10 Most Excellent Things: The Producers Page #9

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What were you doing up there?

Hiding.

I was hiding.

From who? From what?

From the police.

They were just here.

They've arrested Max.

- They found the books?

- I don't know what to do.

Poor Max.

Maybe I should turn myself in

and go to jail with him.

Well, my sweet cupcake,

I know we both love Max...

...but it seems to me

you have two choices.

Number one, you can go to jail

with Mr. Bialystock...

...for years and years and years.

Or number two...

...you can take that 2 million dollars

and Ulla, and go to Rio.

Oh, my God, what a dilemma.

Oh, what should I do?

Should I go to jail or go to Rio?

Mail call.

Hey, fatso.

I'm not that fat!

Says you.

You got a postcard.

A postcard? From where?

Brazil.

Brazil.

Who do I know in Brazil?

Why am I asking you?

" Dear Max, Rio is everything

you said it was and more.

Ulla and I think of you

every chance we get.

In the morning, when we

have breakfast on our terrace...

... many different herrings.

In the afternoon, when we rub

each other's sun-drenched bodies...

... with banana-cream coconut oil,

number 15.

And then, in the evening, when

we samba together in the moonlight."

You'll find your happiness in Rio

The beaches there

Are strewn with pearls

The tropic breezes

Always blow there

And so, we hear

Do the girls

"Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting.

It's almost 11.

Wish you were here.

Your pal, Leo."

Just like Cain and Abel

You pulled a sneak attack

I thought that we were brothers

Then you stabbed me in the back

Betrayed

Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed

Like Samson and Delilah

Your love began to fade

I'm crying in the hoosegow

You're in Rio getting laid

Betrayed

Let's face it, I'm betrayed

Boy, have I been tak en

Oy, I'm so forsak en

I should have seen

What came to pass

I should have known

To watch my ass

I feel like Othello

Everything is lost

Leo is lago

Max is double-crossed

I'm so dismayed

Did I mention I'm betrayed?

Now I'm about to go to jail

There's no one who will pay my bail

I have no one who I can cry to

No one I can say goodbye to

I'm drowning!

I'm drowning!

I'm drowning here!

I'm going down for the last time.

I can see my whole life

flashing before my eyes.

I see a weathered old farmhouse

with a white picket fence.

I'm running through fields

of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.

No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.

And I see my mother.

I see Mama standing

on the back porch...

...in a worn but clean

gingham gown.

And I hear my mama

calling out to me.

Alvin!

Don't forget your chores.

The wood needs a-cording

and the cows need a-milking.

Alvin! Alvin!

Wait a minute.

My name's not Alvin.

That's not my life.

Somebody else's life

is flashing before my eyes.

What the hell is that about?

I'm not a hillbilly.

I grew up in the Bronx.

Leo's taken everything,

even my past.

My past's a dying ember

But wait, now I remember

How did it begin?

He walk ed into my office

With his cockamamie scheme

You can make more money

With a flop than with a hit

We can do it

We can do it

I can't do it

We can do it

I can't do it

Goodbye, Max

Lord, I want that money

I'm back, Max

Come on, Leo, we can do it

Step one, find the play

See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it

Hello, Mr. Liebkind

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?

Guten Tag hop hop

Guten Tag clop clop

Step two, hire the director

Keep it gay, k eep it gay, k eep it...

Two, three, kick,

Turn, turn, turn, kick, turn

Ulla

Step three, raise the money

Along came Bialy

Step four, hire all the actors

A wandering minstrel I

A thing of shreds and...

Next

The little wooden boy

Next

That's our Hitler

Break a leg

I broke my leg

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

A surprise smash

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

It'll run for years!

Where did we go right?

Where did we go right?

Give me those books

Fat, fat, fatty

Give me those books

Fat, fat, fatty

Books, fat, books, fat

Books, fat, books, fat

Lousy fruit

Kill the actors

You ever eat with one?

Then you ran to Rio

And you're safely out of reach

I'm behind these bars

You're banging Ulla on the beach

Just like Julius Caesar

Was betrayed by Brutus

Who'd think an accountant

Would turn out to be my Judas

I'm so dismayed

Is this how I'm repaid?

To be

Betrayed

Betrayed

Gentlemen of the jury,

have you reached your verdict?

Yes, Your Honour, we have.

We find the defendant...

...incredibly guilty.

Hold me, touch me.

I'm a little busy.

Does the defendant have

anything to say on his own behalf?

Yes, Your Honour, I do.

I admit, for the last 20 years

I've been a lying, double- crossing...

...two-faced, backstabbing,

despicable crook.

But I had no choice.

I was a Broadway producer.

A man without a conscience...

...and with no one

who gave a damn about him.

And that, Your Honour,

is what hurts the most.

I thought I'd at last

found a loyal partner.

A man I cared about...

...and who I thought

cared about me.

What breaks my heart is now...

...when I need him most,

he's deserted me.

I will probably never see

or hear from him ever again.

That's not true!

Order! Order in the court!

And stop that samba!

- Who are you?

- I am Leopold Bloom...

...Max Bialystock's partner.

And who are you, my dear?

My name is

Ulla Inga Hansen Benson...

...Yonsen Tallen- Hallen

Svaden Svanson Bloom.

Bloom?

- You're his wife?

- Ja, Your Honour.

He wouldn't do it

unless we got married.

What a schmuck.

Now, Mr. Bloom,

why in the world would you...

...want to come back here

and give yourself up?

Why? To speak on his behalf.

We all know that Max Bialystock

is a lying, double- crossing...

...two-faced, slimy,

manipulative, underhanded...

Please...

...don't help me.

Your Honour... Your honour,

if I may address the court.

The law was created to protect

people from being wronged.

So whom has

Max Bialystock wronged?

- Well, not these dear ladies.

- No.

And not me, not...

Not me.

I was this nobody.

No one ever called me "Leo" before.

I mean, Your Honour,

I know it isn't a big legal point...

...but even when I was in kindergarten

everybody always called me "Bloom."

I guess what I'm trying to say

is that even when I was in Rio...

...and had everything

I'd ever dreamed of...

...I suddenly realized that...

That this man...

This man...

No one ever made me

Feel like someone

Till him

Life was really nothing

But a glum one

Till him

My existence bordered on the tragic

Always timid

Never took a chance

Then I felt his magic

And my heart began to dance

I was always frightened

Fraught with worry

Till him

I was going nowhere in a hurry

Till him

He filled up my empty life

Filled it to the brim

There could never

Ever be another one

Like him

Leo...

Leo...

...I never realized.

- You're a good singer.

- Thank you.

- No, really, like a professional.

- Well, I sang it for you, Max.

I sang it because I'm your friend.

You are?

I've had a lot of relationships...

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