You, Me and Him Page #8

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And then, they'd leave me there.

All night, sometimes.

I just... I'd swing about a bit.

Come crashing down.

Mess up my back some more.

- Sounds painful.

- Oh, yep.

Oh, yeah. [SNIFFS]

Then now... I'm the one causing

the pain.

Breaking the ladies' heart.

Left, right, center, So...

I can get anyone I want.

You know who I couldn't get?

Okay, well...

Technically, you did get Alex,

so I don't know if this little

story is really working.

No, all I got Alex was blind

drunk.

I've loved her since I first

saw her.

Since she shouted at me for directing

the Jehovah's witness' to your door.

To me, she was it.

And it...

loves only you.

Alex is...

100% bona fide carpet muncher...

and your carpet...

is the only one...

she wants to munch.

That was very sweet for about a

second.

You know, she redecorated

the spare room...

for the baby.

I didn't know that.

[SIGHS]

- I was just so scared.

- I know you were. I was too.

I really wanted to be a dad.

Could you settle for uncle?

- C'mon.

- John, wait.

Wait, John. John, John, John, John, John.

I'm not just...

John, please. I can feel your

beard.

- Darling, where you're going?

- I'm going home.

- Are you trying to run?

- Yeah.

- [OLIVIA] That is the general idea.

- Why?

It just feels like a...

running kind of moment.

She's going to get the

love of her, and my life.

- [SUE] Really?

- Sounds complicated.

That tummy rather kills romance

doesn't it, darling?

Ah! Yes.

It does. It does.

Thank you, Mummy.

- Cup of tea before you go?

- I mean, we probably have time.

John!

[DOOR SHUTS]

[PANTING]

It is a toe ring but I'm

gonna get you a proper ring.

Alex...

I want to marry you.

Because I do love it all.

If you're a stoner,

or an artist or...

a bloody astronaut. I don't care.

You're you.

You're so kind, and so great,

and just... Just...

You're just a great person, Alex

and obviously,

by the way, you're so much

better than an astronaut.

And... But actually, you're better

than anyone I can think of,

so I'm going to stop waffling

and beg you. Alex...

please be with me forever.

- "You're better than an

astronaut?" -[CHUCKLES]

I'm still not that great

at proposing or...

- to be fair, that great at any of it.

- I don't think either of us are.

- What?

- I think I've just burst.

[SIGHS]

- [SCREAMS] John!

- He's in the car.

'Course, he is.

- Go slow, go slow, go slow.

- Breathe.

I'll just be here.

You don't have to come.

I know.

Right, Miss Miller, let's prove

geriatrics can still have kids, okay?

- [LAUGHS] That's my joke.

- [HEAVY BREATHING]

Right. I do not want to be down here

for too long so c'mon now, push!

[OLIVIA YELLING]

[BABY CRYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Cake, you two?

- We've already had a ton of cake.

[OLIVIA] Right.

This one is without the hash.

[GIGGLES]

Cake?

- No, thank you.

- Beats the office, eh, Charles?

- Too bloody hot in here.

- Or not.

Ben, will you please have some

of our mother's cake?

I actually think masculinity is

overrated, personally. Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello, my sweet boy.

Upsy-daisy.

[OLIVIA] Some days, I'm a good

mother.

Some days, I'm a bit of a crap

one.

["B*TCH" PLAYING]

[JOHN] How was your first

Christmas, eh?

[OLIVIA] Alex and I never did

get married.

After everything that had happened,

it didn't seem important.

It's no longer about all those

labels.

I'm simply about you, me and

him.

Your mammalian roots...

okay? Just have some respect

for those.

Has anyone ever seen

an elephant give birth?

No? Oh, you have to see that,

that's amazing.

Has anyone seen a chimpanzee

give birth?

No? Has anyone seen, like, a

family pet?

- Or...

- Yeah.

Uh, gerbil.

John?

Seriously, John?

This is part of the problem.

We are so disconnected

from our natural history.

That we believe that birth is not

for us but you know everybody,

everybody eats, everybody

shits...

[LAUGHING]

- What was that for?

- It was an accident.

- [SCREAMS]

- Oh, no.

Oh, no. The baby. The baby. The baby.

The baby. The baby. The baby. The baby.

The baby. The baby. The baby.

The baby. No! No!

Bit of a handful, I'd imagine.

- Would you consider divorce or...

- [CLEARS THROAT] Um...

Yeah, probably don't

wanna talk about it...

like here... with you...

One of those open

relationships, is it?

[SIGHING]

- So nice to catch up.

- It really is. What a... What a treat.

To see you and it...

Just you...

Um, just...

I think I've got a ladybird in

my ear.

- That's it. Um. Um, yeah, yeah.

- Oh!

- [WOMAN] Cut!

- Sorry.

I actively hope that baby's not mine.

I will punch you right in the boob.

You make me sick.

[LAUGHS] Please say cut!

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

[ALEX] Look, babe!

[EXHALING HEAVILY]

[ALEX] Look!

[HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING]

I'm sorry to interrupt.

What's happening? I want a part of this.

This looks like fun.

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