Zmd: Zombies Of Mass Destruction Page #5

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one of them.

No, no, no. Have no fear, friends,

for we have history's greatest

zombie on our side,

Jesus Christ.

Mr. Miller, Joe, Joe, I'm not a terrorist.

I am not a terrorist.

I'm your neighbor. Joe?

Joe! Joe!

- Silence!

- No! No!

- Jesus Christ!

- Brian. For God's sake!

All right, Frida,

you got one more shot at this.

Now what the f*** is going on?

You're out of your f***ing mind.

That's what's going on.

Come on, Frida. Let's hear it, baby.

Come on!

- God!

- Sh*t! My bad.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Okay, everyone. If you could just

grab a seat, I'll give you all a status report.

As you know, we are under siege

by a gang of flesh-hungry cannibals.

- Hey, are you all right?

- Sure.

- But I think we're gonna miss the last ferry.

- Yeah.

- Speaking of fairy, how's my straight act?

- Yeah, good.

You've gone from a Richard Simmons

to a Tom Cruise.

We've got at least a makeshift weapon

for everyone,

including a couple of guns

that Larry saw fit to bring to church.

Hey, I come prepared, honey.

I'll donate what I have,

except for little Billy, here.

I absolutely condemn the use of guns,

so please, be careful.

You betcha.

There's only one other matter we need to

attend to, and that is Mayor Burton.

I think it's become pretty obvious

that Mayor Burton has the zombie sickness,

- and I, for one, think that we should...

- Wait a minute, Cheryl.

I can personally attest to the Mayor's purity

and strength of his everlasting soul.

Reverend Haggis,

I'm not attacking Mayor Burton's character

or validity of your theory.

I'm just saying, look at him.

He's got yellow eyes.

- I've got glaucoma.

- Gray skin.

- I've got eczema.

- I'm not suggesting anything drastic here.

I'm just saying that we should employ

a little quarantine until we know

- whether or not you...

- Just a minute. I built this town.

I've been mayor since this island

was a couple of cabins and a campground.

I'm scandal-free.

My closets have no skeletons.

- Again, I am not attacking your character...

- What have you accomplished?

A failed marriage. Your students' test

scores drop lower and lower every year.

- You could be a lesbian for all we know.

- Mayor Burton, listen to yourself!

You're tarnishing the reputation

of one of our best teachers

just so you can stay out of quarantine.

I mean, you're clearly a grunt away

from becoming one of them,

and you wanna sit there

and put the rest of us in danger.

Yeah, motherf***er!

How your retarded ass got to be mayor

is beyond me!

B*tch!

My God! Did you hear that echo?

That was great. I just called him b*tch.

That was f***ing awesome.

Sh*t, here he comes. F*** him up, Tom.

Son, can I just ask you

to unzip your jacket?

Let's stick to the issue.

- Hal, no. No.

- Hiding something there, Tom?

I'm with him, huh?

I'm with him.

Folks, this here is a war.

On one side, you've got your pure.

On the other,

sinners soon to become zombies.

And we all gotta take sides.

What side are you on, Tom?

- Throw the faggots out!

- Throw the faggots out!

- Quiet.

- They don't belong here.

- Quiet down.

- Get the faggots out of here.

Now, shame on you.

- How dare you?

- Haggis.

No, Hal.

This is absolutely wrong.

They are children of God.

You're as bad as those monsters outside.

Shame. Shame on every one of you.

We just have to convert them.

Dad? Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad.

Jelly belly?

Frida!

I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I left.

- That's okay.

- I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

Dad, everyone's dead. Derek's dead.

You're right.

I ran every street to find you.

Now I can rest.

It's all over.

- Everything I worked for.

- No.

- It's all gone.

- It's okay.

Everything will still be standing

when this is over.

The pizza man tries to get even,

but I took care of him.

The boy is fired.

You know it.

No. No, boys, don't worry.

We don't even use

the electric coils anymore.

- Electric coils?

- No, it is totally humane. Really.

We have some footage of

homosexual images, which you'll watch,

and we'll inject you with an IV drip...

- I'm right behind you.

...which will make you nauseous.

No.

Boys, I'm sorry, I'm not very good

at explaining the conversion machine,

but it works. I swear it works.

- And it's absolutely painless.

- Look, we'll just go, okay?

- We'll just...

- No. No. No, I can't let you go outside.

It's too dangerous out there.

Look, this is the same machine we used

on Gary Prince. You remember him, Tom?

He was a perfect angel

when we were done with the treatment.

Oh, God!

That's the spirit! Now if you'll just

follow me to the conversion room.

Room? You have a conversion room?

Well, it's my office, actually. But when

we're done, you'll be like one of us.

- You'll be free.

- Stop struggling, fruit lips.

- It's for your own good.

- Ted, I am not gonna let you

torture those boys.

Open this door! Let me in!

Damn you! Let me in!

Hal?

- Hal?

- Open this door!

- Hal.

- You bastards! Let me in!

Hal, you wanna help me with Cheryl?

Reverend Haggis, please, have mercy.

Just let us out of here.

We'll be fine on our own, I swear.

You're all going straight to hell!

- You cocksucking motherfuckers!

- You just need to calm down.

When we are done here,

you are gonna know a life that is free

of the hardships of persecution and sin.

I feed off of persecution and sin!

There is so much more.

I am so excited. I haven't used this thing

since the glory days.

This is in case you vomit.

Hit him.

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.

This?

This is homoerotic?

You see, it's working already.

Open the door!

- Hal?

- Let me in!

You look under the weather, Hal.

Hal, hear that?

You don't look so good, Hal.

Would you like another cough drop?

All right, nobody move. Hands up!

I'll shoot him.

I swear on my mother's good name,

I'll paint these walls with his brains.

All right.

Number one, Clive, you untie Lance.

Then Haggis, number two,

open that door and let Miss Banks in.

All right. Everybody over in that corner.

Move. Move.

They're here to save us. It's over.

It's all over.

Come on, guys. Move.

No, Hal.

Hal.

- Forget it, Reverend. It's too late.

- No.

No, I can convert him, too.

The power of Christ can do anything.

I think we have some unfinished business

to attend to.

B*tch!

This time,

you're not gonna get away from me.

Frida!

Frida.

Frida, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Frida.

Frida. Frida!

Frida, I'm sorry. Please. Please, Frida.

- I forgive you.

- Frida, I'm sorry. I lost it, okay?

There's nothing wrong with you.

Frida!

No, get back, you f***ers.

Get back you dirty f***ers.

Hal, think about all we've done together.

We've worked together hard

to make this a better place.

Remember, Hal. Remember.

You wanna pray?

The power of Christ compels you to...

God, forgive me. I tried.

Oh, God. Get it off!

Here.

- No. No. No.

- Yeah, I know. Just take it.

No.

Miss Banks. Miss Banks!

Miss Banks!

Don't shoot. I'm gay.

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