40 Days and 40 Nights Page #5

-Oh, no. Look.

Let me show you people.

DAD:
See...

...they sent me this sheet.

Whole bunch of different positions on it.

Ijust check off the ones l can do.

Like this one here.

I can do that, so l check the box.

Hey, here's an old standby.

But see, l can't do that because,

you know, my hip.

So l don't check the box.

Bev, have we ever tried this before?

Walter, how could you forget the Maui Hilton?

In the shower.

-I nearly killed myself.

-Yes.

MATT:
Damn it.

Surprise inspection.

What the hell is that thing?

It's a special light that allows me

to see if any fluids have been liberated.

(Ryan whistles a lullaby)

Keep up the good work.

(Matt clears his throat)

JERRY:
These are good.

Is he twisting her nipple?

That's an oversight. I'll fix that.

I know what you mean,

l've been searching for porn all week.

What am l doing wrong?

I mean, not only is my wife not begging for it,

she's not....

I've never seen her so happy.

And today. Did you see?

lt's the warmest day of the year.

Yeah, it's spring.

It's spring, goddamn it, and they're....

Look at them. They're all wearing

their little summer dresses. Just....

What am l supposed to do now, Vow Boy?

Fix this.

Damn it!

-What's up, Dun?

-Hey, what's up, dog?

-What are you doing?

-Just freshening up.

I'm tired of waiting for things to happen,

and my money's on today.

Yeah, that's great.

So what the f*** is that?

This is what the American Medical Association

refers to as Viagra.

I'm not going to let you do that, bro.

Well, you can be bought, bro.

Yeah.

Who's that? What's that?

NICK:
Oh, God.

That's that new girl in tech support.

Did you know that regular ejaculation

is a preventative against prostate cancer?

NICK:
So is it that you hate your penis?

Because l mean,

l personally feel like that's, you know....

God, that's one of the best relationships l have.

I mean, why do you think

they call it the little head? l'll tell you why.

Because he has ideas.

DUNCAN:
Nice going, dumbass.

NICK:
What?

CHRIS:
Hey, Jerry.

Chow mein, new girl in tech. Very hot.

This tastes funny. Not bad, just funny.

Hey, Jerry.

(Lively instrumental music)

Excuse me.

JERRY:
Do you need this?

GIRL:
No. Go ahead.

-I'm so thirsty.

-Are you okay?

Captain Blue Balls.

I've been looking foryou since lunch.

I was just maintaining these.

Yeah, Matt, look at yourself.

Your life is sh*t.

You're hiding outin a f***ing storage room.

Okay, here's how it's going to go.

You've already won.

You've already proven everyone wrong.

Now it's serious.

Now it's up to $18,000.

That's a lot of money, isn't it?

It's your vow. It should be your money.

So l'm going to splitit with you.

That's right.

And all you have to do is take the dive.

Think aboutit. $9,000.

Nine large.

Just take this.

You like her. Now we are talking.

She's something, isn'tshe?

Take her into the bathroom,

and get on with your life.

(Dramatic instrumental music)

-No, you can't do this.

-Yes, l can.

I want to talk to him.

Matt, don't do it.

(Dramatic instrumental music)

Think about the little guy, Matt.

Think about me. Don't think about mel

No, no.

Get out of here.

-Get out of here.

-Matt, this is important.

-I'm going to go in there.

-I will throw down.

Fire in the hole.

-I'm going to give you till the count of three.

-Let's rock 'n' roll.

Do you understand why l had to do that?

(Sound of tapping)

(Excited grunting and panting)

(Satisfied groan)

Jerry?

JERRY:
Jerry's not here right now.

May l take a message?

What about the vow?

JERRY:
l tried. I didn't.... I tried.

(Toilet flushes)

It hit me all at once.

I've jerked off three times since lunch.

I still have this f***ing hard-on.

Way to go, Mr. Anderson.

Two more and you break the company record.

(General chatter)

What?

RYAN:
l'm going in.

Where is Matt?

Well, l don't know.

He didn't do it.

(Cheers and groans)

(Doorbell rings)

MATT:
Hi.

I know l shouldn't be here.

But l've been thinking about you a lot,

and l had to see you.

What are those, like some kind of a bribe?

More like gentle persuasion.

ERICA:
Okay, is this going to get worse

before it gets better?

Probably, but l got to get this out

before l lose my train of thought.

See...

...Nicole had this...

...special status.

More like a special power,

and l couldn't match it.

-And l couldn't find anybody to replace it.

-I think l get it.

You do?

It's very easy to confuse a physical attraction...

...with a real connection.

Yeah, sometimes you just can't tell.

Well, you can tell. You can tell by the kiss.

You know, the other stuff, the sex, "ls he hot?"

lt doesn't matter.

All that matters is the kiss.

-How do you know about me?

-I don't.

ERICA:
l don't even know if you can feel that.

I can feel that.

Is this against the rules?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

-I'm thinking no.

-I'm thinking no, too.

Come here.

(Romantic pop music)

(Romantic music continues)

I wasn't supposed to do that, was l?

Good night, sweetie.

No, no. Don't go to sleep yet because...

...we should talk about something.

We could talk about anything.

We could talk about stickers.

Do you like stickers?

Erica?

CHRIS:
Matt, what are you doing?

The Willow and Smart people are here.

You're late for the presentation. Come on.

(lndistinct chatter)

Hi. Sorry l'm late.

Mrs. Willow.

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Matt.

Come over here for a second.

JERRY:
Care for some chamomile tea?

MRS. WILLOW:
Yes.

-I think Little Matty is trying to say, "Hello!"

-Oh, Jesus.

You might want to try some tightie whities,

maybe some jeans.

-You. Go home. Now.

-Okay.

So shall we get it on? Start.

From a flower?

Like a vibrating flower?

No. No, just a flower.

And he didn't touch you once?

He didn't even try to touch you?

No, and l so wanted him to,

but what we were doing was so perfect.

Oh, yeah. Perfect. The immaculate orgasm.

You are unbelievable.

(Soft pop music plays)

(Doorbell rings)

Erica.

Coming.

-Hey, baby.

-That's sweet.

I really needed to hear that.

God. I must look awful.

Yeah.

Well, you don't look so great.

It's a long story.

What are you doing here, Nicole?

I just...

...needed to talk to someone.

-Where's David?

-I don't know.

-At the office probably.

-Working late?

We broke it off. It's over.

Or he broke it off. I don't know.

He made the commitment,

but l guess he wasn't too committed to it.

I'm sorry.

How's...

...Emily?

Her name's Erica.

Good.

You never think about me anymore?

Not even just a little?

Let me put it this way.

I have thought about you.

About us. A lot.

But tonight when you came in...

...it was the first time

that l didn't get all f***ed up about it.

I think we could get you f***ed up

about it again.

MATT:
Maybe you should go.

I think your little friend here wants me to stay.

My little friend is not in charge anymore,

so maybe you should go.

-You're saying no to me?

-You always do this to me.

I'm the idiot because l keep coming back,

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