Zoolander Page #6

What's the deal, yo-yo?

You're not telling us everything.

There's something else, isn't there?

You guys really want

to know the truth?

- Yeah.

- Then I'm gonna tell you the truth.

When I was in seventh grade...

I was the fat kid in my class.

All right, forget it.

- No.

- Dude, be cool tonight. Come on.

I'm sorry.

Please, go ahead. My mistake.

I was the one that all the pretty

girls used to make fun of.

It was an awkward phase.

Anyway...

every day after school,

I would come home and...

you know, I'd flip through the pages

of my mom's Vogue and Glamour...

And I just...

I'd look at these women...

these perfect, beautiful...

just unbelievable, skinny women.

I just couldn't...

Oh, I couldn't understand

why I didn't look like them.

I just didn't get it.

So, um...

So I became...

What?

Bulimic.

You can read minds?

It's when you throw up

after every meal.

See, this is exactly

what you models do to people.

You make them feel bad

about themselves.

So what?

I throw up after lots of meals.

So do I. It's a great way

to lose pounds before a show.

Are you guys insane?

Do you understand? It's a disease.

How'd that affect you with guys?

Did they not want to get busy?

- Good point.

- Oh. Okay. You know what?

I'm not gonna sit here with both

of you and discuss my sex life or...

Or lack thereof.

Ooh, you mean,

like, like you, like you...

- Haven't really done it...

- You haven't done it...

Done it in a while, yeah.

Okay, what's a while?

Like, eight days?

More?

Oh, try a couple years.

- Oh!

- Oh, snap!

How do you live?

Seriously. Do you service yourself

ten times a day?

- End of discussion!

- Easy. Okay, hold on.

- Easy, easy.

- I'm not comfortable talking...

Easy.

This has been

an emotional day for all of us.

I think we should get naked.

What?

Don't ask questions.

Just give in to the power

of the tea.

So I'm repelling down

Mount Vesuvius...

when suddenly I slip

and I start to fall.

I mean, I'm about to die.

Hot bread, Zeke.

I mean, I'm about to die.

Hot bread, Zeke.

Just falling...

I'll never forget the terror.

When suddenly I remember,

"Holy sh*t. Hansel...

haven't you been smoking peyote

for six straight days?

And couldn't some of this,

maybe, be in your mind??'

And?

It was. I was totally fine.

I've never even been

to Mount Vesuvius.

Cool story, Hansel.

Thanks, Olaf.

Dude, how dope was last night?

I mean, the soil room.

Dirt was flying.

You couldn't see anything.

It was like, whoa, who's that?

- Who's this?

- I think I'm falling for Matilda.

Dude,

I wasn't gonna say anything...

but it was crazy energy flying

back and forth between you guys.

It was like, whoa, look out!

There was a moment last night...

when she was between the two Finnish

dwarves and the Maori tribesman...

- Oh, yeah.

- Where I thought...

"Wow, I could really spend the rest

of my life with this woman"'

Really?

What do you call that?

I think you call that love, D-Bone.

So what time is it?

- Almost 5:
.00.

- What?

Hey, guys,

that show is in three hours.

Derek is dead unless we get

that evidence. Do you guys...

Whoa, easy. How about a

"Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel.

Thanks for the freak fest

last night"?

- Hello?

- Hello?

Oh, hi, Katinka.

Uh, no, I just had a really late

party night last night.

- Derek, hang up the phone now!

- Where am I?

- I have to go! See you at 7::00.

- Hang up!

Derek, I thought I told you

to turn off your phone.

Turn off my phone?

Turn off my phone?

- Yeah.

- Earth to Matilda.

This phone is as much

a part of me as...

You know what? Can we cut it out

with all the "Earth to's," please?

We're not actually saying this is

the Earth calling you, Matilda.

Yeah. No, I got that. I understand

you don't literally mean...

Uh, no, I don't think you do.

Listen. It's not like we thinkwe're

actually in a control tower...

trying to reach outer space

aliens or something, okay?

Hello.

- Oh, snap!

- A joke.

Instead of doing that, I'm gonna try

to figure out a way into Maury's...

before Derek assassinates

a world leader.

Wait.

I have an idea.

They'll be looking for us

at Maury's, right?

But they won't be

looking for not us.

What are you talking about?

Hansel, do you have

a cosmetics case?

Sure, I mean,

just for touch-ups or whatever.

What are you gonna do with that?

That'll do. Early in my career...

I used to do my own makeup

styling and tailoring.

If I can create

a basic disguise for us...

we may just be able to sneak

into Maury's, undetected.

You is talkin' loco,

and I like it.

Wielcome to Derelicte...

Hansel calling Matil.

We have entry. Repeat.

- Wie have entry...

- Okay, guys. I hear you.

Now, once you get the info, I want

you to E-mail it to my office.

I'll download the files, and we'll

take the information to the police...

We hear you loud and clear.

Listen, Matil.

I've been thinking a lot

about that bulimia thing...

And I want you to know I understand

where you're coming from.

I feel really bad that

good-looking people like us...

made you throw up

and feel bad about yourself.

For serious.

- Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up.

- Okay.

I got the results on the name check

you asked for on Jacobim Mugatu.

- Or should I say Jacob Moogberg.

- What?

He changed his name when he went

into the fashion business.

Apparently, the guy was the

original guitar synth player...

for that band Frankie Goes to

Hollywood, but he got kicked out...

before they hit it big

with that song "Relax"'

After Frankie gave him the heave-ho,

he held a series of odd jobs until...

get this... he invented...

the piano key necktie in 1 985.

The guy's been

a fashion designer ever since.

First obstacle.

You ever use one of these?

I don't think so.

Watch out. Watch...

Fix that hem,Jason.

Please. I need... Katinka!

He's not here yet,Jacobim.

- That little toad-face better show.

- He will show.

Good, because I'm a hot

little potato right now.

There must be

an "on" button somewhere.

Did you press that apple thing?

Wait! Hansel!

Let's not lose our cool. Then

we're no better than the machine.

It's almost 7:
:00.

I gotta go.

No! Derek. Der, wait.

If you go, they'll make you

kill that Eurasian dude.

I don't care, Hansel. I've never

been late for a show in my life.

I don't plan on starting now.

Damn it, you're right.

Do me a favor. If anything happens

to me, give this to Matilda.

- Oh, no.

- Please, Hansel. Take it. Please.

- Ah, man.

- Take it.

Let's just say I'll hold on

to it till you get back.

Go!

Wie're live at the Derelicte show...

where controversial designer

Jacobim Mugatu...

has extended the olive branch to

Malaysian Prime Minister Hassan...

making him the guest ofhonor

at tonight's show...

And starring in that show,

veteran supermodel Derek Zoolander...

Guys, what's happening?

Did you find the files?

Matilda, we've got problems...

Derek's already left for the show...

No. No, he can't. We don't

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