21 & Over Page #4

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But I didn't

wanna pass it up

Oh, hey,

it's The Chief.

Dude, what is The Chief doing

all the way over here?

- I wish I was homeless.

- Oh, my God.

Think about it, man, they got no stress.

They have no responsibilities.

What responsibilities

do you have?

Dude, I have a cat that

needs love and affection

and I have to take her on walks.

- You don't take cats on walks.

- I take my cat on walks.

She has fat legs.

Ooh, and I'm busted

for real

Oh, sh*t

Dude, I really don't

want to f*** this up.

JeffChang has wanted to be

a doctor his whole life.

Maybe he should've thought about

that before he went out drinking tonight.

- Yeah, 'cause this is all his fault.

- What is that supposed to mean?

You forced him to go out

and made him get drunk.

JeffChang is a grown man

and he made his own choices.

There was no air horn

involved anywhere?

Nope.

Great. Seems like you haven't

changed at all, that's nice.

Yeah, well, you've changed

because in high school,

- you were sorta cool, Casey.

- What is this jabbing my leg?

But now, you are not cool.

Now you're just super douchey.

- What the f***?

- Holy sh*t.

- What is JeffChang doing with a gun?

- I don't know, man.

Take him.

- Dude, this is a real gun, man.

- I know.

I got it.

He's on the riflery team, right?

You think this guy's OK? He didn't

say anything to you, did he?

No one's trying

to hurt him or anything?

No. But we don't talk as much

as we used to. You know?

All right, let's just

keep going, I guess, right?

I want to shoot something if I

have this f***ing gun in my hand.

- Please don't. Please don't.

- Can I kill a squirrel?

- Miller, put the f***ing gun away.

- OK.

- Let's go.

- I'll kill one later.

- So, what sorority is Nicole in?

- Sigma Zeta something.

Dude, her sorority letters

were written on her rack.

How do you not remember them?

I was more interested

in what she had to say, dude.

Yeah, well, if you

had been a normal guy

and stared at her tits,

we'd be home already.

Speaking of tits,

how is your sister?

Oh, my God.

Sigma Zeta Theta, could that be it?

- Yeah, that's actually right.

- Oh.

Vaginas!

Yeah, you wanna tell us

where you live, man?

Big vagina.

OK. Let's just lock that away for

a few minutes and act normal, OK?

Oh, hello!

Hello. How are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Awesome. Is Nicole in?

Is this some sort of

pledge thing?

- I want cereal. Count Chocula.

- Shh. JeffChang.

- All right.

You don't have to write.

The answer is...

Oh, no, don't even worry about it.

Just tell Nicole to come downstairs.

Just tell her it's Casey.

It's a funny story, actually.

She'll totally love this.

F***! Well, what are

we gonna do now, man?

That was so weird.

Hold him.

- What are you doing?

- Come on.

- Don't leave me with the baby.

- Bring the baby. Come on.

- I can't... f***in'...

- Let's go around the back.

Motherf***er.

Hey. Dude, no, we're not

breaking into a sorority.

Don't be

scared. They're just girls.

Oh, jackpot. Yes.

What? Do you have a better idea?

- Come on.

- I f***ing hate you.

Watch his head.

Watch his head.

It's gonna be fine,

everything's gonna be fine.

- Oh, Jesus. I'm sure he's fine.

- Great.

Oh, God, JeffChang, be careful.

Shh!

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Was Nicole Latina?

She could be half-tina.

I don't know, man.

She seemed pretty Nordic to me.

Dude, Cameron Diaz is Latina. It's just a

meaningless ethnic signifier. Come on.

You know, sometimes,

you say the stupidest sh*t

and other times it's like, Cameron Diaz,

Latina, I never even thought of that.

- Shh!

- Yeah, I really liked her in Shrek.

Yeah, dude,

Shrek was f***ing tight.

I'm hungry!

- Shh, shh, shh!

- I want waffles!

- Sh*t.

- Go.

- I want waffles!

He is way too loud. We definitely

can't bring him with us.

Right, so, what are we gonna do?

Well, we can't just

leave him here, man.

Hi-ya. Hi-ya,

hi-ya, hi-ya. Hi-ya, hi-ya...

Chill out with the rain dance. I'm

trying to tie you to the can.

Hi-ya, hi-ya...

- Is this really the best idea?

- Probably not.

- Let's hump and dump.

- That's not an expression, but OK.

"Rosa. Maria"?

"Incarnazion"?

Dude, something is wrong...

Dude, what are you doing?

Lupe?

Honey, are you OK?

Got a little cramp?

Need a tamp?

Have you seen my bra?

- Go, go, go.

Maybe it's in your room.

F***, it's a dead end.

Go, go, go!

Pledge Gomez and Pledge Aguilar are eager

for our spanking, Pledge Mistress!

Lupita, are you OK?

Lupe.

Lupe.

Is something wrong,

Pledge Mistress?

Why are we not being spanked?

- Don't, don't, don't.

- We wait eagerly, Pledge Mistress.

Pledge Mistress, we are

deserving of this spanking.

- Yes, they are.

- What are you doing?

I'm gonna spank that ass.

- No.

- Shh. I hear something.

- Go check the door.

- We want to be spanked by you, Pledge Mistress.

I feel nothing. Again.

Pledge Aguilar requests a spanking

of her own, Pledge Mistress.

What the f***?

- F***ing...

- I love sorority chicks.

Pledge Mistress,

is there a man in the room?

Um...

Well, say something.

That's right, pledges. This is

a new part of your initiation.

- Really, because that's not...

- Yeah, I don't know about that...

Girls, this is

what the Pledge Mistress said.

Guys, do you want me

to have to call Pledge Mistress?

No, no.

- I don't want to call Pledge Mistress.

You know how she gets this time

of night, but I will wake her up

and tell her you're

being disobedient pledges.

- We're sorry.

- Yeah.

- That's better.

- What's our new assignment?

Find Nicole. Find Nicole.

- Your new assignment...

- Find Nicole.

- ...is to start making out.

- What?

Candy.

I'm hungry.

Who the f*** is this?

Candy bar.

This is so wrong.

Relax, all the kids go les nowadays.

Isn't that right, Becca?

Yeah, totally, but how is this part

of our sorority training again?

I have no idea, but I love you.

I want to make beautiful lesbian

babies with both of you.

Look, do either of you guys...

- God, they're really going at it.

- Yeah.

Do either of you guys know

which room Nicole is in?

Nicole? There's no Nicole

in this sorority.

- What?

- She's not here.

Dude... we're in the

wrong sorority.

No, dude, we're in

the right sorority.

Eyes!

Throat!

Groin!

All right, we do have

to get going soon.

Yeah. No, we'll get going.

Becca? Hey, sorry.

- Will you grab her boobie a little bit?

- Come on, man, that's...

Intruder in the house! Intruder!

I'm so sorry.

- Go, go!

- Go, go, go!

Hey, get your ass back here!

- JeffChang!

- JeffChang, we're coming!

What the hell?

Hey!

We're gonna kick your ass!

Ladies, please,

can we just talk about this?

- Holy sh*t!

- Oh, window!

Go, go, go, go!

We're gonna f*** you up!

- Motherfuckers!

How we gonna get him down?

Uh...

- We're gonna throw him off.

- What? No.

Trust me. A pool cover's like a giant pillow.

I've done this a thousand times.

- You have?

- We're gonna beat your ass!

- OK, on three.

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