You Kill Me Page #3

than you realize.

Do you mind if I ask what you do?

I sell time.

I thought that

was still free.

Only on PBS, and even then

you've got to buy a tote bag.

You lost me again.

Commercial time

for Channel 8.

I was the Bay Area's

top selling rep last year.

They gave me a plaque

to hang on the wall.

Hey, congratulations.

It's not like the advertisers

had any choice.

The word "no" means nothing to me.

- I should tell you something.

- You're gay.

I'm in AA.

I just started.

I'm raw.

Oh.

Well, are you okay?

I mean, you're not gonna

run out right now

and get wrecked, are you?

- No. I'm fine.

- Well, okay then.

As long as you're not gay.

Thanks for telling me.

It doesn't bother you?

- You said you just started, right?

- Right.

- How many people have you told?

- So far...

- you.

- Why me?

I don't know.

It seemed important

to start off honest.

That doesn't

bother me at all.

Besides, if I had to deal with dead

bodies all day, I'd be drinking too.

Oh, I'm okay

with the dead bodies.

"I came to believe

that a power

greater than myself

could restore me to sanity."

Thank you.

- Do you believe in God?

- I went to First Communion.

Think that's

the last time I saw Him.

Well, uh,

it doesn't have to be

the guy on the cross

or a golden calf.

You know, it can be anything.

It's a God of your understanding.

You know, you can

make it a mountain,

make it a bridge,

make it whatever you want.

Just make it something big,

something good and not yourself.

I generally like

to run my own show.

Yeah, you've done

a real good job of that so far.

- Thank you.

- Even if I did believe in God,

I'm not so sure he'd want to have

anything to do with me.

Oh, the alcoholic's God

is a very forgiving God, Frank.

He's got to be.

I kill people.

- Excuse me?

- It's my job.

I've been doing it

almost my whole life.

I mean, I get

paid to do it.

I don't just

pick 'em randomly.

In any case,

I don't feel much guilt about it.

My drinking was interfering

with my work.

That's why I'm here,

so I can get sober

and go back to killing

people full time.

- Did you hear what I said?

- I did hear you.

I'm just trying to figure out

if you're being serious or not.

- What do you think?

- I think you're being serious.

Hello, my...

I hope this

doesn't scare you off.

Hey, I gave you a 20.

No, I...

I just want to know

that it's not something

you do for recreation.

No, it's not.

Hey, you gave me

the wrong change.

Are you drunk

when you do this?

Not always.

But sometimes

I couldn't go drinking

'cause I had

to kill somebody.

And sometimes

I'd miss killing somebody

'cause I was out drinking.

To think I was, uh,

nervous about you

going on a date.

- Hello.

- Yeah?

- My change.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

- What'd you give me?

- Just keep it.

I don't know

how you do this.

- Hello.

- I'm just waiting for my wife.

- She's trying on bikinis in there.

- Stef.

Really, I have to tell her

if she looks good or not.

No. You have to

stay out here.

- Where are you?

- At the mall.

So why are you

calling me?

Hey, remember when you

had to go to Florida for six months

after that

Canadian thing?

- Yeah.

- How was that for kids? Did...

- did they have a pool?

- What's going on, Stef?

Pam and Daniel are going

down there for a while.

You're not

going with them?

They have to go.

I have to stay.

O'Leary's being

an a**hole.

Watch your back.

They might come after you.

- You want me to come home?

- Nah, forget it.

You're out,

stay out...

Yeah, Stef,

but I should be there.

Guess I just wanted

to hear your voice.

Dupayash!

Yeah.

You're not pregnant,

are you?

Not unless you put

something in my egg roll.

And then put my

egg roll in my...

- Did I tell you where I lived?

- No, you didn't.

I called the funeral home.

Doris didn't

want to tell me.

Then I told her I was

from the AIDS clinic

and had to get you

your test results,

you know, right away.

Oh, good.

I can't wait

to see her.

Come on,

I'll walk with you.

You should try this.

It's easier on the shins.

So you're coming

to dinner at my house.

It's 9:
00 in the morning.

Can we make it later?

- Later, sure, but you'll be there.

- Okay.

- See you tonight then.

- Hey, wouldn't want

- to take me down the rest of the way?

- Maybe later.

Hi. How are

the dead this morning?

Shut up.

- I'm in a good mood, okay?

- Not on my time.

Who's this?

- Patrick Heaney.

- What happened?

Well, Mr. Heaney

had a heart attack

on top of a long

flight of stairs.

Ouch.

Yeah. Wake's tonight.

He's got to be flushed,

prepped and casketed by 4:00.

I look forward to working

with you, Dr. Rainford.

Jesus, you're annoying

when you're happy.

Now that is one

good-looking dead man.

Ah! I'm drinking that.

Sorry.

He hasn't looked

that alive in years.

I was working

from old pictures.

- You did this?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

God bless you.

You did good work here.

I'm Walter Fitzgerald.

Frank Falenczyk.

Patrick here

was my wife's brother.

She's taking it pretty hard.

- I can see that.

- Would you have a drink with us, Frank?

No, thank you.

I'm trying to quit.

I tried that once.

Didn't take.

When did you start?

- Not too long ago.

- What's the difference then?

- Have a nip.

- No, really. Thank you.

You'd refuse a dying man

his last request?

Sorry.

You dying?

For f***'s sake,

I'm talking about Patrick.

That's what this

party's all about...

sending him on his way.

Thank you. Really.

I can't.

I'm working.

I got to keep

an eye on things.

He's not going anywhere.

Ah, Katie!

This is Frank

from the parlor.

He's who fixed up

our Patrick all nice like this.

Oh, God bless you.

Oh, that's nice.

Margie Rose.

Margie, look.

This is the man who

fixed Patrick's cheekbones.

Aw, bless your heart.

Will you have a drink

with us, Frank, huh?

- Uh, really, I shouldn't.

- Says he's on the wagon.

Really? What is he,

some kind of Mary?

To Patrick!

May neighbors

respect you,

troubles neglect you,

the angels protect you

and Heaven accept you.

To Patrick, the biggest

pain in my ass!

And the best friend I could have ever

thought of having.

To Patrick!

To Patrick!

Na zdorovya!

Na zdorovya!

Whoa, hey!

Get this man

another drink!

Douchebag.

Cocksucker.

Fuckhead.

Who wants to give me a ride?

We're taking the bus home.

Walter will come and pick up

the car in the morning...

- after Mass.

- Aw, for f***'s sake.

Come on!

I'll drive your car.

I can walk home from there.

You don't know

where we live.

Nonsense, nonsense!

The bus is for cripples

and old people.

All right, okay.

Left is your brakes, right is your gas

and everything

else is the same.

Right.

It's all right.

Think you could pull over maybe?

I've got the bladder

of an 80-year-old man.

Walter, we're almost home.

- You can hold it.

- Would you like to hold it for me?

Francis, pull over.

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