100 Girls Page #6

that he's waited

so long to open...

and now he can't wait to see

what the treasure is inside.

You don't give me that look.

You know how Captain Hook

could always hear the crocodile...

from the tic-tac of his

clock in the crock's belly?

That's the way it was for me

with Crick and his nicotine gum.

- I knew I'd find you two together.

- He was all high on nicotine gum.

I had to get Patty

out of there.

The best way to do that was to

focus his testosterone on me.

You know something, Crick,

I was wondering.

The bad guys of the world really

know they're being bad...

or they think they're good guys

when they act like sphincters?

I don't know.

You tell me, smart guy.

- So you think you're a good guy?

- I know I am.

You're the one who's trying to

steal my chick. I'm the cool one.

Cool? That's another thing

that bothers me.

I was just reading that one in

six people think they're cool.

What is that like? A billion people

are cool? That just can't be right!

If everybody is cool,

then really nobody is cool.

You don't know what

you're talking about.

Look at you. The modern-day media,

the magazines, the TV...

they show us what coolness is,

so that you pony-tale pretenders...

can go out there and buy coolness,

thus fooling the weak-minded.

I had enough of you, buddy!

Get off me!

We'd never win this fight with Crick.

lonely had one desperate chance.

Bastard!

Get the hell off me!

Bastard!

What the f***!

I think we ditched him.

Patty!

- What was that?

- My pinball balls.

- You had them in while eating?

- Yeah, it's incredible.

There you are!

I was a dead man.

But then fate intervened.

After Crick hobbled away in pain,

we were still drunk with laughter.

I guess that's what

made me do it.

Patty came on to me again,

and succumbed.

I tried to rationalize. I thought

maybe I could learn from her...

maybe this is why God

made women like this...

so that sexually impaired like me

would've someone to practice on.

At this moment,

she wasn't a slut.

She was a luscious

voice of experience.

Sweet leaping Jesus!

I figured that nobody on their

deathbed looks back and says:

"l wish I had made love less".

We didn't make love the way

they do it in the movies...

where the guy slides in between her

legs like a hot knife through butter.

No, this was like real life.

No, not that hole.

I can't get in. You're sure

there's not another ball in there?

No, here.

Let me help you.

No, we didn't

make cinema love.

We made the kind of love

where you just laugh together...

when bodies make that noise when

air gets trapped in between you.

Patty taught me things.

You don't have to kiss me

the whole time.

Seems like you're kissing me

just to avoid looking at me.

Look into my eyes.

Concentrate on me.

Concentrate on us.

Id only done it twice, but now I

knew why men love sex so much.

Because while you're doing it,

you feel like you're as good...

if not better than

every other man.

The feeling of that grease makes

you sure you're in the correct path.

Madonna mia!

That everything is right

in the world.

Our transcendent fusion was not

the romantic type, it was just fun.

My experience with her was not

serious and nothing cosmic.

I used her.

- I feel terrible.

- Don't worry about it.

Did I tell you I'm up to

I treated her like she was

my sexual training wheels...

something I'd use to learn and I'd

discard when I no longer need them.

And what if the elevator girl finds

out? She's gonna think I'm a dick.

Man, it's your manifest

destiny to nail her.

in every species, it's the male

function to perpetuate its line.

Why should it be

any different for you?

You should embrace

your destiny, not deny it.

How are you gonna get by with

this attitude towards women, Rod?

I'm gonna get rich. I'll give me

one of those low-life whores...

give her a nice car, a bunch

of credit cards, lots of cash.

in return, she'll take care of the

kids and give me sex on demand.

What's your problem? What happened

to make you hate women so much?

- There's no problem.

- Something had happened. I knew it.

There was definitely

a horror in Rod's past.

And it was the encounter with the

monster that Rod called "woman".

- What's your horror story?

- There's no story, man.

You're the one that's got

a problem with women, not me.

Maybe if you tried this thing, you

wouldn't be so nervous all the time.

Not only have my length and girth

increased, but so has my virility, baby.

Just the other day,

I boned this girl all night long.

Yeah? What girl?

Francesca.

- Yeah, right!

- Yeah, man. She's doable.

- In your dreams!

- She is, man. I'm telling you!

We had sex all night long. She may

be ugly, but I ain't complaining.

I'm shepherd happy.

God, I hate guys

Dick!

More than half of the semester had

passed, my debutante of the dark...

my doll of destiny,

hadn't presented herself.

I had almost lost all hope

when something happened.

- Matthew?

- You're here!

My God, you know my name!

That's wonderful!

- Stop trying to find me.

- What?

I don't want you to find me.

- Can we talk about this for a second?

- There's nothing to talk about.

I don't like you.

Wait, can you...

Wait, hey, wait!

I chased her like I was Popeye

Doyle chasing that train.

Got you!

I lost her.

- Do you wanna talk about it?

- No, I'm okay.

My anti-intimacy force field

was on the autopilot.

Come on, might make you

feel better.

I was feeling so bad, I decided to

put the anti-intimacy on manual.

- I lowered it.

- Tell me about it.

I figured she had

a boyfriend...

or she was drunk that night

and she didn't remember.

she thought I was some pre-med...

or pre-law Adonis, and that

wouldn't care when I found her.

I never thought it was

because she didn't like me.

- Maybe there's another reason.

- I don't think so.

I should've figured it had

something to do with me.

Testosterone must really

fill the ego, because...

I've stored plenty of both.

I'm just a big steaming pile of loser.

What do you think I am? It's midnight

and I'm cleaning my room.

- Is your mom coming tomorrow?

- Yeah, you guessed it.

How do you get along

with your folks?

in 9th grade, I wanted to read

these James Bond novels.

My mom wouldn't allow it, unless

my father cut out the sex scenes.

She said, "That doesn't happen in

real life". And certainly not to me.

I had to get glasses. I begged my

mom to let me get contact lenses.

"lf I get glasses, mom, I couldn't

be handsome like James Bond".

She just never let me feel like

I could be sexy.

- I still feel that way.

- God!

Parents always try to turn us into

something we don't wanna be!

I wish I could be more than

my parents' perfect little girl.

That looks like fun.

Wait. 0nly I'm allowed to.

- Now we're even.

- Really?

Hi, mom.

This is Matt.

Finals were nearing, and so was

the end of the school year .

I was running out of time.

Look what it did to my

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