100 Girls Page #4

MaryAnn, not Ginger sort of way.

This kind of girl is scary.

She's the kind of girl

you take home to mom.

And even scarier, she's the kind

you marry and she becomes your mom.

She dresses you, feeds you...

leaves notes on toilettes telling you

what chores need to be done.

She's scary because you could

see yourself falling for her.

But, at the same time,

you feel that if you fall for her...

you're settling for

just the average.

What?

You're just so perfect.

I hate when people say that.

I don't wanna be perfect.

So my dad had polio

when he was a kid...

and he had this

really bad leg.

And whenever he walked...

he made this creepy...

thumping noise.

And just super creepy.

I remember him coming

home from work and...

walking down the long hallway

to kiss me good night.

I was scared because all I could

hear was the thumping, you know?

So I hid under my covers.

is it not sad to be

so afraid of your father?

I was really scared of the Wizard

of 0z. That Margaret Hamilton...

who does the wicked witch

was so hair-raising, you know?

And that music...

it scared me so much.

I'd get so scared I couldn't sleep,

`cause it'd get stuck in my head.

Sometimes, do you know

what I did to calm myself?

I remembered that Dorothy killed

the witch by putting water on her.

So I'd lie in bed and I'd

work up this big water spit.

And I knew that if the witch came

to get me I'd just spit on her...

and she'd melt.

I just told you a sad story about my

family, and that's all you can say?

I'm sorry.

I'm tragically glib.

Men have this anti-intimacy

force field a round them...

that is powered by sarcasm,

humor and a version.

Why is that?

The force is strong

with this one.

Maybe it's because a man can fall in

love with a different girl everyday.

Maybe it's just nature's way

of protecting a man from himself.

How do you feel about

the name "Francesca"?

Do you know that Muslim men

shave their pubic hairs?

No wonder so many of them

become terrorists!

I can't breathe!

I can't see!

Fascinating!

Can you blame guys for being

so horny? Look at the dress.

It's one big symbol

for easy access.

Have you ever calculated how

many hours' women have wasted...

deciding on what

kind of shoes to wear?

Foxy lady!

Trust me. They will get drunk,

they do it every Thursday night.

And they talk about everything

once they're plastered.

So, as Francesca,

try to make one of them...

reveal that she had sex

on an elevator in a black-out.

Did I ever tell you about when I got

a bloody nose while giving head?

guy's pubis while giving a blow job.

I've got you all beaten.

When I was about to swallow it,

I laughed and it came out my nose.

Girls are way

grosser than guys!

A friend had sex in an elevator.

Have any of you ever tried that?

I have it. I had a boyfriend who

liked to rub it between my toes.

Then he blamed when he got

athlete's foot on his dong!

Francesca's night was

a major bust. That stunk!

Well, maybe you just need to try

something different, you know?

instead of hoping for hard evidence

on your romantic suspect...

maybe you should just

get to know these girls.

You might get a vibe

as to which one she is.

You're right. I do need to do

something I've been avoiding.

I need to lower my

anti-intimacy shield.

If you had a choice, would

you rather be warm or smart?

So, why is it purple?

Isn't "American cheese"

appropriately named?

It's fake and processed,

just like America.

Tell me something...

who's the idiot who invented

the buttoned-down fly?

There are dogs who sniff melanoma

in humans before it's diagnosed.

Have you ever noticed, they only

give hurricanes wasp names...

like hurricane Andrew? You never

hear Giuseppe or Mohammed.

Why older people pull their

pants up over their belly-buttons?

Why in golf is it good

to shoot under par...

but a sub-par performance

in anything else is bad?

Do you know what the best phrase is?

"I'm ready for anything".

I can't speak to Cynthia as Matt.

I start speaking gibberish.

But I have a silver tongue

with her when I am Francesca!

These things are supposed to

get rid of cellulite. Come on.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

How often do you bikini wax?

- Everyday.

- I thought I was a fanatic!

God, that's Sam! He cannot see me

with these pants and no make-up!

Wait, wait a second!

I got your term paper!

I even got one of those plastic

covers! You don't have to...

Hold on a second!

I'll come to you!

- Come on!

- I'm coming, Cynthia!

- So what's the big deal?

- I'm not stupid. I get things easy.

The guys will do anything for me

because of the way I look.

I know that.

And if Sam saw me in these...

I might lose my edge with him.

Like at "Green Legend",

they lost the power ring.

- Who?

- Never mind. You're lucky.

No, I'm not.

It'd be great if guys always

wanted to do things for me.

No, it's a curse.

You see...

nothing is a challenge for me.

Everything is made easy.

And if I ever actually do

something on my own...

everyone assumes that I got there

because of my looks. It sucks.

So ready to go again?

It's just easier to talk to

Cynthia as a girl than as a guy.

- There's nothing at stake.

- How do you mean?

When you're a guy talking to a girl like

her, you're going for all the marbles.

She's a Super Bowl of women.

And you know, if you screw up

and she rejects you...

then every other girl after Cynthia

is gonna seem like a compromise.

And you just know you aren't good

enough to get a girl like her.

That's why I don't talk

to girls in her league.

I just don't wanna know

that I've crashed and burned.

I won't ever get the opportunity to

put her ring around my 11th finger.

What are you reading?

- Nothing.

- It's gotta be something.

Why are you talking to me?

I don't know. It's quiet

around here. I'm Matthew.

- What's your name?

- Ghost face.

What?

- They called me so in high school.

- I'm sorry.

It's okay. I kind of like it.

It's better than being called...

"The Poster Child for Abortion" or

"The Girl with the Vertical Smile".

I was trying to be friendly.

Maybe she could tell still

thought she was contagious.

Men wanna be quarantined

from unattractive girls.

We place so much emphasis

on physical beauty...

we're afraid to be infected by

one of these girls' inner beauty.

Let's not have a pity party.

Please, you're blocking my light.

Thanks for getting us the

Lifetime channel, Matthew.

No problem. Just don't tell

anybody I pirated. It's a felony.

Anybody up for a game? How about

you, Matt? 0r are you chicken?

Our grudge match escalated

into a cold war of words.

Girls are just users. Look at the

praying mantis, for instance.

After they're finished doing the nasty,

the female eats the head...

...of her male mate.

- I should expect a remark like that...

from someone who thinks a car

is an extension of his penis.

And a person is an extension

of a woman's vagina?

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