You, Me and Dupree Page #7

on a little fishing trip.

Fact. I've never been

invited fishing. Not once.

You hate fishing.

He doesn't know that.

I'm telling you, Molly,

he hates me.

Look, Carl,

I know how my father

gets sometimes. I do.

He pushes people

when he wants results.

And it's frustrating,

I know.

But he doesn't hate you.

And I know you want to do

a great job on this project,

but it's taking over

your life.

And we're supposed

to be having fun.

Why don't you come home

at a decent hour

tomorrow night?

Dupree wants to cook for us.

We'll sit down,

we'll have dinner, relax.

Talk about things

other than work.

And everything

will be okay.

Yeah.

You'll see.

Fine.

Fine.

Yeah.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey.

You busy?

No.

Just catching up

on some back issues.

What's going on?

(SIGHING)

I wanted to ask you something.

Yeah?

Would you be offended

if Thompson asked you

to get a vasectomy?

What? Why would he want me

to get a vasectomy?

Carl, I barely know the man!

(SHUSHING) Wait a minute!

Wait! Dupree.

Yes, I'd be offended!

No. Not you.

That's not what I mean.

Just what do you think

of vasectomies?

Cutting off my manhood?

I think it's barbaric.

No one's getting near

that part of my body.

No one, Carl.

Unless, of course,

it's a woman.

And then she better

not have a scalpel.

Of course.

Why would he want me

to get a vasectomy?

He doesn't want you

to get a vasectomy.

It was

a hypothetical question.

Okay.

Just forget I asked.

Don't joke with me

like that, man.

Go back to your reading.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Watch that heat.

Slow stirring, Molly.

How are my game hens doing?

MOLLY:
Wow.

DUPREE:
Gorgeous.

Okay, get started

on the salad.

Put some walnuts in.

I'll take care of this.

Okay. How'd you

learn all this?

Most of it I picked up

in a six-week series,

Treasures of Tuscany:

The garlic technique,

however, I got from

watching Goodfellas:

I actually make

an incredible risotto,

but I want to keep it

low carb tonight for Carl.

Poor guy has kind of

let the wheels come off

a little bit. Okay.

Twenty minutes

till the big guy gets here.

Focus. We got to

come together now.

Merlot. I want you

to get it out.

Get it breathing.

We're gonna use the 2005,

Napa wine glasses

Aunt Kathy gave us.

How did you know Aunt Kathy

gave us those wine glasses?

DUPREE:
He would have

written these notes.

Dupree, please!

Please stop making

excuses for him.

I'm not.

But I think that

he would have if he...

No, you are.

And you have to stop

doing that now because

your buddy is wrong. Okay?

If he didn't want to

write them, he should

have just told me.

And, big surprise,

he's late again.

Look, you know, forget him.

You made this beautiful meal.

Thank you.

We're gonna sit here

and we're gonna enjoy it.

We're gonna drink.

And we're gonna eat.

And we're gonna drink

some more.

Well, it's frustrating

for me, too,

'cause I know he would have

loved this meal.

(MOLLY LAUGHING)

MOLLY:
Yeah.

I can't do it...

DUPREE:
Oh, boy.

MOLLY:
No. But I used

to be able to touch it

to the top of my nose.

No, really?

Yeah. Oh, wow.

Can you do it?

No.

Hey, guys.

There's a plate

for you in the oven.

Okay, look,

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

I got hung up at work.

Would it have killed you

to make a phone call?

No, Randolph, Randolph, wait!

I'm sorry, Molly, but,

damn it, Carl, you really

press my buttons sometimes!

Is he kidding?

No. Now you've

upset Randolph.

Randolph?

Randolph?

You got to be kidding me.

I know a Randy Dupree.

I do not know a Randolph.

Did it ever occur to you

that maybe he prefers

to be called Randolph?

No, Molly,

it never occurred to me.

You know, the guy writes

some bullshit poetry

and suddenly he's

got a brand-new name.

That's funny. Turns out

that's not the only thing

he writes.

Apparently, he is a whiz

at thank-you notes!

He told you about that?

It just kind of slipped out.

Oh, I bet it just

kind of slipped out.

Guy stabs his best friend

in the back. He's getting

drunk with his wife.

What can I say, Carl?

I'm kind of fun

to get drunk with.

Maybe you should

try it sometime, because

I'm here every night!

Molly, I'd be delighted to

try it sometime, but unlike

your friend, Dupree,

I've got a job!

And what was with

the groomsman shirt?

That was a one-time deal,

Molly.

He was trying to

look nice for you.

And why are you

coming down on Dupree?

He's the one who

went through all this effort

to cook low carb for you.

You didn't even

bother to show up.

Low carb?

What the hell does that mean?

You know, he's on the whole

health kick with the bicycling

and Lance Armstrong.

So he's just trying

to help you out.

He's trying to help me out?

That's a laugh, Molly.

I'm the one who put

a goddamn roof over his head!

One. We put the roof

over his head.

And A. I mean,

you haven't really been

taking care of yourself.

I can't remember

the last time you exercised.

And how many Twinkies

have you had today?

What are you talking about?

Oh, Carl, please.

There's, like,

a million Twinkie wrappers

on the floor of your car.

You're not fooling anybody.

All right. All right.

So I admit it,

I enjoy one occasionally.

Is there something

so wrong with that?

And, Molly, look,

I am under a great

deal of stress.

What do you want from me?

Wait a minute.

Is this the kind of thing

that turns you on?

Oh, Carl!

Is this what turns you on?

Come on, Molly.

I was reading

an article on Oprah.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry

I can't be one of your

boy-band flavor of the weeks.

With their enhanced

frosted tips

and their washboard bellies

and their hairless backs!

What's happening to us, Carl?

I don't know what's happening

to you, Molly, but apparently

I'm getting fat!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Nice. Looks like

somebody's tired of getting

sand kicked in their face.

Good job. Good to see you

living strong, buddy.

Please. Would you

listen to yourself?

You get your first

ten-speed bike, and suddenly

you're Lance Armstrong.

Let's leave

Lance out of this.

Guy's done more

with one testicle than

you and I can do with three.

Now, listen.

I know you're under

a lot of pressure at work

and you and Molly

are having some trouble.

Trouble? No.

I wasn't having any trouble

until you arrived, Randolph.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means.

No, I don't.

You sold me out

with those thank-you notes.

And what's with this

Roman Holiday obsession?

I know you, Dupree.

Your favorite movie's Fletch:

No, sir. No, it's not.

Fletch is in my top five.

It's not my favorite.

What's with the poetry?

I think you're trying

to show me up.

Maybe I like poetry.

Did that ever occur to you?

Listen, if I got to be

the lovable fuckup all my life

to win your best friend prize,

maybe you should

keep your award.

I've got news for you, Dupree.

You're not that lovable.

I'm gonna pretend

you didn't say that, Carl.

Goodbye, Mr. Grumpy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

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