Zoolander Page #4

- He is bad...

- What?

You learn martial arts...

Prime minister ofMalaysia bad!

Martial arts good!

Kill naughty man!

Obey my dog!

On the runway,

you have one objective...

Do not be distracted

by the beautiful celebrities...

Do as you've been trained to do and

kill the Malaysian prime minister!

Karate chop! Bad, man! Awful man!

In your little blue suit

and your spiky black hair... Kill!

And you're

a super-hot ninja machine!

- Derek, are you in there?

- Hold your horses!

- Derek, please open the door!

- What a cuckoo dream.

- What?

- Hey, are you okay?

I've been trying to reach you

for a week.

A week? What,

are you having a whack attack?

I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

That was last Friday.

Earth to Matilda.

I was at a day spa.

Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Look, I think I know

what this is about...

and I'm very complimented

but not interested.

- What?

- I can't sleep with you, okay?

- My head is killing me and...

- What are you talking about?

Okay, if you just want

to fool around a little bit...

Hey, I don't want to sleep with you!

I've been trying to tell you

you've been missing for a week.

Would you look at the date. Mugatu's

Derelicte show is tomorrow night.

I don't care what the date says.

You have 1,200 messages...

That is a bit above average.

- Derek, what happened in that spa?

- I don't know.

A little massage,

some aromatherapy.

I mean, look, lady, you can't just

come barging into people's lofts...

wanting sex,

then changing your mind...

then telling them that they've been

in a day spa for a week...

You have been in a day spa

for a week.

So what?

Do you understand that the world

does not revolve around you...

and your "do whatever it takes,

ruin as many people's lives"...

so long as you can make a name

foryourself as a journalist...

no matter how many friends

you lose...

or people you leave dead

and bloodied along the way...

just so long as you can make a name

foryourself as a journalist...

no matter how many friends

you lose...

or people you leave dead and

bloodied and dying along the way?

I told you I was sorry

about that article.

Enough! My head hurts!

And if it indeed is

what day you claim it is...

I have a pre-runway party

to attend, if you'll excuse me.

- By the way...

- What?

With your complexion...

you really shouldn't be wearing

your hair pulled back that tight.

What are you talking about?

It pulls back the skin

on your forehead...

creating a tension

which clogs the pores.

That's why you have some light

pattern dryness around your scalp.

Do you mind?

Cool.

I do not like snoopy reporter

with lack of fashion sense.

Not one little bit.

Not one little bit.

Hey, I just E-mailed you

all those searches...

on the male models who've

appeared in Mugatu campaigns.

It's pretty weird. It seems

like all of Mr. Mugatu's models...

have a bad habit of dying young

in freak accidents.

What?

- Wait a second.

- What?

- Oh, sh*t. I gotta go.

- What's going on?

I don't want to hang out, okay?

I just need to speak

with Derek Zoolander, please!

I just thought the way you handled

losing that award to Hansel...

and then you sort of laid low

for a while...

and then made your comeback...

It was so courageous.

Look, I gotta go pee...

but I'd really like to continue

talking about this conversation.

Yeah.

- Everything cool, Derek?

- It's great, Biff. Thank you.

Hey, Derek. You rule.

Thanks, Paris.

I appreciate that.

- Hey, Derek.

- Hey, Maurice.

- Hey, my man.

- What's happening?

Derek, back on top, man.

Thanks, Billy. You rock.

No, you rock. When are you gonna

drop Magnum on us, buddy?

Not yet. Gotta tame the beast

before you let it out of its cage.

- Excuse me, bra.

- You're excused.

And I'm not your bra.

Whatever, dude. Whatever.

Peace. God bless.

Hey, Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't

get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

Maybe next time.

What's that?

Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

Sorry you didn't book it.

Oh, yeah?

I've never even heard of it.

Me and my friends have been too busy

bathing off of St. Barts...

with spider monkeys

for the past two weeks.

Tripping on acid changed

our whole perspective on sh*t.

So I guess you can "dere-lick"

my balls, capitan...

Would you hold this for me?

I can "dere-lick" my own balls,

thank you very much.

You think you're

too cool for school.

But I got a news flash

for you, Walter Cronkite.

You aren't.

Who are you trying

to get crazy with, ese?

Don't you know I'm loco?

Hey, I got a wacky idea.

What say we settle this

on the runway...

Han-solo?

Stop it.

Are you challenging me

to a walk-off...

Boo-lander?

Don't do this, Derek.

Listen to your friend Billy Zane.

He's a cool dude.

He's trying to help you out.

Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off

challenge, my friend.

Ten minutes.

Old Members Only warehouse.

You oughta remember that.

You're a dinosaur.

Let's go. Open up.

I heard some mad stories

about this kid. He's too limber.

Put a cork in it, Zane!

It's a walk-off.

This is urgent, ma'am.

Do you have any...

Hey, Matilda.

What is this?

Where is everyone going?

Good luck, Derek!

Kick Hansel's ass!

Thanks, Rico. I'll try.

You want to see the real world

of male modeling?

The one they don't show you

in magazines or the E Channel?

Yeah, I guess. Derek, please.

I have something really important

to talk to you about.

Not now, Matilda.

Han-sell-out is about

to have his Han-sell-ass...

handed to him on a platter

with french-fried potatoes.

Katinka, thought you might

want to know...

your boy Zoolander's rolling.

It's a walk-off.

All right,

who's gonna call this sucker?

If nobody has any objections...

I believe I might be of service.

Now, this'll be a straight walk-off,

old school rules.

First model walks, second model

duplicates, then elaborates.

Okay, boys, let's go to work.

Age before beauty, goat cheese.

Whatever.

Right.

Playskool, baby.

You gotta cut me. I can't see.

I'm blind out there.

Evian.

It's okay.

- Where am I?

- It's okay.

- Kickin', Hoss.

- I'm going monk.

I gotta go monk. Prayer.

Pray to the Great Spirit.

Do it, Hansel.

Why is he sticking his hand

in his pants?

Do it, Hansel.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Derek, you're not a kid anymore.

You could hurt yourself out there.

I can do this, Tyson.

Thank God I wore underweartoday...

He's going for it.

Oh, my God.

Disqualified.

- Derek, come on.

- Come on.

- Derek, come on.

- Come on.

What's going on?

I think Katinka wants to kill you.

Good. I deserve to die if I can't

beat Han-suck-ass in a walk-off.

Derek, that's not true.

The guy had to pull his underwear

out of his butt just to beat you.

And all he had to do

was turn left.

What do you mean?

I'm not an ambi-turner.

It's a problem I had

since I was a baby.

I can't turn left.

Derek, that's nothing

to be ashamed of.

I'm sure there are a lot of people

out there who can't turn...

There have got to be some people

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