$elfie Shootout Page #7

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to make us special

so we can get the girls

from Nigeria,

Japan, Denmark

to come back to us.

Yeah, 'cause if we're unique,

then we'll control

the selfie market.

Yep, and he who controls

selfies...

Controls...

Selfies.

Pure unadulterated power.

And unadulterated power

gets us money,

which gets us our condo,

which gets us

our ultimate goal...

Babes!

What can our u.S.P. Be?

Don't know.

I don't either.

We got...

I'm gonna stand,

and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

Just work it out.

Oxygen going to the brain.

- Working. Got it.

- Here we go. I got this.

Okay.

You're gonna love it.

- Okay. -That's all

you're gonna want to do.

I like it.

I like it a lot.

Okay, I'll save that for later.

Um, what I...

Okay, okay.

Do you think

the press release will work?

How do we get

the million dollars?

What are you?

An idiot?

Wha... from

the submitted selfies.

That's always been

our u.S.P.,

a bigger cash prize.

I mean, we just didn't know it.

Yeah, it's been hiding

in the recesses of your mind.

Would a billion dollars

be better?

That's like a super

take 'em to the wall u.S.P.

What are you thinking?

Do the math.

A billion-dollar prize

would mean that every babe

on the planet

would have to submit,

and, obviously,

every babe on the planet

doesn't take selfies.

I beg to disagree.

Oh! Dad!

Whoa. So that's what

a real man looks like?

What are you doing?

I thought you didn't like it.

Well, this is my house.

You should knock.

I live here.

I don't knock.

Well, a knock

every once in awhile

would be appreciated.

Breaking news.

This just in,

a 4 alarm fire has...

Thank you.

K-dik,

the leader of breaking news,

breaks into breaking news

with major breaking news.

Our two local boys,

chub Moorhead and bone Casper

of "selfie shootout" fame,

have just announced

an increased prize

of one million dollars.

I can barely believe it.

The best selfie is in line

to become a millionaire.

In addition,

our local entrepreneurs

have announced a reduction

in the submission fee

to just five dollars.

If I'm not mistaken,

that's a $10 savings.

Well, in the great

American tradition...

More for less.

I got to wonder

if that's really a smart move.

Back to breaking news,

FBI agent Zoey Miller,

who broke

the congressman Moorhead

pay for play scandal wide open

resigned today citing

personal reasons.

Did the genius kick in?

Or did the genius kick?

- Kicked in!

- Well, I don't get...

You don't get what?

It is perfectly clear.

More for less.

Million dollar prize,

cheaper to submit.

The perfect

unique selling proposition.

Well, if I was one

of the $15 selfies,

I would want a

ten dollar refund.

It's late, Zoey.

I'm gonna miss you.

- Zoey.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to finish off

this Moorhead research

before I officially leave.

God, yeah.

What a dick, huh?

I'd say.

Runs deeper than I thought.

Submissions.

Tons.

Total.

I need a total.

300 new selfies on the nose.

1500 bucks.

Refund request.

- Refund requests.

- How many?

- 12.

- Oh, that's not bad.

- 39.

- 39?

- 376!

- No!

Okay, we need to do some math.

- 'Kay.

- When is the credit card due?

That's not math.

That's dates.

- Seven days.

- How much do we owe?

No, first, how many

refund requests?

1,317.

- 1,317 times ten dollars is...

- 13,170.

How many new submissions

do we have?

500. $2500!

Pretty good!

Really? We owe over

ten grand in refunds.

- I'll double-check the math.

- No! The math is correct!

When is the credit card due?

Seven days.

I already told you.

It's the same day we're supposed

to announce the winner.

Balance on the credit card?

Holding steady

at $142,789.39.

Plus the ten grand in refunds.

- Please do the math. -Minus it or plus it?

I'm not sure.

Plus it to get the minus total.

Plus the two!

Plus it!

$152,789.39.

Minimum payment

on the card, please.

$4,769... which means

we will be completely paid off

in... 153 years.

Not terrible.

I'm okay with the 153 years,

but we will also owe

one million dollars

to some nameless selfie

in seven days!

Do you have an idea how we're gonna

get that much cash in seven days?

Do you have any frickin' idea?

- Yes, I do.

- And what would that be?

The obvious...

Borrow against another card.

What is this?

All right.

- Hello.

- Chub Moorhead?

- Yes?

- Charles Dutton,

- executive, k-dik TV.

- Yes?

I'm calling about

your selfie contest.

- Yes? -I understand

you're gonna be

announcing the winner

this Saturday night.

- Correct?

- Yes.

We'd like exclusive rights

to broadcast the ceremony

around the world.

- Okay. -And we're

prepared to pay $50,000.

Worldwide rights.

Will that work?

Yeah, that works.

Thank you.

I'll set it up.

Be at the studio an hour early.

I'll have a check ready,

and I'll even host

the awards show.

Quite an honor.

Okay.

- Pick up.

- Yup?

K-dik just called, and

they're gonna pay us $50,000

to broadcast the winning

selfie Saturday.

- Mother lode.

- It's a drop in the bucket.

It'll at least buy us

tickets to Guatemala.

Maybe a condo?

Bone, people are fleeing

Guatemala.

Delicious.

It's not so hard.

I...

- It's me, Zoey.

- The FBI Zoey?

Yes.

How you been?

I've been better, I suppose.

Hmm. Things aren't

going so well, are they?

- With the contest?

- How did you know?

I have access to a lot

of information.

In fact, the FBI

has access to everything.

Well, everybody knows that.

I was just trying to be nice.

- We're screwed.

- You're broke.

- Yep.

- I got you covered.

- How?

- I have discovered something

I'd like to share

with you and bone.

It's a game-changer.

Can you come by?

You don't have the million,

do you?

- Not really.

- Not at all.

- What else?

- Credit card problems.

- How much?

- Uh...

Never mind.

- $142,789.39.

- Ballpark.

- Exactly.

- Just north of 100,000.

I said exactly.

Don't mess with me.

I know the color

of your underwear.

The FBI know everything.

Suppose I could solve

all of your problems

and mine in just a few minutes?

I would say thank you very much.

Moorhead is a bad actor.

For the past several years,

he's been transferring

campaign donations

to a personal

offshore account...

Just over $1.8 million.

Whoa.

Is that legal?

Of course it is.

He's a congressman.

It's not.

Now, suppose I can transfer

1.2 million into your account

in, let's say,

the next, mm, two minutes?

Uh, I would say

thank you very much.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that legal?

Kind of, and kind of not.

Could we just do

the kind of part?

Interested, gentlemen?

It'll save all of us.

Well, he's gonna miss it,

and then he'll report us.

It's illegal cash.

If he reports it,

he'll be turning himself

into the FBI.

Interested?

Let me explain how this works.

Ladies and gentlemen

across the United States

and around the world,

welcome to the "selfie shootout"

one million dollar

award ceremony.

And please welcome

chub and bone,

the founders and sole judges

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