bye!

I think I just did that guy a huge favor.

You're welcome!

Sorry.

What?

About Vanessa.

I know you liked her.

Thanks.

Yeah, I did.

Sometimes things

don't work out the way you planned.

You'll find that out when you're older.

Not sure I wanna find out.

Nah, it's not all that bad.

It's just that in life, your dreams

and reality don't always line up.

So what you're trying to tell me is,

it basically stinks.

No, not all the time, but...

Yeah.

Sometimes life basically stinks.

Let's get some sleep.

Things always look better in the morning.

At least I hope they do.

LANCE:
So I've got

a pretty serious bird problem.

And from what I understand,

you two gentlemen are the finest

pest control company in town.

You're the only pest control

company in town.

But I'm sure men of your...

...caliber, won't have

any trouble with this job?

It's just a little woodpecker.

-Mister, do you know how...

How can we help you, Mr. Walters?

Well, I need you to trap it

and release it far, far away from here.

I'd say kill it,

but apparently that's illegal.

Of course not.

We would never break the "law."

Nate, what about that time...

How much?

Our standard woodpecker

removal fee is 200...

500 bucks. Cash money.

-Otis, are you...

-Done.

Gonna eat your cherry?

All yours.

Thanks. I'll, uh...

I'll save this for later.

Check, please.

So, I will see you gentlemen

in the morning, yes?

Uh, you got it.

We will hit the hay early.

Be there bright and early,

ready to removify that bird.

Just not before 10:00 a.m., all right?

That's been when my son

usually comes into town,

and I'd rather he not know

anything about this.

10:
00 it is.

We will see you in the maana.

Maana.

I thought we were seeing him tomorrow?

Holy crow!

We've been searching

for that woodpecker for a month

and now it just falls right in our laps.

Plus, we're gonna make

five hundo, cash money!

Dummy!

It's the pileated red-crowned woodpecker.

We can sell that bird

for 1,000 times more than that.

Can't you just smell the money?

Nah, it's just me.

TOMMY:
Hey, what are we

gonna call our band?

JILL:
How about Poison Ivy?

'Cause I think I just stepped in some.

LYLE:
Hey, look! An eagle feather!

TOMMY:
And there's another one!

JILL:
That's a lot of feathers.

Let's follow the trail.

LYLE:
Uh, I thought

we were going swimming.

JILL:
Don't worry, we will.

I wonder where they came from.

Guys, the quarry's back that way.

JILL:
Don't be such a wimp.

Whoa.

TOMMY:
Hey, let's go check it out.

JILL:
Looks totally abandoned.

LYLE:
Uh, did you guys not see the sign?

Hey, wait for me!

LYLE:
What is this place?

Can we go now?

Look at all this stuff.

JILL:
Who would do something

like that to those animals?

LYLE:
I told you guys

we shouldn't have come in here.

Let's go. Come on!

What was that?

What... What are you doing?

Look how sad he looks.

What are you doing here?

We're sorry, sir.

We didn't touch anything.

This is private property.

You are trespassing!

We could press charges.

TOMMY:
We were just

on our way to the quarry, and we got lost.

JILL:
Yeah!

See the towels? Swimming?

It wasn't my idea. They made me.

If any of you little runts

come back here again,

bad things are gonna happen.

Now, all of you,

get outta here!

-Go! Go! Go!

JILL:
Come on, guys!

TOMMY:
Let's go!

Not you, dummy.

JILL:
Come on! Quick!

LYLE:
Guys, come on!

Peck away all you want tonight, bird.

Tomorrow, the hammer drops.

NATE:
Otis, take her up.

LANCE:
So, what's the plan?

NATE:
Oh, I'll tell you the plan.

We got this carbon fiber

and titanium reinforced cage.

We've got the thermal cameras

all over the perimeter.

And for just a little added insurance,

we've got these electrified net guns.

If for any reason he manages to escape

and make a run for it,

heat-seeking tranquilizer darts.

Oh, and for bait,

we've got two aces in the hole.

At first, a female decoy.

Second, we've added a jar

of extra-nutty peanut butter.

Because no right-minded woodpecker

can resist the combination of romance

and peanut butter.

It is a bad day to be a woodpecker.

WOODY:

Everybody thinks I'm crazy

Yessiree, that's me, that's me

That's what I'm cracked up to be

I chop a hole in every tree

Knock on wood

Knock on wood!

So I'm crazy

What, what, what can I do?

So are you

Do you smell that?

Is that what I think it is?

Peanut butter!

Peanut butter!

Peanut butter! Peanut butter!

Peanut butter!

Incoming bogey.

300 yards and closing fast.

What do we have here?

Well, hello there. Come here often?

I noticed you have a jar

of extra-nutty peanut butter.

I'm a big fan of the stuff myself.

Mind if I join you?

Is it just me,

or is there something kind of

wooden about this chick?

Come on.

How about we take this back

to my place and watch a movie?

Ever seen The Birds?

It's hilarious.

It feels like something

has come between us.

Heat seekers!

You didn't think I was gonna

get caught this easy, did you?

Peanut butter makes me crazy, not stupid.

-Come on, what else you got?

-NATE:
Shoot him!

Yikes! Time to go!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, there he is!

Tag, you're it!

Whoa!

Nighty-night, boys.

Not again.

WOODY:
Hey, beardo!

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Feeling lucky today, punk?

Well, do you?

Electrifying!

Smile!

Come to Papa.

Later, babe. Text me

when you make parole.

SAM:
Here, I got it.

Why, Ranger Sam. How kind of you.

No worries.

I heard about your RV. Was it bad?

Let's just say I don't think

I'm gonna get my damage deposit back.

How's your fiance taking it?

You mean, my ex-fiance?

I'm pretty sure she's taking it

to a five-star hotel in Seattle.

-I'm sorry.

-Yeah, thanks.

Never thought a woodpecker

would break up my relationship.

But I guess out here these things happen.

Can I give you a piece of advice

about that woodpecker?

It is not a woodpecker.

It is a demon from hell.

Okay, then, can I give you a piece

of advice about that demon from hell?

Does it involve

untraceable forms of poison?

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