Zoolander Page #7

even know what the tri gger is.

He just went running out of here.

I couldn't stop him.

- I'll call him on his phone.

- He doesn't have it.

- What?

- Yeah, he doesn't have it.

What are you talking about?

He always has it.

- No, he gave it to me.

- Did you find the files?

I don't even know what they...

What do they look like?

They're in the computer.

They're in the computer?

Yeah, they're definitely in there...

I don't know how he labeled them...

- I got it.

- You gotta figure it out...

We're running out of time.

Find them and meet me at the show.

Roger.

In the computer.

It's so simple.

Hey, I just cut up

a couple of canta loupe halves...

with some cottage cheese,

if you're hungry.

Not the right time.

I need to figure out this trigger...

before Derek kills

the Malaysian prime minister.

You just seem a little tense.

I was trying to help you relax.

Relax? The last thing I need

to do right now is rela...

- That's it.

- Let's go, people!

Let's go! Vagrants and whores,

you're wanted in Makeup!

Runaways and street hustlers,

you're next!

- You had us worried, Derek.

- Everything's cool.

- I'm really psyched for the show.

- Good.

Just remember, relax.

Two minutes, Derek.

Ah, there he is.

I just want to wish you good luck.

Don't you mean "good-bye"?

What are you talking...

I know it was you, Maury.

I know it was you...

and it breaks my heart.

Derek, I don't know

what you're talking...

Derek, I'm...

I'm sorry.

Glad you could join us, Kmart.

Lucky for you,

there is no dress code.

Lucky for you,

there is no dress code.

I am vile spew...

ofthe wretched masses...

I am really, really dirty...

I am Derelicte!

You make me sick

to my stomach, Jaco.

It'll all be over soon.

Derek Zoolander will be dead,

and you'll be fine.

You always are.

Come on, Derek. You're on.

Break a leg, Derek.

It's "Relax"!

I'm fine.

I've done this a thousand times.

The trigger! It's "Re"...

Concentrate, Derelicte...

Do not be distracted

by the beautiful celebrities...

Celebrities...

Do what you've been trained to do,

and kill the prime minister!

J ust do it al ready!

I got your back!

What?

It's that damn Hansel!

He's so hot ri ght now!

Popping and locking, fool!

They're break-dance fighting.

Derek Zoolander just tried to kill

the prime minister of Malaysia.

That's bullshit!

Listen up, everyone.

Mugatu's a dick!

He tried to brainwash Derek

to kill the Claymation dude.

That's a lie! Zoolander snapped

because he's over the hill!

He knew his career was over,

and he couldn't face it.

No way. We got 30 years of files

right here in this computer!

They're gonna bring you down!

Oh, no.

Down!

Where did all the files go?

Ha! I'm taking you out!

- Yo, taste my pain, b*tch!

- Huh?

- Yes!

- Deal with that!

You don't have the guts, Kmart!

Wanna bet? And by the way...

you were wrong about my outfit.

It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection,

and I got it at J.C. Penney.

On sale.

Jig's up, Mugatu.

Everything they're saying is true.

I've been in on it for 30 years.

What are you doing, Ballstein?

I'm done,Jaco. I got a prostate

the size of a honeydew...

and a head full of bad memories.

It's time to set things straight.

You have no evidence.

Han-stupid destroyed everything.

I got two words foryou, sugar...

Zip disk.

The whole thing is in my den

in Long Island.

I can have that evidence here

in 20 minutes.

- That a boy, Maury.

- Hold on a second.

I'm afraid of the radiation.

Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen.

I need you to bring that Zip disk

in the den down to the fashion show.

I don't care

what the traffic is like.

Take the goddamn service road

and get off before the bridge.

So put it in one of those

Tupperware containers...

and I'll heat it up in

the microwave when I get home.

For Christ's sake, it's a casserole,

Sheila! It'll stay!

Shut up!

Enough already, Ballstein!

Who cares about

Derek Zoolander anyway?

The man has only one look,

for Christ's sake!

Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre?

They're the same face!

Doesn't anyone notice this?

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

I invented the piano key necktie!

I invented it!

What have you done, Derek? Nothing!

You've done nothing! Nothing!

And I will be a monkey's uncle

if I have you ruin this for me!

Because if you can't

get the job done, then I will!

Die, you wage-hiking scum!

One look?

One look? I don't think so!

There it is!

Magnum!

Holy moly.

Yeah, baby!

That's what I've been waiting for!

Dear God.

It's beautiful.

Yeah!

That's my kid.

That's my son.

That's my son.

Whoa! Yeah!

I love that kid.

Dumb as a stump, but I love him.

Oh, Derek, you did it!

That was amazing!

I know. I turned left!

Yeah, that too. But you saved

the prime minister of Malaysia!

Oh, right. Cool.

Thank you, Derek Zoolander,

for saving my life.

Hi, I'm former male supermodel

Derek Zoolander.

Here, at the Derek Zoolander Center

for Kids Who Can't Read Good...

and Who Wanna Learn

to Do Other Stuff Good Too...

we teach students of all ages...

everything they need to know to

learn to be a professional model...

and a professional human being.

Our diverse faculty includes

business management teacher...

and former model agent

Maury Ballstein.

The designer's got your nuts

in a vise...

offering you ten million

plus three percent...

of every pair

of underwear sold.

What are you gonna do?

Screw him! Hold out for more!

That's what I'm talking about!

Sojoin now, because at the

Derek Zoolander Center for Kids...

Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn

to Do Other Stuff Good Too...

we teach you

that there's more to life...

than just being really,

really, really good-looking.

- Right, kids?

- Right!

And cut!

- Looks great. I think we got it.

- All right, Mitch. Thanks.

- All right! That's a wrap!

- Hey, Hansel.

I'm gonna take these kids over

to the George Washington Bridge...

give them a little lesson

in base jumping.

- Catch you at the teacher's lounge?

- All right.

All right, guys. Last one to the

helicopter's a rotten egg. Let's go!

- There's Daddy! Hi.

- Hey.

- How's Derek, Jr.?

- He's great.

Guess what.

He made his first look today.

- Really?

- You wanna show Daddy your look?

Wow.

- Wanna hang out for story hour?

- Great. Yeah. Let's go.

- Hey, who wants to hear a story?

- Yeah!

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