Worst Friends Page #6

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you hope that it could happen,

think it might happen.

As glad as I am you've

turned over this new leaf,

you're not

cooking me dinner.

- Why not?

- Jake...

you've burned that particular

bridge to the ground,

no matter how much

you've changed.

Zoe, I didn't mean it like that.

I meant me, you, and Sam

sitting down together,

spending some time.

Oh.

Well, I'd like that.

- Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

Do you think that Sam...

No. Trust me.

I know Sam.

He's the kind of guy

if he thinks something,

he says something.

What are you doing?

I am having someone

over for dinner.

Yeah, right.

I swear.

Is there a punch line here?

You gonna kick me in the balls

or something?

You know what?

Took your advice from the diner.

What's that?

Said I'm sorry.

Worked like a charm.

You're having Sara over?

I can't believe it.

Huh.

What are you doing?

Checking out your eye color.

That's the first tipoff

that an alien life form

is impersonating your body.

Wow.

It's a wonder other virgins

don't make pilgrimages

to worship you.

You want me to go anywhere?

I can go for a walk

or something.

If you want.

I can sit upstairs.

Yeah, if you want.

It's gonna get loud.

F*** you.

No, Sam, Sam, seriously,

this girl made it seem like

she's only interested

in eating and f***ing.

That's disgusting.

I'll close my door.

[doorbell rings]

It's open!

Hey, Jake.

Dad's house looks nice.

Thanks.

So, um, where's the food?

What are we eating?

- You look great.

- Oh, really?

I can hear you guys talking,

and although it means nothing,

it's making me feel

kinda weird, so...

I'm... gonna go for a walk.

What the hell?

Hey, Sam.

Sam, meet Zoe.

F*** you, Jake.

You unbelievable piece of sh*t.

I don't know

what's going on here.

If you leave, he's not gonna

pay you your money.

What?

He's not going to pay you

your money.

How do you know about that?

What kind of friend

takes money

from someone's father

to take care of them?

I mean, what the hell else

were you gonna do?

And you wouldn't even buy me

the paintball gun

when I asked you for it.

Yeah, that was a test, Sam.

You're out of your mind.

My mom and I live alone.

Paycheck to paycheck.

I gave her all that money

to help her out.

You get that at all?

Stand up.

I said stand up!

I know you can stand up.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna

punch you in the face,

and I'm not gonna hit

a guy in a wheelchair.

- What's the problem?

- Shut up.

You gonna do something,

do something.

Shut up.

- Do something.

- I don't have to do anything.

Your girlfriend

didn't give a sh*t enough

to not f*** someone else.

Your dad didn't

care enough to stay.

You're all alone.

Nobody cares.

Someone had to pay me to care.

Zoe, this is bullshit.

I honestly thought you wouldn't

make the mistake twice.

[door closes]

[engine cranks]

[engine cranks]

[starter fails]

[whimpers]

Why did you do that?

Because of the money.

Jake, I'm 26 years old,

and my father just died.

I have no savings,

and I'm living at home.

And this?

This is the least important part

of my life.

You know,

you guys aren't 16 anymore.

He's not gonna be waiting

at the bus stop tomorrow

for you to make it up to him.

Nobody wants you to be

anything like your father.

You know that, right?

You're dad's not even here.

[door opens, closes]

[line ringing]

[Lily]

Hello?

Hey. I need help.

[groans]

I think I broke my shoulder.

Why? What happened?

I punched Sam.

What'd you do?

- I punched him.

- I know.

What did you do?

I may have sabotaged

this thing he had going

with this girl he liked.

Well, you sprained it.

- It's not broken?

- No.

It's gonna be sore for a week,

so you need to figure this out.

- Get my friend back?

- No, I don't care about your relationship.

That's on you. You need

someone to take care of you.

So call the girl.

You call the girl,

fix it with her,

and Sam will come back.

I don't know her number.

She lives across the street.

What, Jake?

I didn't mean anything I said.

I was being

a manipulative a**hole.

Yeah, I know.

I know you know.

I just needed to tell you.

He's liked you

for a long time.

A lot.

I'm just being an idiot.

I saw you walking with him,

and my dad telling me about

Sam getting paid, it just...

It's me acting on

some shitty instinct.

Did you mean anything you said?

When?

When you said you were sorry.

[sighs]

I don't know.

I am sorry, though.

Your dad was a really cool guy.

[dog barks]

What am I supposed to do now?

Wait for Sam to get back,

make some phone calls

and find someone else

to take care of you.

I don't know

that anyone else can.

Well, you gotta

figure this out, Jake.

Okay.

[sighs]

You should call someone else.

Why?

Because Sam's

definitely coming back.

Why do you say that?

Because he's sleeping

in your dad's car right now.

If he was gonna go,

he would have gone already.

Well, I need someone

to take care of me.

Listen, anyone you treat

the way you treat that kid,

maybe it's not the best thing.

I don't understand.

You're not the most perceptive

guy in the world.

Do you understand that?

I guess.

You guess?

You've hit on me

countless times.

I've countered countless times

by referring to my partner.

Not my boyfriend,

my partner.

Can you put

two and two together?

Maybe you need to reevaluate

your relationship with this kid.

But I gotta go. I have an

appointment in 20 minutes,

so I'll see you

next week, okay?

[grunts]

I don't want

to beat you up again.

I just wanna keep my head down,

finish out my time here.

Beat me up?

I punched you.

Whatever.

I just want to go upstairs

and sleep in a normal bed.

No.

What?

I want you to leave.

What the hell

you talking about?

I think...

and you can correct me

if I'm wrong...

that as long as I'm here,

you're gonna take care of me,

even if my father

doesn't pay you.

The thing is...

you don't like me.

- Not right now, no.

- No, you don't like me at all.

And that's okay.

I'm an a**hole.

But for some reason,

me being an a**hole

has just caused you to stop.

And that's not okay.

I don't think...

Seriously.

We're not friends.

We're just used to each other.

So I need you to just leave.

I need you to go write

an SAT prep book

or date Zoe

or do anything...

as long as I'm just

not involved and far away.

Just do something so

that I don't feel

like I f***ed this up so bad.

We were best friends, man.

Probably the best

when we were 10,

and then we never changed.

That sucks.

But we don't have

to be friends now.

Okay.

But who's gonna

take care of you?

I called Sara.

She said do it for 500.

Don't worry about it.

See you later.

Okay.

[door closes]

[young Jake] By the time I'm 16,

she's gonna be 28 or something.

[young Sam]

She slapped you pretty hard.

Yeah, well, you gotta make

an omelet to break some eggs.

What? That's not

what you meant to say.

How would you know?

That made no sense.

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