Zoolander Page #2

and "incredibly chiseled features..."

To me, that's like a vanity,

a self-absorption...

that I try to steer clear of...

I dig the bungee... For me,

it'sjust the way I live my life...

I grip it and I rip it...

I live it with a lot offlair...

I live it on the edge,

where I gotta be...

I wasn 't like every other kid,

who dreams about being an astronaut...

I was always more interested in what

bark was made out of on a tree...

Richard Gere's

a real hero of mine... Sting...

Sting would be another person

who 's a hero...

The music that he's created...

I don 't really listen to it...

But the fact that he's making it,

I respect that...

I care desperately about what I do...

Do I know what

product I'm selling? No...

Do I know what I'm doing today? No...

But I'm here,

and I'm gonna give it my best shot...

Over the past decade...

male modeling has had a shadow

cast over it by one man...

and five syllables...

Der-ek Zoo-lan-der...

Modeling, to me, isn 't just

about being good-looking...

or having a lot of fun and

being really, really good-looking...

The calender was great...

because it gave people a chance

to see a side of my versatility...

The original Greek word for model

means "misshapen ball of clay..."

and I try to think about that every

time I get in front of a camera...

Three-time Male Model ofthe Year...

And the award goes to...

Hansel.

Thank you, Lenny.

Wow!

You know, a lot of people said

winning this award...

four years in a row

couldn't happen.

Well, I guess I showed...

I think we've found

our solution, Ballstein.

No, not Derek.

He's perfect, and you know it.

Now make it happen.

I stings me like a fissure

in my ass, but you're right.

He's ready.

Who am I?

I don't know.

I guess I have

a lot of things to ponder.

Hey, the results are in, amigo!

What's left to ponder?

Nice comeback!

I can't stand Hansel!

I know, right? Riding in

on that scooter like he's so cool.

- And the way Hansel combs his hair.

- Or, like, doesn't.

It's like, "ex-squeeze" me, but

have you ever heard of styling gel?

I'm sure Hansel's heard

of styling gel. He's a male model.

Earth to Brint.

I was making a joke.

Earth to Meekus.

Duh, okay? I knew that.

Earth to Brint.

I'm not so sure you did...

'cause you were all,

"I'm sure he's heard of styling gel"...

like you didn't know it was a joke.

I knew it was a joke, Meekus.

I just didn't get it right away.

- Earth to Brint...

- Would you guys stop it already!

Did you ever think that maybe

there's more to life...

than being really, really,

ridiculously good-looking?

Maybe we should be doing something

more meaningful with our lives.

Like helping people.

Uh, Derek, what people?

I don't know.

People who need help.

Models help people. They make them

feel good about themselves.

They also show them

how to dress cool...

and wear their hair

in interesting ways.

I guess so.

You know what could really help you

sort through these important issues?

What?

Orange mocha frappuccino!

Yeah!

Come on, man! Come on!

"Derek Zoolander: a model, idiot"

- Brint!

- Huh?

Rufus, Brint and Meekus

were like brothers to me.

And when I say brother, I don't

mean like an actual brother...

but I mean it like the way

black people use it...

which is more meaningful, I think.

If there's anything that this

horrible tragedy can teach us...

it's that a male model's life

is a precious, precious commodity.

Just because we have chiseled abs...

and stunning features...

it doesn't mean that we can't die

in a freak gasoline fight accident.

So today, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to take this opportunity...

to announce my retire...

Hansel.

He's so hot right now.

I would like to take this oppor...

People!

I'd like to announce my retirement

from the male modeling profession.

What?

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more

to life than being good-looking.

And I plan on finding out

what that is. Thank you.

Mr. Mugatu! Mr. Mugatu!

If I could just have

a moment of your time, please, sir.

Just one minute of your time,

please, sir!

- What do you want?

- I'm trying to talk to Mugatu...

but he's tougher to get to

than the president.

Oh, I thought you were gonna tell me

what a bad "eugoogolizer" I am.

A what?

A "eugoogolizer"'

One who speaks at funerals.

Or did you think I'd be too stupid

to know what a "eugoogoly" was?

How could you have written

those terrible things about me?

Derek, my editor

put that headline on it, okay?

I'm sorry. I know

it came off kind of harsh.

Yeah, well, fortunately foryou,

not too many people I know...

read your little Time magazine,

or whatever it's called.

Look, maybe you could do me a favor.

All I'm trying to do is get some

background information on Mugatu.

Mugatu? If you knew anything...

you know Mugatu's the one designer

who's never hired me.

Come on. There's gotta be...

Sorry, lady. Not interested.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got

an after funeral party to attend.

Go back home?

You're overreacting...

I want to do something meaningful

with my life, Maury...

I have deeper thoughts on my mind.

The other day, I was thinking

about volunteering...

to help teach underprivileged

children to learn how to read.

Just thinking about it was the most

rewarding experience I've ever had.

Derek, I don't think you're cut out

for that kind of thing.

I mean, maybe I could even have

my own institute.

We could call it the Derek Zoolander

Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good.

What about us?

We built this place together.

Look out! Tushy squeeze!

When I met you,

you were a junior petite...

who couldn't book

a goddamn Sears catalog...

and who couldn't turn left

to save his ass.

- Now look at you.

- I can turn left!

Yeah, right.

Please. Some male models go left

at the end of a runway...

others go right.

You got a lot of gifts, but hanging

a louie just isn't one of them.

Sit down!

Hey, you want to hear

some great news?

Mugatu wants you

for his new campaign.

Didn't you hear me, Maury?

I just retired.

But this is Mugatu, Derek.

Right now, this guy is so hot...

he can take a crap,

wrap it in tin foil...

put a couple of fishhooks on it...

and sell it to Queen Elizabeth

as earrings.

Derek, you're the laughing stock

of the entire fashion world.

What do we do

when we fall off the horse?

We get back on.

Sorry, Maury.

I'm not a gymnast.

I'm going back home. I need

to get in touch with my roots.

Figure out who I am.

See you around, Maury.

Hey, Pop!

It's me.

Scrappy, Luke...

you rememberyour brother, right?

What do you want?

I thought maybe I could work

the mines with you guys.

All the Zoolander men together

again, like when we were kids.

Times have changed. You wouldn't

last one day down those coal pits.

Can't you even pretend

to be happy to see me, Pop?

Damn it, Derek, I'm a coal miner,

not a professional television actor.

Do us all a favor

and get out of here.

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