Zoolander Page #3

Pop, wait, please!

Give me a chance.

I won't let you down.

I promise.

Hold very still. Very still.

I'm working right now. This...

- Ouch!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did my pin get in the way

of your ass?

Do me a favor and lose

five pounds immediately...

or get out of my building like now!

Get out!

I'm so tired!

No, Todd, not now!

It's Maury.

Tell me something good.

You may have to start

looking for someone else.

There is no one else.

The show is in ten days, Ballstein.

Jaco, I hearyou,

but the kid's mixed up.

He went home... He's talking

about going offto ponder...

and tutoring underprivileged

retards or some sh*t.

I don't care what it takes.

Get him back..

We're running out of time.

Capisce?

Yeah, I capisce...

Now if I could only "ca-piss"'

My prostate's flaring up

like a frickin' tiki torch.

Give me a little pee-pee.

Come on, a couple of drops.

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about!

Surprise!

What the hell's

the matter with you?

Pacheco back to pass...

He's feeling pressure from Pressman...

He's looking for his all-American

John De Rosa, the wide receiver...

He's got him wide open

in the middle ofthe field...

Big rush...

Who's winning the match?

Hits Kevin Conley,

the tight end down in there...

State.

I think I'm getting

the black lung, Pop.

It's not very well ventilated

down there.

For Christ's sake, Derek,

you've been down there one day.

Talk to me in 30 years.

Moisture is the essence

ofwetness...

and wetness is the essence

ofbeauty...

Why'd you have to come back

to this damn town?

I wanted to make

a new life for myself.

I'm sorry I was born

with this perfect bone structure.

That my hair looks better

done up with gel and mousse...

than hidden under a stupid hat

with a light on it!

All I ever wanted to do

was make you proud of me, Pop.

With what? Your male modeling?

Prancing around in your underwear

with your wiener hanging out?

You're dead to me, boy.

You're more dead to me

than your dead mother.

I just thank the Lord she didn't

live to see her son as a mermaid.

Mer-man.

Who am I?

Hello? Derek,you hearing me?

- God?

- God?

Wihat the sh*t are you talking about?

It's me... Maury...

I hope you're finished

touching your roots...

because Mugatu's making you

an offer you won 't believe...

You gotta get your took us back here...

Well, to tell you the truth,

I was a little hesitant at first.

I mean, you've never hired me

before, and I've been around...

For ages and ages.

You've been around for a long time.

I never wanted anything from you.

And now that you're retired,

I can't have you.

And it's funny

how it switches like that.

But now the forbidden fruit

must be tasted.

Well, when Maury told me

what you were willing to do, I...

Are you not aware that I get farty

and bloated with a foamy latte?

My mistake,Jacobim.

Your mistake indeed!

Yes, Derek.

What Maury said

I was willing to do foryou.

Let's get back to the reason

that we're really here.

Without much further ado,

I give you...

the Derek Zoolander Center

for Kids Who Can't Read Good.

What is this?

A center for ants?

What?

How can we be expected to teach

children to learn how to read...

if they can't even fit

inside the building?

- Derek, it's just a small...

- I don't want to hearyour excuses!

The center has to be at least...

three times bigger than this.

- He's absolutely right.

- Thank you.

I have a vision.

And so do I.

Let me show you mine.

I can't help you, lady...

I don't know nothing about Mugatu...

But you've represented every

male model in each of his campaigns.

You must have some kind

of a relationship with him.

Even if I did,

why would I talk to you?

Shame on you how you picked on

Derek Zoolander in that story.

He's a sweet simpleton

who never hurt a fly.

Please don't change the subject,

Mr. Ballstein.

What about Mugatu's exploitation

of sweatshop workers in Malaysia?

- Do you have an opinion on that?

- You wanna hear an opinion?

With a push-up bra, you could have

a nice rack of lamb going on there.

Let me show you

the future of fashion.

Let me show you...

Derelicte!

It is a fashion, a way of life...

inspired by the very homeless,

the vagrants...

the crack whores that make

this wonderful city so unique.

And I want you, Derek,

to be the face...

the image... nay,

the spirit of Derelicte!

It'll be your glorious comeback.

Sounds cool.

Derek, I'd like you to meet

Katinka Ingabogovinana.

She'll be your day-to-day

on the campaign.

Let's get this model on his way!

The big show

is in eight days, Derek...

Like a caterpillar

becomes a butterfly...

so must you become Derelicte!

So you want me

to sleep in the gutter?

No... Wie're sending you

to a very exclusive day spa...

So exclusive,

no one knows about it...

Our little secret, okay?

- Mati lda, hey.

- Hey, Arch, what's up?

Nothing. I've just

been up for a few days...

putting together these background

articles on Mugatu you asked for.

Very thorough, Archie.

Thank you.

It's weird. I couldn't get

any info on him before 1995.

It's like he just appeared

out of the blue.

- Really? That's strange.

- Yeah.

- Matilda Jeffries.

- Keep pulling the sweater.

- Excuse me?

- Eventually the thing will unravel...

You mean, if you pull the thread,

the whole thing will unravel?

Now you're talking, sister. If you

want to know more, go to Pier 12.

Things aren't what they seem.

What kind of spa is this?

It's designed

for deep, deep relaxation.

Come, let's get you loosened up.

Good boy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Matilda, what are you doing here?

I was...

What are you doing here, Derek?

I thought you quit the business.

Haven't you heard? I'm the new face

of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

What do you mean, Derek?

You said Mugatu never hires you.

Well, I guess he changed his mind.

It's the world's biggest campaign.

What is this? Who are you?

This is private property. Nils!

I suggest you and your Kmart

Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit...

stay the hell away

from Derek Zoolander.

How do you feel, Derek?

When's the seaweed wrap?

You shut up now.

I want you to relax...

and breathe deeply.

Breathe deeply.

- I like this song.

- Of course you do.

Wielcome to your relaxation time...

Let this wonderful

'80s classic soothe you...

Just a nice, warm, happy time...

Happy, happy...

Nothing to worry about at all...

Just relax...

Hey there, Derek...

My name is Lil' Kleatus...

I'm just a kid who wants you to know

the truth about child labor laws...

They're silly and outdated...

In the good old days...

kids as young as five

could work as they pleased...

from textile factories

to iron smelts...

Yippee! Hooray!

But today, the age-old right

of children to work is under attack...

From the Philippines to Bangladesh,

in China and India...

and South America too...

But you can help

these children, Derek...

by killing the prime minister

ofMalaysia...

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