A Bad Idea Gone Wrong Page #5

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- No.

I just thought, five

years we were together,

maybe there'd be one

picture of me.

- Well, maybe he's the

jealous type.

I mean, dudes don't

really wanna see photos

of ex-boyfriend's lying around.

- Ex-fiancee.

- Even worse!

She's pretty.

Look at this guy!

His face is too big

for his head.

So yeah, he definitely

doesn't wanna see photos of you.

That's the kind of guy

who names his dog Fido.

- What?

- Yeah, they named

their dog Fido, no sh*t.

Like straight out of a

comic book or something.

- That wh, was my name!

- Wait, so it's not Doug, it's...

- that's what I was gonna name

our dog

She wouldn't let us get! I always told her,

"wouldn't that be funny?"

It's like, everyone thinks

of that as a dog's name,

but no one actually names their

dog that.

Here, Fido!

It'd be f***in' hilarious!

- It'd be a unique cliche,

in canine form.

- See, you get it.

- Hello, beautiful!

- That motherf***er's

got a dog named Fido,

and he doesn't even know why!

- Dumb sh*t! Yeah, oh, maybe you don't

have any pictures of me

in your house, but you're

runnin' around sayin',

"mm, here, Fido, come, Fido!"

Might as well be balls

deep in your old lady, man!

- He's your cuckold!

- What's that?

- It's where one guy watches the

other guy

have sex with his girl

and likes it.

- That's a thing?

- Yeah.

Mm, don't judge, it's too easy.

You know, you find something

that makes you feel good,

that's hard to come by.

- When you, you choked me...

- yeah, I'm sorry about that,

that...

- it's, it's ok, I just, I'm,

right at the end there,

just as I was starting

to black out,

it was the most euphoric thing

I've ever felt in my life.

- Does that mean stop?

Was it ok?

- It was amazing.

- I wanna try.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, definitely.

- Uh, well, maybe

we should have a safe word,

you know, like when you want me

to stop,

you say rutabaga or whatever.

- How am I gonna say rutabaga

if you're choking me?

- Rooabegguh.

- How 'bout I just

squeeze your wrist

really quick, like this?

- Kay, you ready?

- I have HBO.

- What?

- At my apartment,

I have HBO and laundry.

- Ok.

- Ok.

- Good morning.

- Hey.

- That was quite a thing, huh?

- Uh, thing?

- Uh, I just mean, you know.

- What, I don't know,

what's a thing?

- Uh, a night, I guess.

- Oh, yeah, definitely

was a night, ok, yep.

- What are you,

what are you doing?

- I'm just trying to,

there we go.

Get my underwear.

- Did i...

- hmm?

- Is something wrong?

- Um, I just,

I, I shouldn'ta done that.

- It's ok, it's ok, I mean,

things got kinda wild, but...

- no, it's not ok.

Um, this is Jessica's bed,

and I shouldn't be having sex

with someone else in

Jessica's bed.

- Well, I mean, she has sex

with someone else in this bed.

- Don't make it gross!

This, it was disrespectful,

and I shouldn't have done that

to her.

- I don't mean to nitpick here,

but you didn't do anything

to her.

You did a lot of things to me.

- Uh, oh.

- What are you doing?

- Uh, we need to wash

these sheets.

- Oh, Jesus!

- What, that's just

common courtesy.

- No, you just f***ed

me six ways to Sunday!

Common courtesy is to

buy me breakfast!

- I'm sorry, I-i didn't mean to

f*** you.

It was an accident.

- Well, that was

a long, drawn-out accident!

- Yeah, sorry.

You found the computer.

- I did.

- Why are you wearing a robe?

- Because Jessica's fiancee

has terrible toilet aim.

I can't find the code,

by the way.

I'm looking for hours,

found a lot of other stuff,

but no alarm code.

Whatta you been up to?

- Um, fell asleep, the wine,

you know.

I-is this all the jewelry

you found?

- Why, do you wanna add it

to the jewelry you found?

- No, it's just, uh, my ring's

not here.

- Maybe she got rid of it.

- What's that mean?

- You know, sold it,

gave it away.

Threw it in the ocean.

- Wh-wh-why-wh,

what's this?

- Diary.

- Jessica's?

- Yeah.

- How do you know,

did you read it?

- I'm looking for the code.

Morning.

- Morning, anyone

want breakfast?

I'm buying!

- I'm not in here at, at all!

- I noticed that.

- I mean, I didn't expect

to be on every page,

but maybe one mention

would be nice, you know.

"I thought of Leo today

in passing,

"he's a person that I remember."

- Yep, some people just

aren't much for history.

- Hold on, there's gotta be at

least one.

- You looked stressed, you

want some tomato juice?

- Yeah, did I tell you that?

- Tell me what?

- That tomato juice

calms me down.

- Come on, man!

Oh, 11:
11!

- $104,900,

that's what we're up to.

It's been 525 days since our

last winner,

twice a day, every day,

at 11:
11,

we pose the impossible question!

And the good, kind folks

as black bear markets

add another hundred dollars

- to the kitty.

- Shh!

- Call with

the answer within 22 seconds

and that kitty's all yours.

It's so simple

if it weren't impossible,

so phones at the ready.

Here it comes, other

than Elvis Presley, who...

- turn it off!

Turn it off, turn it off!

- What the f***!

- One calendar year?

- The f*** is wrong

with you people?

- 10 seconds left.

- Shh!

- God! Other than Elvis Presley, who

outlived his twin brother at childbirth

and went on to have

four number one singles

in one calendar year?

- Marlon Jackson,

it's Marlon Jackson!

It's ringing!

- And time is up!

- F***!

- The answer, Marlon Jackson

of the Jackson 5!

- Oh, sh*t!

Brandon died at childbirth,

and the Jackson 5 had four

number one hits in 1970.

I want you back,

ABC, the love you save, and I'll

be there.

- They're coming home.

- Where are they now?

- I don't know, she

posted this an hour ago.

Headed home early, I wonder

what happened?

- Who cares! Why are you creeping on

her Facebook like that?

- I am not Cree, that's

irrelevant to the situation, ok?

They're coming home, here, now!

- Where were they?

- I don't know.

- Hawaii.

- Creeper! Don't ke, all right.

You're the creeper, always

breakin' into houses,

tryin' on people's lives

'cause you don't like your own.

- My life is fine.

I just do it for the thrill.

- Well, I had a real life once

and it was pretty

f***in' thrilling.

- Ok, look.

Hawaii is a long flight.

They have to get their

baggage, there's the cab ride.

We've got some time.

- To do what, we either get

caught by her,

or we trip the alarm and

get caught by the cops!

- I choose the cops.

- Are you serious?

- If we get caught by her,

she's gonna call the

cops, it all ends in cops!

- Not if we talk our way

out of it.

- How am I gonna talk my way out

of it?

She knows me, intimately!

Oh, so, am I like,

"hey, Jessica,

"wow, what are you doin' here?

"We're just trying to

rob this place,

"small world after all, huh?"

- Ok, so we hide you in the

fish and I do the talking.

- Actually, uh,

she knows me, too.

She hates me.

- Ok, so we hide both of you.

- Fine, so say that you spin

a real silver-tongued yarn

and they let you go, how do we

get out?

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