A Bad Idea Gone Wrong Page #3

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- By itself?

- Yeah, and then I turned

it on, what's your deal?

- What are you doing?

- I'm taking this, we haven't

found sh*t.

This fits in my bag, it's

gotta be worth something.

- It's just a lamp.

- Yeah, but it's old and cool!

You've seen those shows

where people find weird stuff

and it turns out to be

worth a bundle.

I saw this one where this

guy had an old spittoon,

turned out to belong

to some famous cowboy

or somethin', $100,000.

- Cowboys didn't have lamps.

- It doesn't have

to be a cowboy,

that's not the important part.

It's just that, generally, old

things are,

you know, can be, uh, um.

I don't know

all the specific rules,

but this is old and

funky and you never know!

- Uh, I do, ehm.

I'm telling you, it's worth

a couple hundred bucks.

Maybe three by now, maybe.

- Well, we'll see.

- It is.

- You say.

- I don't say, I know.

- How?

- Because I bought it.

- You have one of these,

I haven't seen it.

- No, this one, I bought it,

and we can't take it.

- Why would a lamp

that you bought

be in a house

that we're robbing?

Who's house is this?

- Jessica's.

- Oh,

you have got to let it go!

So, what,

you've been stalking her?

- No!

- But you know where she lives.

- That's just Facebook.

- You're still Facebook friends

with her?

So you've just been

stalking her online?

- That's not stalking,

that's what Facebook is for.

- How did you

know where the key was?

- We usedta' live together,

she loves the hide-a-rock.

She, she used to

give it to everyone,

every housewarming gift

ever was a hide-a-rock.

She thinks it's the height

of human innovation.

- So what exactly was

your plan here?

- To rob the place.

- Why?

- Why?

We've been talkin'

about it forever,

so I found a good place!

- No, you found a

terrible place!

I wanted to rob someplace cool,

not your ex-fiancee's new

fiance's house.

- It's a good place.

There's jewelry,

diamonds.

- Diamonds, she has diamonds?

- A diamond, for sure.

- Wait, are we just here to

steal back your engagement ring?

- She shouldn't have kept it.

- Holy sh*t!

- She shouldn't have, and she

knows it!

- Why didn't you just

ask for it back?

- There was a lot goin' on!

We both wanted the Cuisinart,

we had a big argument

about who put down

the security deposit.

- You've gotta be kidding me!

- Neither of us even

thought about the ring,

and then I did, and I thought,

well, if I realize it,

then she realizes it,

and she'll bring it back soon.

And then she didn't,

and then I thought,

well, maybe that

means something.

Maybe she's not ready to let go,

and then she got engaged,

and then that was

the last straw.

- This is the saddest heist

in the long,

storied history of crime.

- No, it's not,

it's the perfect crime!

I get my ring back,

you get to steal his

stupid rich guy's stuff.

- Except that.

- That's not his, that's

hers, I gave that to her.

- Even better,

you get it back, too.

- No, look, she kept it, here.

In her house, with her fiancee,

on a table all by itself.

Don't you see?

I'm still here!

She's still has a thing for me.

- She doesn't have a

thing for you,

she has a thing for this thing.

This thing is nice!

- I'm nice!

- She's engaged to another guy.

- She can still change her mind.

I know this.

- So she kept your

ring, and she kept your lamp,

so she's gonna get back together

with you?

- Maybe.

- Maybe?

What about the girl up there?

- Who?

- The girl we just taped

up, the house sitter!

- I don't know, what about her?

- She's a friend and she's seen

your face.

So, you and Jessica are

gonna get back together

and you're gonna run into

her and she's gonna be like,

"oh, do you know Leo?"

"Oh, yeah, he tied me up in

your bedroom that one time!"

- Guys?

- She's not the quiet type.

- Hey, guys?

- Come on!

- Guys!

- That's not quiet shouting,

that's regular, loud shouting.

- Sorry, I really

have to go to the bathroom.

- Would you stop it?

- Does it look ok?

- It's fine.

- Ok.

- She has to go to the bathroom.

- How bad?

- Pretty bad.

- Ok, let's, um,

let's tear a little hole

in the sheet around her, uh...

- I'm not doing

that, that's super rapey!

- That's not rapey, it's,

we're being courteous!

Ok, you have to go

to the bathroom?

That's no one's fault.

We appreciate that you,

uh, didn't soil the bed.

That shows a lot of respect.

Not towards us, specifically,

but just, you know,

general respect towards humankind

and, uh, societal norms.

So that's a good trust-building

move, am I right?

- Sure. Ok, so, you showed

some respect,

we will do likewise and un-tape

you, ok?

- Yes, please. But just to go to the

bathroom, that's it.

So you can tend to your needs.

Then, we'll tape you back up.

- I understand.

- Ok, Doug, let's.

Oh, it's tearing the sheet a

little here.

- See, the sheets were my idea.

Didn't wanna tear up your skin.

- Thank you.

- Oh, it was nothing.

Anyone would've, I mean,

he didn't.

- Hey!

- But really, anyone.

- Whoa!

- What?

- I'm not dressed!

- Well, you're not

undressed, you're

wearin' underwear.

- Well, still, that's not the...

- we've already seen you.

- Well, I'd prefer that

you did not see me again!

- I don't know if this helps,

but you really shouldn't

have any body shame.

- What? I-I'm just saying, you're

overall fitness seems high.

Whatever work you're doing

is really paying off.

You should be super proud of

the, uh...

- Ok!

- Results.

- That's enough.

You're in your underwear, you

have to go to the bathroom.

Those are just two facts, deal

with 'em!

We don't care,

we're not perverts.

We're thieves, ok?

No, let's go!

There's a window, so, uh,

we're going in with you.

- Why?

- So you don't run away.

- I'm not gonna run away,

I'm in my underwear!

- Who cares, Cindy birdsong

jumped out of a moving vehicle

on the long beach

freeway to avoid capture.

A little panty dash is nothin'.

- Who is Cindy birdsong?

- One of the Supremes.

- Why do you know that? 'Cause

I'm an educated person, come on!

- What, both of you?

- Fine, I'll go.

- Ok, because I have to go

number two.

- Fine, we'll flip for it.

- Heads.

- Hey, um,

you can have a little

bit of dignity anyhow.

Let's see, what else?

That'll help a little, but you

gotta give me the mercy flush.

- What? Just, well, as soon as it,

you know,

hits the water, just

get rid of it, flush it.

Now is now the time

for water conservation.

- Ok. Let's see, she normally

has a lavender,

people have lavender spray, so.

You do that, and I'll use these,

and that'll, uh, mask any of,

uh, maybe turn on the shower.

- Why?

- Just to cover up any noises.

Ok, good.

Uh, do you feel good?

- Uh, yeah.

- Good, um, uhn,

get to it, I guess.

My name's not Doug,

just so you know.

Doesn't matter what

my real name is,

I just don't like Doug.

Don't want you thinkin'

of me as a Doug.

We actually probably have stuff

in common.

Friends, maybe, even, like, the

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