A Fish Called Wanda Page #3

Might this case be put down

for an early trial?

The listings officer will decide.

Take him to the cell.

Hi, hon. You look great! I love

your hair! Time for a coffee?

No. Have you considered it, though?

Why did he give you this? "Eileen

Cody, 69, Basil Street"? Is it to

send her flowers? Do her shopping?

Rub her out?

He wants you to rub her out?

He's going to kill her!

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

F*** off, or I'll kill YOU!

Limey fruits!

So the old lady's going to m-meet

with an accident, eh, K-Ken? Sssh!

What's so funny? Nothing. It's just

that wasting old ladies isn't nice!

It's better than...buggering people!

I bet you a pound

you don't kill her!

All right. All right.

I love watching your ass when you

walk. Is that beautiful or what?

Don't go near him! He's mine!

A pound says you won't kill her!

When could you look at it?

Thursday is hopeless.

My wife's going to the opera

Friday night. I'll look at it then.

Thanks, Archie.

Hi. I know we're not allowed

to talk. Give me a call. I can't!

Please.

I'm not allowed to speak.

You don't have to. I don't

want you for your conversation.

Look, I'd love to, but...

LOUD WAILS:

What happened? Got a date Friday.

JOLLY WHISTLING:

DOGS YAP:

Look here. Do you mind

not making that terrible noise?

My dogs will be having their nap.

Nice doggy...

DOGS BARK AND GROWL

Otto, what are you doing?

Buddhist meditation. It focuses

aggression. The monks did it before

battle. What kind of buddhism is it?

HORN BLARES:

A**hole!

It's an early Tantric meditation...

What is this? To get information I

might have to get friendly with him.

We're ready now at last.

Enjoy the opera, darling. Supper's

in the fridge, Archie. Be good.

What does "friendly" mean?

Cordial? Courteous?

Supportive? What?

I don't know.

Let's just see what happens.

So "friendly" might

include what? Penetration, say?

I don't need your jealousy now.

Jealousy? Yes! I'm just curious.

Me jealous of that fop?

What about my tits?

Does he get to handle them? Yes.

That's my forecast. Nuzzling?

is worth a little nuzzling.

Sucking? I thought you weren't

jealous! Jealousy is for the weak.

One thing, though -

touch his dick and he's dead!

Daddy didn't get the car serviced.

Aren't we going? Do shut up, Portia!

(Hurry up.)

Hi.

Do you despise me?

No, that's not a word

that leaps to mind(!)

Can I stay then?

Of course.

Look...Wanda...

I know. Your wife's coming back.

It's about what I said to you.

It IS all right for us to speak.

It is?

Provided we don't discuss the case.

Oh...

Oh, fine.

It's just that if anyone saw us

talking... But they won't.

Sorry if I seem...pompous.

Oh, you're the best, Archie.

No...

Not yet. I'm thirsty.

What shall I get you?

Whisky.

You are the sexiest, most beautiful

girl I have ever seen...

..in my entire life.

Get me my drink.

Oh... Oh, Archie.

Oh, Archie!

So...

..if George decides

to change his plea,

he'd tell you where the loot

was first, wouldn't he? Mmm?

Darling, we mustn't talk about the

trial. I just meant theoretically.

Kiss me there.

Oh, theoretically...

HE STARTS TO GIVE

A MUFFLED REPLY:

What's wrong? It's wonderful!

Oh!

What's wrong? Oh, you're getting me

so hot! I need something to drink.

Something cold? Maybe in the

fridge? Champagne? My favourite!

Don't go away!

Je reviens!

What are you doing here?! Relax!

Get the f*** out! The moaning

worried me. I was faking it, stupid!

Don't call me stupid!

And I'm not jealous. Leave! OK!

What a nice place.

Don't touch his dick!

(His wife!)

For goodness sake, get off to bed!

Oh, God, there isn't any ice!

Champagne!

What's the matter?

What are you doing?

Champagne, dear.

To welcome you home.

Let me pour you a glass.

Whose is the car? Car?

Blocking the drive.

How was the opera?

Whose car is it?

Mine. A beauty, isn't it? Where

did I leave my drink, Archie? Ah!

Who is this? Don't you know?

How do you do, Mrs Leach?

I'm Harvey Manfrend...gendson.

I'm with the CIA. CIA?

That's right, ma'am.

I was telling your husband

before I had to go

to your beautiful bathroom....

..we've a KGB defector

in a safe house near here.

We're debriefing him

as of now and we're just...

..checking the houses in the area.

For what? For the KGB.

Is there any danger? No.

No, not now.

We, er, we just want

to keep everyone informed.

Thanks for the drink.

Sorry to have troubled you. Keep

everyone informed. There's no panic.

Isn't it a secret? You have no idea

how secret. Why are you telling us?

It's a smokescreen?

What? Double bluff.

You know nothing

about intelligence work, lady.

It's an XK Red 27 technique.

My father was in the Secret Service,

Mr Manfredgendson. I know that

you don't inform the general public

when debriefing the KGB in a safe

house. You don't, huh? Not unless

you're irretrievably stupid, no.

Don't call me stupid!

Why not?

Oh, you English are so superior,

aren't you?

Would you like to know

where you'd be without the U-S of A

to protect you? I'll tell you.

The smallest f***ing province

in the Russian empire!

Don't call me stupid, thank me!

Thank you for popping in

and protecting us!

If it wasn't for us, you'd be

singing Deutschland Uber Alles!

My brother's covering for me! Get

rid of your wife and get my locket!

Right. I'll get rid of her.

Who are you talking to? Myself.

Who was shouting?

A friend's brother.

Archie! Who on earth...? He rang

the bell and... Let's go to the pub!

What? Would you like to? We haven't

been to the pub for 15 years!

I want to show Portia. Honestly!

AAAGH! What on earth is it?

I thought the picture was falling.

What's this? Well done! Coming

with us? What was that? A necklace.

What's going on? Nothing. Let's go.

Can I see that? What? In your hand.

Your other hand!

Portia, go to your room. I forgot

some papers and a secretary... GO!

Oh, Archie... No, really.

It's lovely!

Thank you!

It's even got a "W" for Wendy!

I'm so glad you like it, darling!

It's the most beautiful thing

you've ever given me!

Archie! This isn't like you!

Are you f***ing crazy?!

I saved your ass! I had him right

where I wanted him, you a**hole!

I gave you one f***ing thing to do,

Otto! You were supposed to drive me

here and shut up! Relax!

CAR DRIVES AWAY NOISILY

TELEPHONE RINGS:

Hello?

Hold on. ..It's for you.

Hello?

Not at the moment, no.

I'm not quite sure when

I'll be able to get hold of that.

Yes, yes, I do appreciate that.

As soon as possible.

Well, that would be very nice,

obviously.

See you soon, I hope.

Bye, Frank.

DOG GROWLS AND BARKS

Easy! Calm down! Easy, g-girl!

Easy!

Come here.

Smell!

Smell!

Now, k-k-k...

..k-k-kill!

BELL TOLLS:

We therefore commit its body

to the ground.

Earth to earth,

ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

CHOIR BOYS SING "MISERERE DOMINE"

Hello, honey. What happened?

N-Nothing. What's that?

Um... Not Granny?

N-Not yet. Who is it for then?

A f-f... A fish? Frenchman?

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