Zmd: Zombies Of Mass Destruction Page #4

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F***!

God, she was, like, eight.

Come on, yeah!

We've got to hole up somewhere.

- We can't keep this up.

- It's dying, it's dying.

- Let's go.

- Okay, this way.

Mr. Lucio, you gotta let us in.

Come on, there are zombies.

- No, no, no, don't shoot. Please, let us in.

- Don't, don't, just open the door.

- Please let us in.

- What are you doing?

- Open the door!

- What are you doing?

- Come on.

- Mr. Lucio.

What?

You homophobe.

Oh, say, can you see

by the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed

at the twilight's last gleaming...

No, no, no! It's a C for sh*t's sake.

Okay, Frida,

assuming I'm calling you by your real name.

I want you to eat this ham.

- Where did you get...

- You hesitated.

No, no, no. Okay, I'll eat it. I'll eat it. Just...

Sh*t. Did that count?

Why the f*** would terrorists choose

to attack Port Gamble?

Exactly, why would terrorists

attack Port Gamble?

- Right. Why?

- That's what I'm asking you.

- No, that's what I'm answering.

- No, no, I'm the one who should...

You should say... Get out of my head!

You're cunning as a cheetah, girl.

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm gonna get what I need.

- Watch her, I'll be right back.

- Dad. Holy sh*t,

if you're gonna torture her, I am not just

gonna sit there and let it happen.

Just showing her the torture device

ought to do it.

Do what?

She'll just admit to whatever you tell her to.

- Exactly.

- But if she has nothing to admit to...

You are not gonna deter me

from my God-given right as an American.

- Dad, you're from Canada.

- Not anymore.

Just try to think of it

from Frida's perspective.

Safety first, Brian. Work shed.

What did you do to my Frida?

Frida! Where are you, sweetheart?

Derek, Derek Blaine? Come.

Come to Daddy, you f***ing piece of sh*t!

Casey!

No, Casey. No, Casey. No!

No!

Where is Frida, God damn it?

Can you speak English?

Casey.

You son of a b*tch.

This is for you, Frida!

Get away from me, you zombies.

- Miss Banks, over here.

- Come on, over here.

- Come on.

- Come on.

Come on.

B12, B12, Vitamin B12,

ladies and gentlemen.

Anybody, Vitamin B12.

How many sheets, dearie.

You got to be kidding, lady.

There's zombies and sh*t outside.

- Guys, help me! Help me.

- Come on.

Did you not just hear me, man? Zombies.

You can't go out there, sir.

You don't understand.

I think I do. Good evening, gentlemen.

No, no, no.

Don't go out there. No, no.

Mrs. Rutherford,

and how does the evening find you?

I'll tell you, old girl, I hope I'm not being

too forward. If you...

That's my blood.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Mr. Weatherbee needs our help.

You cannot go out there, Reverend.

You cannot.

Reverend, turn on the outside lights.

All right, everyone stay calm.

- Stay away from the windows.

- And dim the lights.

Bingo night has been canceled.

- We're gonna need some hammers.

- And boards.

Thank you, Mayor,

I think I know what this is.

- I've got to consult some tomes.

- Tomes?

Wikipedia. I'll be right back.

There's cookies on the back table

and lemon drink.

Oh, God. Brian, oh, God, come on.

You've known me since we were kids.

It doesn't make any sense.

Frida, just play along with him

or something.

- Play along? I'm supposed to sit here...

- He's just trying to scare you.

- He won't actually do anything.

- No f***ing way, Brian.

- He's all talk.

- Just let me go. Please, just let me go.

- Just tell him what he wants to hear.

- What? That I am a terrorist?

That I got a f***ing

ticking zombie bomb in my bra?

There is no right answer for him.

You're right.

So, why don't you just let me go?

Come on, set me free.

I want to be free, Brian.

I mean, we're neighbors, right?

And I've always felt, like, something

around you,

and I know that we haven't played fort

or hung out or anything like that,

but I've been watching you.

Seriously.

I even saw that play that you invited me to.

So...

So, do you think that...

I don't know, that you think

that maybe you and I...

Yeah. Yeah,

but not if your dad f***ing tortures me.

Right? So, here, get me out.

Just let me go. Come on, come on.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Come on, come on.

Don't you think it would be a good idea

if those demons would just

feed upon one another?

I know, I know, honey, but just hang tight.

I'll come for you in the morning, promise.

Well, just apply pressure to it.

Yeah, I know, Mom. Yes, Mom, I know.

Now look, they're totally blowing it

way out of proportion. It's not...

Yeah, just trust me, we're cool. It's fine.

"Did Tom come out?"

That is a fantastic question.

Let me think about that for a sec.

Kind of. He sort of did.

We kind of got interrupted by his mom.

Oh, God, you should have been there.

For this one part, he was, like,

"I suck dick, Mom." He was so... It was cute.

He was good. He was funny.

Okay. All right, love. Later, babe.

Hey, just while we're here,

will you try to act straight?

- Like what? Like how? What?

- Straight.

You know, straight.

'Cause that's straight, right?

- Well, straighter than you.

- Damn straight, you're straighter than me,

- but I still love you.

- No, no, no.

Brothers and sisters,

the Mayor and I would like to

take this opportunity

to welcome the newcomers to our church

and to Armageddon.

This is it. This is Judgment Day.

This is the day that I've been

telling you about all my life.

It's a time when Christ will separate

the righteous

from the sinners,

and the pure will inherit the earth.

Make no mistake, folks.

It is not a coincidence that Judgment Day

fell upon us when we were all here,

safe in His house of worship.

Because out there are the sinners.

The Unitarians, the gays, the pro-choicers

the doomed, the demons

that have resided in their souls

have emerged to possess their minds

and their bodies.

This is the night where

Christ will come down...

What about my brother?

Casey was a good man,

one of your most devoted followers,

and now he's

one of them.

And you're saying it's because he's evil?

It's probably an environmental illness

from all the toxins in Port Gamble.

I mean, think about it,

sweats, gray skin, runny noses?

Miss Banks. Cheryl.

Casey was a good man.

But his closet is not without

a skeleton or two.

- Isn't that true?

- You son of a b*tch.

Couldn't it be possible that Casey's virus

was not the result

of some scientific mumbo jumbo?

But in fact, took hold

because Casey's life was filled

- with sin and misdeeds.

- Look, we do not have time for this.

We have to zombie-proof this entire area.

Larry, Tom, Lance,

board up all the windows.

These things could break

right through the glass.

Mrs. Happenstance, Clive,

take an inventory of our food supply.

How long can we stay alive in here? Go.

Miss Banks is absolutely right.

But she's forgotten one important step.

We have to zombie-proof our souls.

We have to free ourselves

of every last trace of sin.

I will absolve each of you

to make sure you do not become

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