You, Me and Dupree Page #8

Sugar.

Top shelf, behind the honey.

Where?

Top shelf, behind the honey.

Oh, yeah.

DUPREE:

You got to reach for it.

MOLLY:
Okay.

Yeah, right there.

Oh, God.

You gotta reach.

Right there.

I'm reaching.

Oh, goodness.

(MOLLY WHINING)

Right there.

There's the sugar.

Right behind the honey.

Right there. You got it?

I got it.

Why do you do this to me?

Got it.

So good.

Bye, honey.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Yes.

Is Mandy there, please?

Is this Dupree

calling again?

Yes, this is Dupree again.

Get it through your head:

Mandy does not want to

talk to you, okay?

Okay, yeah,

just tell her that I called.

Good night:

Thank you.

Looks like we're going

camping again, Murphy.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, God!

Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I didn't know

you were down here.

No, it's my fault.

What in the hell is going on?

Nothing, honey. It's fine.

Nothing. Nothing.

Are you naked again?

No, no, no, it's fine.

We talked about this!

I know we did. Yes.

Everyone's asleep,

and here's lonely old Dupree

just waling away on himself.

You weren't waling away

on yourself. It...

God! An animal wouldn't

debase himself thus.

What is happening to me?

Is this one of

my tube socks?

Carl, please.

Answer the question!

Oh, my God.

Mine were dirty.

Carl, stop it! Relax.

Wait a minute.

What are you even

doing down here, Molly?

Are you serious?

It's a simple question.

I couldn't sleep.

I'm getting a broom.

This is rock bottom.

I was doing so good.

Wasn't I doing good, Carl?

Huh, buddy?

But, Dupree,

where did you find this?

(WHISPERING) Oh.

I got it from that box marked

"Carl's camping equipment"

in the garage.

You put the box away,

didn't you?

Yes. Yes.

I didn't realize you were

such an outdoorsman, Carl.

MOLLY:
Asian Assault?

Molly, let me explain.

That one was in the wrong

section at the video store.

Oh,

you're gonna lie to my face.

I thought it was

a kung fu movie

with Bruce Lee.

Okay. Pacific Rim Job:

CARL:
No idea.

All right. That one

I kind of knew about.

Oh, Beijing Bang Bang?

Carl! Is this what

our marriage has come to?

Lies and all these

Chinese fetish videos?

I'm just curious.

All right. I admit, Molly,

that I was into Asian porn

for a little while.

But it was just a phase.

Anyway, why am I the one

who's on trial here?

He's in there starching

my sock, and you don't

even bat an eyelash.

Because I'm not

married to him!

I am married to you.

Do something with that.

(DOG BARKING)

Is there anything worse

than having to throw away

your porn collection?

What's going on

with you and Molly?

What?

You heard me.

Are you in love with my wife?

Have you lost your mind?

What are you talking about?

Dupree. Dupree,

just answer the question.

Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta.

I'm not gonna...

That's a sick question.

How come you can't answer it?

I'm not going to answer

because it doesn't

deserve an answer.

How could you ask me

something like that?

You're very clever, Dupree.

You're living in my house.

You're going to town

on yourself in my living room.

And now you're

moving in on my wife.

What?

You think you got it

all figured out,

but I'm on to you,

and you're out of here!

Oh, no. Hold on.

You're not throwing me

out of here.

I'll leave!

Good!

And while you're at it,

leave the flask

and the groomsman's outfit.

But you gave those to me.

Those were gifts.

All right!

You know, keep those.

All those were gifts.

But leave the insignia.

Because that was

for my best man.

Hey. It's for the best.

The guy would have been

living off us forever.

Dinner is at 7:
30,

and my father will

be here at 7:
00, so...

Molly.

With all things considered,

do you think that maybe

tonight isn't the best night

to have your father

over for dinner?

Carl. Carl.

Please don't be late.

Please.

So, I hear the albacore

are really biting

this time of year.

It's not albacore season,

Carl.

Oh. Really?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'll get that.

It's right over here.

Hello.

(SHUSHING) Hold on.

Hey. Hey, Carl. Carl.

It's Neil.

Did you actually throw away

your porn collection?

Look, Neil,

I'm having a dinner party.

I'm coming to get it.

Going to Starbucks! Be back!

(DOG BARKING)

Carl, I read

your new presentation.

And how would you feel about

Tony taking it from here?

What?

I hope you guys aren't

talking business now.

Let's keep it at the office.

No, no, no, not at all.

No, we were...

Oh, my God.

Is that Mom's crab cakes?

They sure are.

Rabbit, come here.

Excuse me.

Come here, rabbit.

They look exactly like Mom's.

I can't believe it.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead.

Give it to Tony. Tony. Yeah.

Yeah. Want to give it to Tony?

Yeah, I have a pretty goddamn

big problem with that.

Is that what you're saying?

You'd be demoting me?

Tony deserves it!

Give it to Tony!

Do you think I care? Go ahead.

What are you doing?

Son of a...

Huh?

Your father's got it

out for me.

Oh, Carl!

No, no, no!

CARL:
You know he asked me

to get a vasectomy?

MOLLY:
What?

He's crazy!

Carl, first of all,

this is my father

you're talking about!

He's irrational.

(GROANING)

Who...

You want...

(CRASHING)

What was that?

Oh, my God.

(GROANING)

You. What the hell?

Oh, my God. Dupree!

What did I tell you?

Molly, don't.

I'm okay. I just slipped

on the drainpipe.

Come on.

Let's get in the house.

I didn't want to

bother you guys.

Put him out by the curb!

Carl.

Why am I getting blamed

for everything?

What's going on here, Carl?

Daddy, will you please

grab Dupree's things?

I was just trying

to get my stuff.

What?

You know, Molly, I don't know

that I really have time

for dinner. I might just...

You know, I really

don't want to impose.

Here.

Maybe I... I know, but I...

No. You're staying.

You're gonna eat something.

It's fine. You're eating.

Here, have some salad.

It's good.

I put a little extra

balsamic like you like it.

Thanks. Thanks.

Eat something.

Well, it does look tasty.

Thank you.

DUPREE:
Sir?

That's a beautiful

Schwinn bike you got

out there, Dupree.

Thank you. Although it's not

exactly state-of-the-art.

It's about 25 years old,

so sometimes I feel like

it's tough to keep up with

the other riders on the road.

Now, I don't buy that.

Did you read

Lance Armstrong's book,

It's Not About the Bike?

The bike. Touch.

And it's true.

It isn't about the bike.

It's about here.

It's about your heart.

And that's the truth.

And I've said it to Carl.

If you...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Did you see his seventh win?

The final one?

DUPREE:
The last one?

I watched every stage.

Carl. Get the phone.

THOMPSON:
Me, too.

I've watched every

single one of those races.

DUPREE:
Did you ever cry?

THOMPSON:
Oh, yeah.

I defy you to watch

that and not cry.

Daddy? Excuse me.

Could you pass

the wine, please?

DUPREE:

What color was your bike?

Hello.

Hey, Carl.

Hey, hey. It's Neil.

Okay, so is it in,

like, the garbage,

or did you recycle it?

Listen, you sleazebag.

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