$elfie Shootout Page #6

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Daniel t. Moorhead's office

Sandra, what's breaking there?

Thanks, Jeff. I'm here with

congressman Moorhead

and special agent Zoey Miller.

Wow, Zoey Miller,

can you explain

these extraordinary

circumstances?

Well, I am not so sure

they're all that unusual.

I am taking

the congressman into custody

for what is commonly known

as "pay to play."

- Okay.

- In this case,

overt demands for money

from his constituents

in exchange for

political favors.

In short, extortion.

Comments, congressman?

Well, let's be very,

very clear about this.

Taking campaign donations

is perfectly legal.

I mean, think about it.

People don't donate money

out of the goodness of their

heart, do they? I mean, do they?

Can you explain that

a little bit, congressman?

Well, if I don't return

the favor,

then shame on me.

I mean, if I happen

to do something

that does something for one

of my donors that needs done,

then just so much

the better for everyone.

I mean, isn't it

the right thing to do

when someone gives you money?

I understand the logic.

Well, perfect logic.

That's all I have to say.

- Okay.

- No, wait.

I'll be out before sunset.

So he's off to jail.

Gone.

He's no use to me anymore.

Did you like him?

He like all the others.

But you... bone.

But did you like him a lot?

Like, you know,

that kind of a lot?

- Ehh...

- Guess who!

- I don't know.

- It's me!

- Hey.

- Hi.

Who's she? One of your

other selfie girls?

Oh, she's just a friend.

- A dear friend.

- Oh.

I suppose an important

selfie judge like yourself

has all the women he needs.

Filled to the brim, I bet.

Overflow,

you hunk of a man, you.

Hey!

I am with him.

With her?

Or with me?

Um, rain check.

Rain check? Think again.

Think quickly.

Oh, sorry. That just

slipped out of my memory.

I meant, like, check please.

Maybe we can check out of here

and check out

another place, maybe?

- You sure?

- Yeah, we can...

You're gonna think I'm crazy,

but I just love shopping...

Going to pawn shops.

- Pawn shops?

- Pawn shops?

Yes, yes.

They seem so exotic.

Exotic.

- Exotic?

- Yes, and I love exotic.

You might even say

"exotic" is my motto.

How do feel about...

Exotic?

"Exotic" is one

of my mottos, too.

I mean, maybe it's more

of a slogan for me.

Same exact thing.

- Go. -You two were

made for each other.

So do you know

any good pawn shops?

Oh, I know plenty

of great pawn shops.

- Oh, yeah?

- I go every weekend.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Is that where you get

all the jewelry?

Congressman?

No, you ninny.

Chub's father.

Who's this?

Kind of like a girlfriend.

Kind of?

Way to go, bone.

"Kind of" means beginning stages

of girlfriend/boyfriend.

Oh, darling!

You did get out!

So happy.

Can I offer you anything?

A celebration?

Darling?

Offer me what?

Anything.

Let your imagination run wild.

You are so good at that.

A Yankee mix.

Now me. What would you

like to order from me?

Ahh. Are you tried

of the Russian Irina?

I don't know you enough.

So sweet.

So charming.

How'd you like this accent?

This accent's

a little harder to do.

It's an upcharge.

Russian's easy.

I just throw that in

as part of the deal.

- You do accents.

- All day!

All night, bloke,

if that's your pleasure.

- Really? -I'll give you

any accent you like.

How's this, mon amour?

- Does this work?

- Does it work?

I'll say it does.

Mon amour,

I can throw in French free.

I kind of like the cockney.

You know, the tough girl.

Tough girl?

Accent upcharge, too.

Well, I'll go the upcharge.

Smart move, Daniel.

So smart.

Daniel?

Yes. Yes, Daniel.

Call me Daniel.

Let's go for the whole

shooting match.

Daniel would love that,

but not as much as me.

Oh, my god. Just look!

A gigantic grab bag

full of exotic treasures.

Oh, my, look at that ring.

I loves rings.

They're my fashion statement.

- Am I too flashy? -No.

Exactly the right flashy.

- Could we see it?

- Here you go?

Ooh! Aren't you

the cutest thing ever?

I could just take you

in my mouth.

Oh, my, I'm getting

ahead of myself.

Ooh, head... love that.

Me, too.

- How much?

- 7900.

- A steal.

- One of a kind.

We'll take it.

Oh, no, no.

No kissing.

Not on the first date.

Sorry.

Naughty, naughty, naughty.

Love it!

Have you ever been in love?

Every click of the mouse.

I wish I had a dad

so I could ask him about love.

I hate this conversation.

- I bought her a ring.

- Who?

The babe from the big box party.

Green dress, yellow heels.

- What's her name?

- I don't know...

And I don't care.

You don't know her name

and you bought her a ring?

- What kind?

- Diamond.

$7900, and she is worth

every penny.

- Did you charge it?

- What do you think?

How are we money-wise?

Ballpark...

50 grand, banked.

Our meet the judges' party

cost $27,347?

How can that be?

Your mother charged them, right?

- She did. -Then what is

the plus from the party?

- 50.

- 50,000?

No, I said 50.

She comped some, refunded some.

$50.

So we threw

a $27,347 party?

- Including tip.

- What else is on the card?

Car. Oh, look.

A fur coat for your mom.

Yeah, well, you bought stuff

for your dad.

I see the diamond ring.

Our credit card bill

is $142,789.39!

Sounds about right.

How? I thought you said

we had 50,000.

Yeah, but that's in "in money,"

not "out money."

So we owe, ballpark, $100,000?

Better than 140.

And we owe a $35,000 prize.

So, ballpark, 140.

'Kay.

How are the selfies coming in?

Three today.

Three.

Well, someone's asleep

at the wheel.

And someone has got the credit

card gas pedal to the floor!

Don't you copy my metaphors.

Car... you.

Dad clothes... you.

Diamond ring... you.

Mink coat... you!

Meet the judges party...

You.

Comping girls... you!

Oh, yeah, well,

someone has been slackin'.

- You!

- What?

Where are all your ideas?

We all know you're the idea man.

I'm just the cohort!

I'm fresh out of ideas.

Harris here.

Hey, Harris.

What's up?

- Chub!

- You're on speaker.

- Bone's here.

- Nothing really.

Just seeing how your "selfie

shootout" website's doin'.

You know, the more selfies,

the better for our drink.

Not so hot. Only three.

Oh, that's too bad.

Our international sites

are gangbusters.

Selfies through the roof.

Japan, Nigeria...

Gangbusters.

- Japan and Nigeria?

- Through the roof!

I tell you, those Japanese,

they love their selfies.

And Denmark? Why, that's

a tidy little market.

That's the same as our website.

Chub? Chub?

Got to go, guy.

Oh. All right.

Where exactly

is "nigh-jerryia"?

What difference does it make?

India.

Why didn't I think

of any of this?

This is why we're not

getting selfies.

Competition.

All the websites

are exactly the same as ours.

No monopoly, no profit.

We've got to get back

on that profit train.

Let's research capitalism.

- What?

- Think about it.

Capitalism equals making money.

- Makes sense to me.

- Yep.

U.S.P....

Unique selling proposition.

We just need something

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