A Bad Idea Gone Wrong Page #4

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point is,

it's a small world, that's all

I'm sayin'.

Hey, the system's workin'

well, though, isn't it?

I haven't, I wouldn't even know

that yeh!

- You guys ok in there?

- Marlon, Marlon!

- Stay there!

- Don't hurt him!

- You f***ers are letting me go!

- Ok, yes, just stay calm!

- I am calm, I will calmly

choke your friend to death!

- No, no, no, don't,

don't, don't, look, look!

He's fading, he's just, just let

us out,

and we'll go away, it'll be

like this never happened!

- Ok, all right, just let me go!

- Ok, yes, just let us out!

- Ok!

Wait, what, let you out?

What are you talking about?

The alarm, just let us out

and we'll be f***in' gone!

- The alarm's off!

- No, we armed it,

it was an accident,

so just type in the

code, and we'll be gone

and that's that, I swear!

- I saw, I saw clouds,

people made of clouds,

and they were goin'...

- it's ok, it's ok,

you're all right.

You're all right, we're

gettin' out of here.

- You armed it?

- I was establishing a pattern.

What's wrong?

- I don't know the code.

- Why not?

- I'm not the house sitter.

- Why would a pet need a taxi?

- It's a thing, ok?

People wanna get their

dogs to the groomers

or off to the kennel before they

go away.

- One-percenters, man.

- Yeah, they will throw

down for their pets.

It's crazy, I don't mean

that like a figure of speech,

I mean like!

I've seen a dog with a

collar that cost 500 bucks.

Can you believe that sh*t?

500 American for a dog collar!

- So you pick up the dog

and take it to the kennel,

why would they give you a key?

- They didn't.

- Hide-a-rock?

- What?

- How did you get in?

- I picked the lock.

You ok?

- Sorry, it's just, that's

really cool.

What's your deal?

- She has a dog?

I always wanted a dog,

but she wouldn't let us.

Now, f***ing dog?

- Wait, do you guys know

these people?

- His ex-fiancee.

- Shut up! That is crazier

than a $500 dog collar!

- No, it's not, I'm just here

to get back my engagement ring.

- Wait, she kept the ring?

What a c*nt!

- Hey, whoa, no,

she is not a c*nt!

- Are you sure about that,

because that's a straight-up

c*nt move.

- Yes, I'm sure.

Pretty sure.

- Wait, so don't take this the

wrong way,

But I'm not really getting a master

cat burglar vibe from you guys.

- You don't know us!

- I know that you turned on

the security system somehow.

- I was establishing a pattern.

How did you know it wasn't

armed in the first place, huh?

Did you just waltz in, pick

the lock, that's reckless!

- Because I saw them not arm it!

I came to pick up the dog,

they were hustling about,

he was like, "uh, do you need

to put anything in the spot?"

And she was like, "um, my

laptop," and then he was like,

"uh, it's already in

there," and then they left,

locked the door, no alarm,

it's somethin' I look for.

- Something you look for?

- Yeah.

- Why?

- So I don't get arrested.

- Wait, this is, like, a thing

you do?

- Yeah, I mean, they're gone.

My apartment's a dump, and

they've got laundry and HBO.

It's like a f***ing

resort in these places!

Relaxing.

Until now.

Now, it's all stressful.

Now I need a drink.

- Where are you going?

- Wine! Wait, uh, we need

to figure out

How we're going to

get out of here.

Ok, they're not gonna be

home for a couple of days.

I believe I have time for a

glass of wine.

- In the old days,

that alarm code

would've been our anniversary.

- You guys had an alarm

in that shitty apartment?

- God, no, but she used our

anniversary for everything.

It was her pin number,

her bank password.

If we hadn't broken up, I

could've gotten us out of here.

- If you hadn't broken

up, we wouldn't be here.

- Even better.

It's like she's still

finding new ways to hurt me.

- What are you looking for?

- The dusty ones, they've been

keeping those the longest,

so that means they're good.

Then you just pack

out the bottle,

they assume that they drank it

and forgot.

I mean, that's the

beauty of booze.

It makes things fuzzy.

What'd you get?

- Zinfandel.

- Ah, Primativo, that's its

other name.

You learn.

- Sangee-oh-vice.

- Sangiovese, blood of Jove,

it's the only grape named after

a god.

- That's good.

- Come on, let us go be gods!

- Hmm!

I stole money from the

collection plate at church.

- I told a guy that

I was pregnant

and let him believe

it for three days.

- I kissed my step-mom.

She was asleep.

- Did she wake up?

- Yeah.

- Ok, you win.

- Do I, though?

- No.

Hey-hey-hey!

Mm, mm, this is tasty?

- Which?

- Uh, Le poof Le puff,

the, uh French.

Oh, uh, sorry, what's your name?

- Marlon. Marlon, it's the other one.

Wait, Marlon?

- Yeah.

- Like the fish?

- No, like Marlon Brando.

- Oh, it's funny, I never

think of the fish with him.

I guess because it's never just

Marlon, it's Marlon Brando.

What's your last name?

- It's, uh...

- don't tell her your last name,

you shouldn't have told

her your first name!

- I told you mine.

- Did you?

- Yes, it's Darcy.

- Is it?

- The f***, dude, yes!

Why would I lie about that?

- 'Cause you're a liar,

because you break into

people's houses.

That's not trustworthy behavior.

- You guys broke in.

- No, we used the key.

- You're robbing the place.

- Not yet, we haven't taken

anything yet.

- Clearly, you intend to,

you're gonna take that lamp.

You've been carrying it around

with you from room to room.

It's as good as gone!

- No, we're not taking it.

I'm carrying it around to

keep him from taking it,

so that just goes to show what

you know.

- Did you know Niagara Falls is

actually

three separate falls,

bridal veil...

- stop it, Jesus!

You lug around all this

useless trivia, and for what?

- Hold on, at least I

know real stuff!

You're the world's

leading expert in a woman

that doesn't even

love you anymore!

So, when are you gonna

put that to good use?

- When we're back together.

- It's a, it's a cool lamp,

though.

- Yeah, have you ever been?

- Niagara Falls?

- It's a lot of water, an

impossible amount of water.

It's inevitable.

It just keeps coming and coming,

and the noise, it's,

you don't even hear it.

It's not like something

else anymore,

it's just,

it's the only thing there is.

It's terrifying.

And then someone holds your hand

and her skin

and the air,

and this noise.

It's everything, you know,

everything.

You've got it all in your hand.

It's the happiest we ever were,

and she's kept me here with her,

you see?

So I'm staying.

The lamp stays.

I'm going to look for that key.

- So, uh, your folks, Marlon

Brando fans?

- Marlon Jackson,

the Jackson 5.

- That's, uh, not,

Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.

Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.

- Marlon.

- Marlon.

You should never tell

anybody that ever again.

- Oh, I was just trying it on.

- What?

- It's nice, I was just.

- Is it Jessica's?

I don't care,

you should take it.

Looks nice on you.

- Did you find anything?

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