22 Jump Street Page #11

We have way more guns than you.

Drop your f***ing guns.

Okay, that's a good point.

Wow.

I mean, was this really

your entire plan?

Coming in here with no backup?

Or maybe we had a far more

elaborate plan. Mmm-hmm.

Maybe my partner has a tracking

device in his pocket right now.

May... what?

You had the f***ing tracking device.

I don't have it.

That's the one f***ing thing

you were supposed to remember.

You're the smart person. You

do the tracking device sh*t.

That's your domain. I

do the Physical sh*t.

You know what, I may

drag you down sometimes,

but every possible time you

can do something dumb,

you do the dumbest

possible thing.

No, the f***ing dumbest

possible thing

is letting two cops

blah-blah-blah

while other cops are getting in

position to bust their sh*t in.

Oh, so you mean I brought

the tracking device.

Yeah. What's up now, huh?

That seemed like such

a real argument.

That's improv, b*tch.

Move!

Spring break yourself, fool.

We shoot d*cks off

here in jump street.

We're here, as well.

We jump street, and we

about to jump in Yo' ass.

Right in the crack.

Don't do it, Leatherface.

He's got the drugs!

This is so boring. No

one's getting shot.

Oh, my God.

Did you just get shot, like,

right after I f***ing said that?

Can I have your gun?

It's bigger.

Stop! I'll shoot you in the ass!

Dad!

Maya?

What are you doing here?

This is a shoot-out.

You know what happens

in a shoot-out.

They always kidnap the girl.

Not always.

Mercedes? You're coming with me.

B*tch, please. I ain't

going nowhere with you.

Now.

Dad, what do I do?

Is that my bathing suit?

Just ask. It's polite.

You shot me in my foot! Wait!

Move! Move faster now!

I'm taking my time. Sh*t, you

shot me in my goddamn foot.

Doug? Doug!

Maya!

Mercedes just took

my dad that way!

Okay, we're on it.

If I die, I'm Gonna kill

both of you motherfuckers!

F***. How are we

Gonna catch him now?

Lambo.

Policia! Policia! F*** off.

Sh*t, there's ghost!

What? What do we do?

Uh, we need to split up.

Are you okay with that?

Yeah, I can do it.

Are you sure?

I need to drive, 'cause

you're faster on foot.

What? I don't get

to drive the lambo?

No, you don't.

Come on, let's go!

But I want... Who gives a sh*t

about the lambo? Just go!

Let go of the f***ing keys!

I can't let 'em go.

You're Gonna have to take 'em.

Take care of her, okay? It'll

be glorious, I promise.

How do you drive this thing?

You got to let her

drive you, bro.

I can't get in.

Hey!

Look where you're going!

It's so confusing!

Easy, b*tch. My

hands are hurting.

Whoa!

You know who's behind

us in that car?

That's one of the best

drivers that we got.

F***!

Oh, sh*t.

- F***ing complicated.

- What is this?

Holy sh*t!

You f***ed up me driving

a Lamborghini, you dick!

F*** you, doves!

Puerto, Mexico, let's

hear you get crazy!

It's like a Batmobile.

Come on, Schmidt!

Old man coming through!

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Brad! Spring break!

Look, I can't, all right?

Dude, I got to go. I got to go.

This is quite enough.

You need to let me go

and drop all this.

Get out of the way!

Tokyo drift!

That was way too

fast and pretty...

Way too... A little

bit too furious.

Schmidt! Get over here!

I'm handcuffed!

Give it up, a**hole!

And nice parking job!

F***! I'll be right back.

I gotta go. I'll be right back.

Sorry.

That's a direct order, motherf***er!

Come over here!

You are so old and weak!

Drop the f***ing gun! Seriously!

Get your wrinkly hands off me!

Where the hell have you been?

Looking for you.

I've been running like crazy!

Hey! Hey.

Want to fight like a man?

Then you better

fight like two men.

Hey. Hey.

Really? More twins?

Get up, old man river!

Come on! Hey.

Get up and hit me,

you f***ing p*ssy!

I'm not Gonna fight a

girl, so just stop!

It shouldn't matter.

If you thought of me as a

person instead of a woman,

you would hit me and

not feel bad about it.

Okay. Bring it!

I'm ready.

It's on now, Dawg.

Girl fight.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.

Is there blood in my eye? Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

I think there's blood in my eye.

F***ing learn how to hit!

That's a little better!

That's a little better, motherf***er!

Come on! Come on!

No! No! What?

What were you doing?

What am I doing?

Why'd you try to kiss me?

I didn't f***ing

try and kiss you!

Yes, you did. Ooh,

you're so weird!

You're f***ing Mr. and Mrs.

Smith-ing me.

I'm not Mr. and Mrs.

Smith-ing you.

This wasn't a sexy fight.

Oh, like you haven't wanted

to kiss me the whole time.

I never once wanted to kiss you!

Never! No!

You just did it again!

Stop it! Stop!

You're making a

face that is sexy!

I don't even want to kiss you!

Then stop trying!

You keep trying!

I've never tried to kiss you.

You gave me "kiss me" eyes.

No, I didn't.

The eyes were "I just got

punched in the face" eyes.

They weren't "kiss me" eyes.

I don't even like you!

Neither do I, so

stop kissing me!

Okay!

No! You're leaning in again!

I didn't know if we were

Gonna punch or kiss!

You're making this

so uncomfortable.

This is the most uncomfortable

fistfight I've ever been in.

I'm Gonna give you an out by

punching you in the face.

Okay? Okay.

And then we're Gonna

go back to fighting

and we'll pretend

this never happened,

'cause I feel so awkward.

I want to see you get crazy!

Whoo!

I f***ing hate spring break!

F***!

Ow!

Are you kidding me?

It's plastic.

Doesn't even hurt! Okay...

This isn't the spring

break you imagined?

How about this? You

want a little fun?

What is that?

Get wet, baby!

So much lube in my face!

Oh.

Lube on my face.

You're so violent!

Get off me unless

you're Gonna f*** me!

I'm not Gonna f*** you!

Are we Gonna f***?

No, we're not!

Is that what's happening?

No! I'm not Gonna

f*** you, ever!

Get off!

Hey!

Hey!

What? What are you Gonna do?

Choke me with your

liver-spotted hands?

You Gonna push me over

with your Walker?

I'm impressed you

caught up to me.

You probably haven't

run that fast

since you played

stickball in the field

behind old pop

Wiggleby's sweet shop.

Freeze, b*tch. Oh, thank God.

Look who got off the

motherfucking leash.

Now who's the damsel in distress?

F***!

Well, I guess it's him.

I don't have a clean

shot, Schmidt.

Then don't take the shot!

Maybe I want to

take a dirty shot.

Kind of like the dirty shot

you took on my daughter.

I didn't take a dirty shot

on your daughter, okay?

We talked a lot, and we

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