2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams Page #5

found them In the medical tent,

playing doctor!

Right, boys?

But seriously folks, they're all

back stage with your young M r. Falcon

undergoing an extreme makeover

for tonight's grand finale!

But first, It gives me

great pleasure to Introduce

Pleasant Valley's

very own Rhett Butler,

M r. Harper Alexander!

Ladies and gentlemen, please

enjoy with me as we recreate

not only one of our favorite

moments of the annals of history

but also one of the great

spectator sports, as well.

Any volunteers?

You, sir. You want to

win 50, 000 dollars?

Did you say

50, 000 dollars?

I sure did. 50, 000

Confederate.

Well, In that case-

How you doing'

tonight, Abraham?

It's Jerry.

You sure look like

an Abraham to me.

Why don't you

just take your seat?

Now tonight, the role

of Miss Mary Lincoln

will be played by Miss

Married Milk Malden,

and good ol' honest Abe, well,

that'll be you, D. W. Griffith.

Go ahead, please.

You're 9 Inches away from

starring In my next movie.

Feels more

like 3 to me.

Now, the game Is

If I miss, you lose.

Uh, I'm not too

sure about this.

Ready?

Oh, come on, time out!

Aim.

Hold on, time out.

Walt, wait, wait.

Wait. Time out!

Time out!

Yeah I

Yeah!

Yay I

Aside from that,

Mrs. Lincoln,

did you enjoy

the show?

F*** this sh*t.

Ah I

Now, now, now that

you're all a little groggy

the fresh air otta

take care of that.

We're all here and we're

gonna play a little game,

a little game we call the

Revlsltatlon of the troubles.

April 22, 1864,

we were living our lives,

minding our own business,

when the Yankee man came.

When you came! killed us all,

destroyed our way of life.

Hell, we weren't

ready back then,

but this time we are.

War's over, jefe, you f***ing

lost, move the f*** on!

Well, that's precisely

what we aim to do,

muchacho, precisely.

You're telling me you're

with these crackers?

I was with these

crackers when your kind

came condemning us all

to the same fate.

"My kind?" What the f***'s

wrong with you, brother?

I'm not your bother.

I'm Southern bred.

And you,

Miss Gutter Mouth,

you'd be Northern scum.

Now, now, Crow.

Remember we're trying

not the use the " N" word.

You're right

on that one.

That's right I

Now let's see here, from here to

the road it's a couple of miles,

same distance we had to

flee from Pleasant Valley,

now, there's no sport In

shooting fish In a barrel.

so we hide some guns

and ammo along the way.

Now, If ya'll can go out there and

find them and put up a good flight

why, you're

free to go.

Oh, that is bloody bullocks!

If you don't

let us go now,

I'll have my lawyer slaughter

you before you can say spectrum.

I mean It,

mother fickler

Spectrum?

I'm not kidding I

Neither are we, Miss.

In case you have

any doubt, Miss Maiden.

Hm.

K- Jay?

Ma-ma-ma-ma.

Falcon

Bastards!

Presentation. Well,

let the games begin I

Pum, pum, pum.

Gimme that I

Gimme that!

# Building from

the ground up #

# Starting nowhere #

Did you see what they did to

K- Jay, Biscuit? They killed him.

They f***ing

killed Falcon, too.

We were gonna present at the

Teen Dream Awards together.

You were?

# Well, they put us

I n our #

Crying over spilled blood is

not gonna get us outta here,

we gotta find those guns

and cap those mother f***ers.

You're right. You and

Cherry head for the RV.

Fix that damn tire, I'll grab

the girls and find those weapons.

What are you gonna

do if you find them?

I know my way around weapons. My

mother used to be a prison guard.

That explains a lot.

# Again #

Bleed that heathen

good and dry, son.

We could all use

an after dinner tonic.

When do we get

to eat supper, Daddy?

Ain't you done

chewing on that surfer?

What about me, Daddy? AII I had was

a gristle from Jezzie's hindquarters.

Oh, enough I Stiflel

Go on, git I

What are you

laughing at, China Rose?

Why don't you do some of that Chinese

laundry we Imported you here for?

This time get out the blood stainsi I

don't want no ring around the collar.

Your wish Is my command, Mayor Luckman,

But remember,

not tickee, no shitee.

Go on, git I

Well, I see there, Ganny,

looks like you're favoring that

dark meat a little bit too much.

Maybe if you were a little bit

more black in your stallion,

I wouldn't need to visit the

stable on long lonely nights.

How many Northerners to seek

vengeance on 'til we can finally rest?

Well, let's see, uh,

last jamboree I think we

took care of 8 of them.

It's 9 here with this now,

It still only makes

us half way to 2001.

Dang it, does that mean we have to

go through this sh*t again next year?

Ah, don't complain.

Oh I My bunions

are killing me

If I was one of those psychos

where would I hide those weapons?

Kinda like

an Easter egg hunt.

Huh?

Yes.

How old is this piece of sh*t?

It's f***ing rusted together!

Whatever. I'm gonna smoke

and laugh about all this.

Are you f***ing

crazy, negra?

Those rednecks think this is

the Civil War or something.

I always knew the South

was loco, but damn I

Sh*t!

Are you okay?

F*** finding a tire. I say we ditch

those b*tches and save ourselves.

Let's go.

The Kosher way

to do this is what?

You gotta cut the throat

and let the blood draln.

This Jew boy ain't

got no throat no more.

Well, then, cut

his balls off, I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

Speaking of balls, I've been

meanlng to mentlon somethlng to you.

I just don't get you.

What?

You know.

Your taste.

Explain me this, brother.

You, brother, spend your time on

some soft girlie girI like JezebeI.

Gosslplng, shopplng

and settln' up house.

I, on the other hand,

like to hang a reaI man,

practicing,

soldiering,

and wrestling.

And my taste?

You tell me, brother, who's really

on the side of the Lord here?

You gotta be f***ing

with me. This easy?

I guess not.

No ammo.

You're kidding me.

F*** this cracker,

VaI, let's go.

Since our lives

are seriously at stake,

there's something

I have to ask you.

Go ahead, babe.

If they find us

dead here

our bodies naked on display

for the whole world to see-

You mean like

in your video?

I'm being

serious, Tina.

Fine. Spill It.

All right. I'm just

gonna come out and say it.

Do my thighs

look fat?

Oh, my God I

Rome, a gun I

You think It's real?

Ah I Tittles

Ugh!

Looks real.

F***, we're going'

around in circles.

I don't get it, Jay.

That's it.

Let's split up.

I don't wanna

split up. M m-hm.

Look-

If one of us gets away

we're both saved, right?

You know I'll

come back with help.

I guess

you're right.

Of course

I'm right, baby.

You go that way,

I'll go this way,

one of us is gonna

find the road.

Okay, but be safe.

You know I will.

What about a gun?

Don't I need one, too?

Well, at least

we found a gun.

Should I say

thank you for that?

It was an accident,

Val. God I

Do you always have to rag

on us, we have feelings, too.

Yeah, like we didn't feel bad

when the avalanche hit New Orleans.

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