Zoolander Page #5

out there, just like you...

who can't turn... turn left.

If you want answers,

come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now...

- Wait! Who are you?

- Who was that?

I'm not sure. I have to get

to Saint Adonis Cemetery.

I'm gonna take you to my apartment.

You can stay there until I get back.

Can I come with?

I don't want to be alone tonight.

"Pedro Scialfa"'

He died when he was 29.

"Vin Correjo"'

"Derriere Extraordinaire"'

Ninety-two minus sixty-three.

None of them ever made it past 30.

I did.

Who are you?

It's not important.

Are you a ghost?

He called, Derek.

Let's take a walk.

You think Zoolander's in trouble?

Think again.

What you've stumbled upon goes way

deeper than you could ever fathom.

The fashion industry

has been behind...

every major political assassination

over the last 200 years.

And behind every hit,

a card-carrying male model.

Okay, that's impossible.

Oh, yeah?

Listen and learn, sweetness.

Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish

slavery, right?

But who do you think made the

powdered wigs and leg stockings...

worn by our country's

early leaders?

Mugatu!

Slaves, Derek.

Without their free labor,

prices would have gone up tenfold.

So the powers that be

hired John Wilkes Booth...

the original model/actor,

to do Mr... Lincoln in...

I'll go on.

Dallas, Texas, 1963.

Kennedy had just put

a trade embargo on Cuba...

ostensibly halting the shipment

of Cuban-manufactured slacks.

Incredibly popular item

at the time.

Lee Harvey Oswald

was not a male model.

You're goddamn right he wasn't.

But those two lookers...

who capped Kennedy from the grassy

knoll sure as sh*t were.

Well, what about you?

How do you fit in to all this?

This nation was swept...

I'll get it, ma'am.

I can't get over...

Wait a minute.

I know that hand.

It was in the fall 1973

Bulova watch catalog.

You're J.P. Prewitt.

The world's greatest hand model.

Once upon a time.

But things change.

Thanks to this homemade

hyperbaric chamber...

my sweet baby never did.

Let's keep moving.

And that's when I found out I was

in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter.

- So, how'd you manage to escape?

- Because I'm a hand model, mama.

A finger jockey. We don't think

the same as the face and body boys.

- We're a different breed.

- So why male models?

Think about it, Derek.

Male models are genetically

constructed to become assassins...

They're in peak

physical condition...

They can gain entry to the most

secure places in the world.

And most important of all,

models don't think for themselves.

- They do as they're told.

- That is not true.

Yes it is, Derek.

Yeah. Think about any photo shoot

you've ever been on.

You're a monkey, Derek!

Dance, monkey,

in your little spangly shoes!

Mash your cymbals, chimpy!

Dance, Derek, dance!

Good point.

But if this has been going on

for so long, Mugatu...

He's just a punk-ass errand boy...

working for an international

syndicate of fashion designers.

You do a little background check

on your Mr. Mugatu.

You'll find he sold his soul to the

devil for a shot at the big time.

But why male models?

Are you serious? I just...

I just told you that a moment ago.

Right.

You're a killing machine, Derek.

They've programmed you.

But I won't do it.

I won't kill anybody.

It's not up to you. At the proper

moment, they'll triggeryou.

Usually using an auditory or visual

Pavlovian response mechanism.

- "Audi-what-ey"?

- And when it's over...

What? There's an after party?

Derek, get down!

You gotta get

to Maury Ballstein's computer.

He recorded everything

in case they ever turned on him.

Derek, get a grip!

Good luck to you, Derek. I've

always been a fan of Blue Steel.

And I hear Magnum

is gonna blow us all away.

Come on!

- Get out of here.

- Hang in there,J.P.

You freakin' idiot!

Man, that was close... I can't

believe Maury's in on it too...

That she-male Katinka's

not messing around...

You're telling me!

For a second there...

I thought someone was gonna

be reading our "eugoogoly"

Okay, all right,

we need a place to hide.

Where's the last place anyone

would ever expect to look foryou?

I don't know.

Think, okay?

This is important!

I hate Hansel! Hansel, Hansel!

Everywhere I look! Hansel!

Were you looking for a rematch?

Excuse me, Hansel. I don't think

there's an easy way to put this...

so I am just gonna lay it out.

Derek has been brainwashed...

to kill the prime minister

of Malaysia.

And?

And we need a place to hide until

we figure this whole thing out.

Derek said this would be the last

place anyone would look for him.

Yeah, you're cool to hide here.

But first, me and him

gotta straighten some sh*t out.

Fine.

Why you been acting

so messed up towards me?

Why you been acting

so messed up towards me?

Well, you go first.

I don't know. Maybe I felt

a little threatened or something...

'cause your career

is kind of just blossoming...

and mine's kind ofwinding down

or whatever.

And I felt like,

"This guy's really hurting me"...

and it hurt.

And I felt like when you told me

to "dere-lick" my balls...

that really hurt.

Maybe I was scared, man.

You're Derek Zoolander!

Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander.

You know what it's like to be

another model in Zoolander's shadow?

You want to hear something crazy?

Your work...

in the winter '95

International Male catalog...

made me want to be a model.

I freakin' worship you, man.

I'm sorry I was whack.

I was whack.

I was whack.

So welcome to chez Hansel.

You're welcome to hide out here

as long as you want.

Well, there isn't much time.

The show's tomorrow night.

We have to figure out

a plan by then.

I'll round up the troops here.

Hey, what's up, y'all?

This is Derek and Matilda.

Derek, you know Natani and Chloe.

We got Buzzy Sullivan,

big wave surfer from Maverick's.

Hey, bra.

Oh, this is this fantastic band,

the Little Kings...

I met when I was ice sailing

in Finland.

That's my Sherpa, Lapsang.

Hey, everybody!

Listen up for a second.

Derek and Matilda are hiding 'cause

some dudes brainwashed Derek...

to off the prime minister

of Micronesia.

- Malaysia.

- Right.

So, they're gonna be hiding here.

Let's show them a good time.

- Right on!

- All right, come on, over here.

Oh, hey, Ennui,

will you do me a favor?

Will you get me some of that tea

that me and Lapsang got...

when we were climbing

the Mayan ruins?

This is really strong tea.

No, it's just right.

Trust me.

What with all the intrigue

you guys have been dealing with.

You know, Matilda, I'm surprised

you're so worried about "Der-rock"'

From that article that I read,

it seems like...

you don't really care too much

about guys in our line ofwork.

Why do you hate models, Matilda?

- Honestly?

- Yes.

I think they're vain, stupid...

and incredibly self-centered.

I totally agree with you.

But how do you feel

about male models?

Sweet.

Okay, but seriously, Matil.

Is it all right if I call you Matil?

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