Yellowbeard Page #4

- He's right-handed, sir.

- Get rid of the others.

Quiet!

- Mr. Crisp.

- Aye, sir!

What is that?

- That's my box, sir.

- No, carrying your box.

Cabin boy Smith, sir.

- Smith has tits.

- He's been a bit ill, sir.

Get her off!

Aye, sir.

Wait a minute.

What is that?

It's a crocodile, sir.

What's it for?

Well, each sailor is...

allowed, by tradition, a pet, sir.

One pet per sailor, parrots preferred.

Well, we like clubbed together, as it were,

if you take my drift, sir.

- That's bigger than three parrots.

- Not if they're in cages, sir.

Open it up.

Open it up?

Open it up!

There are buttons down the side.

The ancient superstition

that a woman onboard brings bad luck...

is now a proven scientific fact.

Nice try, Rosie.

Shouldn't bother, love.

They're fairly strict on this one.

Rattus vulgaris.

- Yeah.

- You know, I've been thinking.

If we paid 300 guineas each for this cabin...

I'm glad we didn't go for the cheaper ones.

I'm sorry to interrupt

your morning bath, gentlemen.

On your knees!

And crawl up here on the double!

Up here on the double!

- All hands present, Mr. Crisp, sir!

- Thank you, Bosun!

Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man,

preserve me from the violent man...

My name is Captain Hughes.

These are my officers, Lieutenant Martin,

who is responsible for discipline...

Lieutenant Crisp,

who is responsible for discipline...

Mr. Prostitute, who is responsible for...

Nail that man's foot to the deck.

- Aye, sir.

- Discipline.

No, I... It's all right. No. I was just joking.

I was just having a...

Here, hang on. Hey, wait a minute.

Now, in fairness to all of you...

I'm honor bound to ask this question.

Is there anyone here who does not wish

to be a member of Her Majesty's Navy?

Me, sir.

Is there anyone else

who is reluctant to serve?

Right.

If, by chance, some of you may feel

that the discipline on this ship...

is a trifle on the harsh side of strict...

let me remind you that it is our duty

to seek out and destroy...

Her Majesty's enemies...

the foul...

and most foreign French.

- Here, here.

- Now...

while the rest of the world will

eventually arrive at the same conclusion...

it is our urgent task...

to push things on a little.

Amen.

Next.

Mr. Martin, Mr. Prostitute...

luncheon duty.

Right, Mr. Beamish,

I'll see the prisoner now.

Aye, aye, sir.

Man the capstan.

- Ready to talk yet, Mrs. Beard?

- No!

- Take her away, Mr. Beamish.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Down.

Give them a taste of the lash

before they've done anything.

- Preventive punishment, that's the principle.

- Yes, sir.

That man yawned.

Give him a swimming lesson.

What, what? Hey! No.

Come on, wait a minute!

Wait a minute. No. Hey!

Thanks.

- Well done, sir.

- Hold the line.

Lovely day.

No! No!

No!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, what have we here? A laggard?

Oh, it's so hard on a manicure, isn't it?

Not to worry, lad.

You'll get the hang of it.

And third, Your Majesty...

I'm very pleased to report...

that after several very brave...

and very expensive battles...

the pirate Yellowbeard...

is now well and truly...

in our grasp.

Sir, is that, strictly speaking, accurate, sir?

Mansell, that's what

we in the Royal Navy call a lie.

A lie, sir? But that's treason, isn't it?

- Be quiet.

- Yes, sir.

- Now get that off to Her Majesty right away.

- Yes, sir.

How, sir?

By pigeon, Mansell.

Pigeon, sir?

Surely you didn't forget

to bring the pigeon, Mansell?

Come in.

- I think she might be ready to talk now, sir.

- Right.

I seem to remember something

about an island.

It must have been that shark

what jogged my memory.

Jolly good, Ensign.

- Thank you, sir.

- Well done.

Shall I meet you in the pump room, sir?

Sit down, Mrs. Beard.

Now, about this island.

A little pigeon, perhaps?

I've just ate some tuna, thank you.

Where did I put that treasure?

No, it's stagger. No, no, no.

Get shot, then fall...

then crawl, crawl...

then stagger, stagger.

Do you know that you have

three paying passengers onboard...

who are being treated

as abominably as the rest of the crew?

Really?

I think once the Captain realizes who we are,

we'll get an easier passage.

Perfect. Let's go.

Well, I can see

there's only one thing you'll understand.

And what, pray, might that be?

Right! Let's finish it!

- I'm so sorry, sir.

- What for?

Interrupting you, sir.

I was only smoking a cigar.

Yes, sir.

I came to tell you that the son of

Yellowbeard the pirate is onboard this ship.

The son of Yellowbeard the pirate?

Who's that?

That was Mr. Crisp, sir.

Mr. Crisp?

Officers and men of The Lady Edith...

these three people posing as pressees,

are, in fact...

foul stowaways.

Stowaways? No!

The perspicacity of Mr. Moon...

has led to the discovery

of a conspiracy against the Crown.

There's no doubt in my mind

that the one in the middle...

is the son of the evil Yellowbeard.

- Yellowbeard!

- He has already dispatched...

dear Mr. Crisp to the deep...

clearly with the purpose

of taking over this vessel.

We shall deliver

these traitors to the proper authorities.

Set course for Portsmouth.

You know what to do, Mr. Moon.

Mutiny.

Oh, dear, the Captain

would appear to be out of sorts!

We're gonna have to choose a new captain.

Who shall it be?

Me!

- No. We want Dan!

- Dan?

Or the prostitute.

Dan.

Who? Who? Come on!

- Dan! Dan!

- Dan!

- We want Dan!

- Dan!

It's unanimous, then.

The ship's yours, Captain...

to take where you will.

That's it, that's it.

I hope you don't mind us

tying up the Captain like that, sir.

No, not at all.

Well, I was only following your lead.

I mean, well, your killing Mr. Crisp

was an example to us all.

But I only hit him with a bucket,

and then everything went blank.

Oh, yeah.

It's like that, killing.

No hard feelings, Captain Hughes.

Your consideration will be noted.

Now, Bosun, set course for Madagascar.

Yes.

Right!

You heard what the Captain said.

- It's Madagascar.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Set a course for Portsmouth, Mr. Martin.

Aye, aye, sir!

East by northeast, Mr. Prostitute.

Aye, aye, sir.

All's well!

- Ah...

- S'well!

We went 10 degrees west

off course overnight.

Did you notice that, Mr. Moon?

Indeed I did, sir.

Our captain didn't bump

the helmsman off last night, did he?

No. Didn't leave his cabin, Mr. Moon.

- Did you order a change of course?

- No.

I think someone knows where the island is.

See? They're leading us right to it.

Come on, Mrs. Beard.

We've been at this all day.

No. No.

That still doesn't look right.

I don't think you're being as helpful

as you promised, Mrs. Beard.

I'm doing my best.

Perhaps a little more shark treatment?

Nothing in sight, sir.

Absolutely nothing at all.

Nothing, sir!

Talk about clear horizons, this is it.

We've been at sea for weeks without

sighting anything, let alone The Edith.

Ship ahoy!

Look lively, lads. Look lively.

There you are, sir. Nothing again.

Nothing whatsoever.

Behind you, Mansell.

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