You, Me and Dupree Page #6

Carl asked me to fill in.

I guess there was

some sort of work conflict.

What? Conflict?

What kind of conflict?

I don't know.

I don't ask questions.

I just ride

to where I'm needed.

But don't worry.

I'm sort of a

good public speaker.

Oh, no, no. It's a Career Day

presentation, Dupree.

You don't even have a job.

I understand that.

But here's what

I'd love you to do.

Please get Mandy here.

I want her to see this.

I think this will

win her back.

Now where are these

little rug rats?

They're in the third door.

Hey, how are you?

First of all,

thank you for giving me

the opportunity

to come talk to you

on Career Day.

Now, I am not

Mr. Carl Peterson

and I don't have

a career per se.

I guess you could say

my career is living

and loving.

And I do that to the utmost.

DUPREE:
She coming?

Keep going? Okay.

I see all you

fresh-faced kidlets,

sitting there

in your neat little rows,

and you're all just pods.

Pods, waiting

for your instructions.

Now some of you are

gonna get zapped right away

and be 15-year-old prodigies,

little midget Olympic gymnasts

with their pictures

on cereal boxes.

Some of you will go on to

college, and you'll find

your rhythm there,

and then go chase down

the titans of industry,

or maybe straighten out

our problems at the UN.

But some of you,

and this is the group that

no one ever comes into

Career Day and addresses,

and it's criminal,

some of you are

just gonna float along,

eating spicy foods,

humming black people's music

into your 30s.

Well into your 30s,

languishing.

This group of pods is gonna

do a lot of languishing.

And you're gonna

take some heat for it.

Sadly, you will.

Europe's a little easier.

They seem to understand

a little better.

So does South America.

I went to Argentina one time,

and everyone just

seemed to be sitting around.

It was beautiful.

But that's okay.

You stay loose. Stay liquid.

Laugh a lot. But be ready.

That's what Dupree's doing

with his life's little pod.

Staying nimble.

Till I get the call

from the mother ship.

My raison d'tat:

Then I'd fight.

Then you'll see Dupree

coming in here throwing seven

different kinds of smoke.

That's fine. The pods

that were supposed

to hear this did.

It'll kick in

when it needs to.

I'm done here.

I told you.

Now, do you think

it went over their head?

No. It was really good.

They got it. They got it.

Now, where's Mandy?

I'm only gonna do this

one more time,

but we got to get her here!

Dupree, Mandy has to...

She had a...

She had a book

that was lost.

I'm sorry, Dupree.

Dupree, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Dupree, there's something

you need to know about Mandy.

Well, it turns out that she's

a total slut and is sleeping

with half the male faculty.

What? No.

I'm sorry.

My Mandy?

Yeah.

Sorry, Dupree.

I would have never set you up

with her

if I would have known.

Ever.

TEACHER 1:
Okay, kids,

back inside.

TEACHER 1:
Let's go.

Ever.

With that guy?

TEACHER 2:
Great job today,

kids. Yeah. Good teamwork.

TEACHER 2:
You did good,

Billy. All right, let's go.

Yeah. All right,

let's get ready

for the next class.

(GRUNTING)

(MAN HUMMING)

Afraid so.

He's not even on the faculty.

There really aren't any more

Audrey Hepburns out there,

are there?

Oh, what a sucker.

Dupree? Dupree?

You talk to Sam

about the zoning issues?

Yeah. And to be honest

with you, sir,

they're still in flux.

Carl, I'm going to the bank

in days, all right?

I cannot have things in flux.

I realize that, sir.

I'll get on it right away.

Carl, sit down, please.

Please just sit down.

You know,

there's something

you said to me

a few days ago

that I just cannot

get out of my mind.

Something about

you and Molly

having children.

Oh, right. Yeah, no.

That was...

That was hypothetical.

That's not something that

we're talking about doing

any time soon.

You know what I did, Carl,

when I started dating again?

No idea.

I got a vasectomy.

A vasectomy?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's a little extreme,

don't you think?

Not really. It's a mild

outpatient procedure.

A little local anesthesia,

snip snip,

sit on a bag of frozen peas

for a night. Voil.

I mean, that was it,

and it's

one hundred percent effective.

Yeah.

Carl, read the literature.

It is reversible.

Seventy percent of the time.

All right. See you get your

sh*t together, all right?

I want it back on my desk,

this zoning stuff,

by 3:
00 today.

All right?

Thank you, Carl.

All right?

Fine:
How are you?

"Fine. How are you?"

Oh, fine:

you were great back there:

You weren't so bad yourself:

we'd better get Irving's car

and get out of here:

So you really were serious

about Audrey Hepburn, huh?

She had it all. Style,

grace, ethereal beauty.

Just like I thought Mandy did.

I don't know.

I have a hard time

imagining Audrey Hepburn

getting buttered up

to Funky Cold Medina:

Really? I don't.

The Mouth of Truth:

The legend is that

if you're given to lying

and you put

your hand in there,

it will be bitten off:

I'm still trying to understand

why Carl didn't show up today.

I know he's under

a lot of pressure

right now,

but just lately he seems

like a different person.

No, he's just working

really hard. He gets

like that sometimes.

Maybe if he opened up

a little bit more.

Look, Carl's

never gonna be mistaken

for the great communicator.

I mean, just mention the word

"feelings" or "emotion,"

and you watch his eyes

glaze over. But...

I don't know.

He just puts up a wall.

Well, how do you get past it?

I think you just fight

through it. Patience.

That's what I did.

I ask a lot of questions.

I let him know that I care.

And I just pray

he drops his guard,

'cause when he does,

it's so worth it.

(SCREAMS)

Hello:

You beast!

It was perfectly awful!

That gets me every time,

and I know it's coming.

So, Dupree did a good job?

Did he mention

the mother ship?

Actually, in a weird way,

he was really inspiring.

I didn't know he was so

sensitive. Did you know

he writes poetry?

Poetry?

Yeah.

Man, what a homo.

Wow.

That is really mature, Carl.

Look, honey, I'm sorry

I didn't make it today.

What is going on

with you lately?

Oh, nothing. I'm fine.

You are clearly

not fine, Carl.

So why don't you meet me

halfway here, please.

All right.

You want to know

what's going on?

I'll tell you

what's going on.

I think your father hates me.

What?

Carl. Carl, my father

does not hate you.

He gives you

this big promotion,

which you said

was a dream come true.

Why would he do that?

Because he hates you?

That's exactly

what I'm beginning to think.

For the same reason

he's been systematically

trying to emasculate me

and sterilize me.

Slow down. 'Cause now you're

not making any sense.

I'm not making any sense?

Well, here's something

that should make

perfect sense to you.

Now, everybody knows

that your father,

when he likes somebody,

he invites them out

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