22 Jump Street Page #7

I don't like the idea of

us doing stuff separately.

No, look, we can

still investigate

together.

It's just, you know, now

it'll be an open thing.

You want an open investigation?

I don't know if

that's what I want.

All right? I just think it's healthy

right now for us to try it.

Okay.

Yeah? Sure.

Okay, so I guess I'll just

catch you later, then.

You okay?

No, you can't hug me right now.

Do you need money for

a cab or anything?

No, I don't need

money for a cab.

Okay.

I don't know where the

f*** I am right now.

Hey, Lauren.

I just want to get in bed

and watch friends all day.

Let's hear it for your

metropolitan city state statesmen!

And the statesmen

take the field

for the opening game against the

university of college generals.

Ready?

And a surprise start today

for walk-on freshman

Brad Mcquaid.

Looks pretty old

to be a freshman.

It's the hormones

in the milk, Bob.

Ready? Set, hut!

Haythe drops back.

And connects with Mcquaid!

Who beats safety will glock like an egg

white in my famous meringue recipe.

Holy sh*t, he's good.

None of you tell Mcquaid

that he's good, all right?

If you do, he'll leave

this shitty program.

And as the clock ticks down,

we've got time for one last play.

Another perfect hookup

between Haythe and Mcquaid.

Even their end zone celebration

is in perfect sync.

It's like these two share

a single brain, Bob.

That's right, Jim. They

both have one half a brain.

And the crowd rushes the field

to try and knock

down a goalpost.

It's not coming down!

Good luck, guys.

Looks like mc state's

got a new power couple.

Zook and mcquaid!

I got to get around you, man.

I can't jump up. I

got a broken ankle.

Yeah!

F*** yes!

Yeah! One more!

Sh*t.

Who is that?

Nothing. All right, ready?

Come on!

Focus!

Come on! Do it!

F*** you, Arnold

Schwarzenegger!

I'm so jammed! F*** you!

There's a sock on the door!

Don't come in!

F***, yeah!

I'm having sex with

a human woman.

My God! F***!

Hey! Look at you!

What are you guys doing here?

What? Are you kidding?

It's parents weekend.

F***.

Wonderful. You're

dating someone.

Thanks, mom. Listen,

we're undercover, okay?

Thank you. No problem.

Doug!

Maya!

Hey. Hi.

These are my parents.

So this is the girl?

Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your

new mother-in-law.

Nice to meet you.

Worst thing to say.

Hi. Hey. David.

My dad. Nice to meet you.

Well, my parents are here, too.

Maya, hurry up!

Your mama done found

a table she want.

How do you know this person?

Dad, this is Doug, a

guy that I'm dating.

The f***? I...

How's your classes going, Doug?

You... we were just in

the neighborhood, and...

I have an idea. Why don't

we all sit together?

Would that be fun?

Yes, thank you.

So...

Do you like weather?

You two know each other?

No.

This is crazy, all these, uh,

students and parents.

Potential witnesses.

How did you two meet?

Oh, I love meet-cute stories.

We met at a poetry slam,

and then he stalked me

back to my dorm room.

Stalked her? Oh,

that's so beautiful.

Then what happened?

And then we hung out and

we watched a movie.

Actually, we watched

it a couple times.

This is bullshit!

This f***ing... waiter!

What can a black man do to

get some water around here?

Give the f***ing guy some water!

He's black! He's

been through a lot!

For the sake of your daughter,

please keep it together.

I'm Gonna need a motherfucking

crepe before I go crazy.

I'll be right back.

So, where are you

from originally?

I'm straight outta Compton,

but my husband's

from Northridge.

Come on, man, hook me up.

What the f*** y'all doing?

Y'all rationing around here?

Come on, hook me up. Two

little f***ing string beans?

Give me the goddamn

string beans.

I want some f***ing

deviled eggs.

I like fruit. Don't

you like fruit?

I like fruit.

But this pork sh*t? Got to go!

He's really taking it

out on the omelet bar.

Sh*t was nasty!

He's under a lot of

pressure at work.

What's up, playa? Want

to go to the movies?

I'll break your motherfucking legs!

Break your legs!

What?

How you doing, Mr. nice plant?

Get your f***ing ass in there.

Hey, you want another beer?

I'm Gonna get another beer.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do another.

Hey, look, man,

you know you can always

tell me something

if you want to get

it off your chest.

You know I'm always

here for you, right?

What are you trying to say?

No, nothing.

All right, with

everything that happened

with Cynthia and whyphy,

I just don't want

you to screw up.

You don't think I

know what I'm doing?

What? I know exactly

what I'm doing here.

I'm Gonna tell you

something, all right?

Can I trust you?

Yeah, of course.

I have a friend who

knows a guy at UMC.

He's a scout. It's d-I.

Their QB, he's not playing well.

They're not happy

with the situation.

They want me to make a tape.

And I want you to

be on it with me.

Nothing else?

They had five guys in

the draft last year.

I mean, Brad, this

could be our shot.

We're like the dynamic duo, bro.

We're like Batman and Robin.

But we're both Batman.

What do you want to be,

like, a stockbroker?

Or a cop?

Dude, your ceiling is, like,

so high.

You can just bust right...

Just break right through it.

Right through it.

Right through it.

Right through it.

You really think I

could make it at UMC?

Dude, you could make it

into the hall of fame.

No, dude, come on, that's you.

You're Gonna be in, like, the

anals of football history.

Dude, you could make it into the

anals of football history, too.

We're Gonna have to

tear those anals up.

All right. We're Gonna

f***ing tear it up.

I mean, it's just a tape, right?

I f***ing hate my dad so much.

Do you have any idea

what it's like to

have a guy like that

telling you what to

do all the time?

I can only imagine.

I just don't understand what his

problem is with you specifically.

I don't... Jesus. That

makes no sense to me.

I mean, you are a

perfectly good guy.

You're very honest and nice.

Why does my dad have

your phone number?

I don't know. Maybe the school

directory or something.

Let's do something...

Let's do something that

would distract us.

Okay.

So we don't have to think

about him anymore.

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

All right. Um...

Maya.

Is it okay if we just talk?

Okay.

Let's talk.

No way. Yeah.

I was Peter Pan, but

then I was, like, late.

You're really close with

your brother, then.

It seems like. Yeah.

Yeah, you know...

You're a f***ing genius, dude.

Are you sure it's not

too much, though? No!

Yeah! F***, yeah!

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